For the Ones We Love (Merlin Fan Fiction)

Chapter Nineteen

Merlin's grip on me slackened and I felt my feet touch the ground. I pulled my head up and looked first at Iseldir and then the crowd around me. My face flushed and I pulled away from Merlin. Everyone was staring at us.

Slowly, I turned my head and met Merlin's familiar blue eyes. "What are you doing here?" I asked softly. I glanced over his shoulder at Iseldir, whose hands were clasped behind his back. His face was calm.

"I was looking for you," he told me. We were still standing close enough that his breath stirred my loose hair.

My gaze wandered back to Merlin's face. He looked tired. "How did you know where to look?" I asked quietly. "Last time we talked, I thought I was going back to Caerleon."

A smile pulled at the corners of his mouth. "I keep in touch with people who keep in touch with the druids," he explained. Every word he spoke was gentle like a spring breeze. "Just in case." Then, he allowed the smile to take over and it evolved to cover his whole face. His eyes shone with near joy.

Then, all at once, it faded. "You said you'd come back," he murmured.

Another promise I had broken. I looked down at our feet, not far apart.

"You..." Merlin took a breath, "You didn't plan on coming back, did you?" When I looked up, his eyes were full of pain. I remembered seeing that same hurt in Sir William's eyes when I told him I was leaving.

William....

"I did plan on going back... at the time." I was again conscious of the people standing around. I didn't want to talk to Merlin in front of them. I didn't want to feel the things I was feeling in front of them. I had told them my heart no longer laid in Camelot and I was right. It laid wherever Merlin was.

That realization was constricting, so I shook the thoughts away. "But then the druids found me," I continued. "And I finally felt like I belonged somewhere...." My voice trailed off and my attention was caught by another blue-eyed boy.

Mordred.

The emotion that made his eyes sparkle was anger. He stared straight at me, meeting my eyes with startling confidence.

"Mordred," I mumbled. I pushed passed Merlin first and then Iseldir as I raced toward the boy. I tried to reach out to him, but he turned and started pushing through the crown of druids. Without thinking, I chased after him. "Mordred!" I yelled. "Mordred, wait!"

The boy was quick, but his legs were still shorter than mine. It took a while, but I caught up to him and grabbed the back of his moss green cloak. He stumbled and fell, taking me down with him. He cried out.

I heard muffled sobs coming from him as I pushed myself far enough off the ground to crawl over to him. I moved his head into my lap--he didn't resist--and held him close to me. The boy shook as hot tears slipped out of his eyes and onto my skirt.

"You lied to me," he murmured through the cloth of his cloak. "You lied to me," he said again.

"I know," I whispered back. "I know, I know and I'm sorry." I stroked his black hair. "I'm so sorry," I whispered again, though I wasn't sure if he was listening.

He closed his eyes and continued crying until I was sure there were no tears left to cry. He was fourteen now, but in my lap at that moment, he look younger and smaller than he had been the first time I laid eyes on him.

Finally he sat up and met my eyes reluctantly. His were puffy and bluer than ever. "Why?" he asked. The pain in his voice was overwhelming. I remembered Merlin and wondered what he was doing at that moment. It seemed that I only ever hurt the people I loved. Would it just be better for me to love no one at all?