rogue

twenty - seven

"Chloe?" Hayley's soft voice cuts through my foggy mind as she emerges from my bedroom. "Are you okay?"

I turn to face her. "What do you think?" I weakly reply. "I messed up, and I just don't know what to do." After a long sigh, I sink down onto the couch. Hayley joins me seconds later, wearing a concerned expression. She takes my hands in hers and urges me to look at her.

"I understand that you want to fix this and go back to how things were just days ago. But that's not going to happen. Things won't return to normal. You've started something, you've...kind of opened Pandora's box. I heard what he said, and I don't think you can fix him. I don't think anyone but himself can get out of this mess and solve his problems. I don't even think it's about anything you did or said. He has issues, and you were just the one who brought them to the surface. I know this isn't my business, but I heard about what happened with that little girl, and I can only imagine how that must affect someone. I'm no therapist, but I'm pretty sure it's not your responsibility to save him. He needs to stop hating and doubting himself, and I'm not sure if you can truly help him with that." She sighs and releases my hands after squeezing them tightly.

I blink away the tears that had started to well up in my eyes and try to smile at her. "Do you think this would have happened regardless? Like, someday it had to happen?"

"Jesus, Chloe, I don't know. I'm just as clueless as you are, but...yeah, probably. Who knows?" She shrugs. "I just know that these thoughts he's been expressing, they've always been there. Doubting himself and thinking that no one could ever love him after what he did."

"So I'm screwed?" I mutter and let myself fall back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling.

"I wish I knew."

***

It's 6 in the morning, and I'm wide awake. I haven't slept all night. I'm lying in bed, considering packing my bags and leaving with Hayley. But I can't just leave. I need to think this through because I'm not sure what the right thing to do is yet.

If I leave and give up, it will prove to Finn that I easily give up on him and that I didn't really love him. And if I stay... I'll keep getting into fights with him. But maybe, by fighting with him and showing him that I care, he'll realize that I truly want this and him, no matter what. I try to ignore that little voice telling me that he might end up hating me because I didn't respect his wishes.

I hear the front door slam shut and muffled voices afterward. I can't make out what's being said, but I can definitely hear Finn's voice... with a woman. I press my lips tightly together, trying to control my racing heartbeat.

I can't help myself. I make my way to the door and press my ear against the cold surface. I let out a shaky breath as I hear the next words, and it seems like someone has made the decision for me.

"I knew you would want me again." When I hear Nathalie's drunken giggles, I snap.

Of all the women, he had to bring her here. After everything, he... asshole. Stupid fucking asshole.

Filled with rage, I quickly change into jeans and gather whatever I might need for the next few days, tossing it into my weekender bag.

Shaking with anger, I swing open my bedroom door and storm out. I can't seem to stop myself.

"Well, seems like you're having fun. You won," I spit out when I see him fully dressed, leaning over Nathalie on the couch. His head snaps up, and I can see the complete look of horror on his face, telling me that he genuinely thought I had left. Telling me that he didn't do it to hurt me... he just wanted her. "Did you fucking hear me? You won!" I scream as he rushes after me, but I can't even look at him.

"Chloe!" But I ignore him.

I just need to get out of here as fast as I can, so I grab my shoes and jacket with one hand and open the door with the other.

I'm about to walk out when I suddenly feel his hand on my shoulder, trying to make me look at him. "What the fuck are you doing?" He doesn't sound angry; he sounds unbelievably sad and helpless. As he tries to push his unruly hair out of his face, I notice that he's gripping it a little too tightly.

"You're a monster," I scream at him. "You know what, Finn? One day, everyone will have enough of your bullshit. They'll stop trying, they'll stop caring, and you'll be alone."

He just stares down at me, no words leaving his mouth. "I don't even know why I bother anymore," I whisper as my heart shatters into a million pieces. I turn around, but he doesn't let me.

His piercing green eyes shoot daggers through my head. "I told you that some things can't be fixed. I'm one of them."

Finn

And I watched her walk away. Just like that, I let the woman I love walk away from me, and this time I know she won't come back. I did this to us. I pushed her away. I pushed her because I can't bear the thought of her loving someone as messed up as I am. I can't handle the fact that someone as wonderful as her loves someone as broken and messed up as me. Everything I do is destroying things. I ruin everything.

In the past few weeks, it felt like I could truly be myself again. I told her I had been pretending to be someone I'm not, but the truth is, for the first time since the accident, I stopped pretending. I stopped pushing everything and everyone away. I stopped avoiding closeness. Before I found her outside my apartment, I did a good job at pretending - pretending to be this distant jerk who doesn't care about anything, pretending that everything is just fun and games. But the time I spent with her tore down the walls I had carefully built over the years. What I didn't expect was that by letting all the good things into my life, all the bad from my past would come back to haunt me.

Allowing her to get close to me made me reflect on my life, on what I had been missing, and... that I had been running away from the fact that I am broken. I made sure that nobody could get close to me, not only because I didn't want to hurt anyone again, but also because I didn't want to get hurt myself.

Because of her, I have to faceall my problems. Things will never be the same again, and because I'm a mess, I don't know what to do with myself or how to fix everything.

**************************

Jessy xx