rogue

twenty - eight

Finn

"What was that about? I thought you two broke things off - I thought it was you and me..." Nathalie's slurred words interrupt my train of thought. I turn around to see her already half-naked, lying on my couch.

I push back my hair in anger, struggling to control myself. "Nathalie," I say through clenched teeth, "get dressed or I swear to God." I know it was foolish of me to bring her home with me, but as I tried to leave the bar, I saw her - completely drunk and being hit on by a middle-aged man. So I took her hand and dragged her out with me, but she wouldn't tell me her new address... That's how I ended up here. I tried to help someone, and I only made everything worse.

"But..." she starts to say, but I cut her off.

"You can sleep on the couch. I have to get out of here." I turn towards the door, grab my keys, and ignore her protests.

As the cold morning air hits me, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "What am I supposed to do now?" I say aloud, not caring if anyone sees me talking to myself.

I sit down on the cool steps in front of my apartment complex and take deep breaths - once, twice... for what feels like an eternity, I try to compose myself, to keep it together. My hands are shaking, and I can feel the familiar sensation of a panic attack, something I desperately try to avoid. But my mind is still preoccupied with what just happened - the look on Chloe's face when she saw me trying to settle Nathalie's drunken state on the couch... it breaks my heart. How defeated and hurt she looked because of me. And now she's gone, and I know she'll never forgive me. Hell, I'm not even sure if I want her to forgive me. She's right, I'm a monster.

Tears threaten to form at the corner of my eyes, and I angrily wipe them away.

I need to do something - I just need to... and then it hits me.

I walk over to my car, and I know exactly what I need to do right now.

***

"Mom," I say as she answers her phone. "I know it's still early, but..."

"Finn, are you okay? What happened?" She sounds tired, and I know I just woke her up.

"Mom, I'm outside, and I need to talk... I need to talk to you. I can't come inside - it's... I really need you right now." I confess to her, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I need my mom right now. She's the woman who raised me and was always there for me - we've always had a special bond. It's not that I don't have a good relationship with my dad, but I know that right now, she can help me more than he can.

I don't even have to explain more, and minutes later she appears from the house in her jogging pants and a high ponytail. Despite looking tired, her face lights up as she takes a seat in the passenger seat. She holds my right hand in hers and squeezes it tightly. "You broke it off with Chloe, didn't you?" She smiles a sad smile, and that's when I break down. All the emotions I've been trying to push away - everything I didn't want to feel all these years - crash over me. I hug her tightly, my body shaking and tears streaming down my face. I cling to her as she rubs her hands up and down my back. "Shh, baby! Ssh, everything is going to be alright. I was wondering when you'd stop pretending - when you'd finally let yourself feel something. Oh, my boy!" She whispers.

And she's right. I can't even remember the last time I cried - I didn't even cry at Annie's funeral. I shut everything and everyone out the moment I heard the doctor say she wouldn't make it. I locked myself away and, well, I did a good job. I was fine, or at least I convinced myself I was. I just did what had to be done. It's not like I secluded myself in my room to keep people away. I was so good at not letting anything or anyone get close to me that, for others, it probably seemed like nothing had changed. I still did well in school, had my friends... but those who looked closer knew something was wrong. I didn't pay as much attention to gossip as the other kids, I didn't laugh as loudly, and I preferred to observe rather than participate.

I couldn't feel joy anymore, and I liked it that way. I wanted it. I needed to feel nothing at all to survive.

But when I saw her sitting on the steps in front of my apartment - crying and her clothes soaked from the rain, I had to make a decision. And right then and there, it was so easy - choosing to care about her - it was so fucking easy. I mean, I always cared about her, fuck I've been in love with her for all my life but as a kid, I didn't know what to do with these feelings... I liked her so much and I didn't know how to behave around her, so I did the easiest thing, I annoyed the shit out of her. I teased her, I pulled her ponytail and all the cliché things you can think of. I wanted to be close to her, and as Annie died ... I just wanted to push her away even though I knew deep down that she felt the same way as I did. But I couldn't deal with the way she looked and treated me, even after the accident. It's like she didn't think of me differently, and even today I don't know why. I don't know why not every single person in my life has turned their backs on me - I destroy everything I touch. So why do they not hate me - why don't they understand that they need to hate me. It's a weird mixture of wanting that everybody sees what I see, that I don't deserve to be loved and wanting to know that even though I did something so horrible, I get a second chance and someone could actually like me for who I am ... even with my horrible past.

„I can't handle it anymore! It's too much! I don't know how to go on with my life with her not in it." I get out after what feels like forever. The tears stopped running and I finally dare to sattle back down in my seat.

I rub my face with both hands and take a few deep breaths before I dare to look into my mother's face.

She's never seen me like that and it's clear to me that it's really hard for her to see me like that - but I know that she's the only one that knows how to go from here. „What am I supposed to do now?"

She inhales deeply. „We're doing something, we should've done years ago ... and I'm driving."

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Jessy xx