Plans with Tyler

18. We Didn't Deserve This

Quick update Bc I got good feedback on the last chapter and I have 3 more already written!💕💕

Bella's POV

I looked at my phone to see that it's 6 AM. I never fell asleep, all I did was stare at the ceiling. Tyler was still asleep and I am happy he is. He was so exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. Even in his sleep he looked tired.

I kissed his head and got up. I needed to leave before he woke up. If he wakes up, I'll never be able to leave. I grabbed my luggage from the side of the dresser and carried it into our shared walk in closet. Before I knew it, my bag was completely stuffed with as much as I needed and some of Tyler's clothes.

I know Tyler would never do this to me, but I'm writing a note and leaving. It makes me feel like a horrible person. It's not like I'm breaking up with him. Even though it seems like a break up, I'm just leaving for a little while.

I ran hurried out of the room and into the kitchen with all my stuff. I grabbed a pen and a notebook that Tyler uses to write down plays or strategies.

Pumpkin,
I'm so, so sorry. Sorry for so much that I don't even know where to start. I guess I can start by saying that I'm not breaking up with you. I just need time. Time to my self. I need to escape all this hurt and guilt that I'm feeling. I never thought that healing my self would have to be done alone. I've always thought that you could help me with anything bad that I've ever felt. Unfortunately, I was wrong and it's not even your fault. It would be wrong of me to lean on you, especially in a time like this. I know you are hurting, probably more than me.
Never, did I ever, think that I'd get pregnant so early in our relationship. Never, did I ever, think that I'd love you and our baby girl so much. Never, did I ever, understand how much I would come to love our daughter...until I lost her. Never, did I ever, think that we would lose her.
It's time to face it though, she's gone. Although in my heart and in your big, warm, loving heart she's still there. She'll never be gone. We are going to feel this pain forever, so I have to learn to live with the pain on my own. When I learn to live with it, I'll come back. I don't know how long that will take. I promise, if you don't move on from me, I will come back to you.
For now, I need my family. I need to be with my parents and my siblings. They will take my mind off of everything...hopefully.
The guilt of losing our child is eating me alive. No matter how many times you say it's not my fault, I'll always blame myself. Please forgive me, I know that's a lot to ask. I think watching you deal with this pain is worse than dealing with the pain of the losing our baby girl.
I'm so scared that I can't give you what you deserve. I hate to say it, but for your sake, I hope you get over me. I hope you find a beautiful women who loves you the way I do. The only difference would be that she can give you children. I know a family is a dream of yours; and if I can't fulfill that dream, I want to leave. I need to put you before myself if I want to feel better. Eventually, I'll learn to live with losing you too.
Tyler, baby, I know you are strong and will be fine without me. Your hockey season starts this week, so focus on that. I know hockey is your escape from reality, you will definitely feel better.
Please take care of yourself and stay safe. Ty, I promise you that I will take care of myself too. I will be safe and stay in touch.
You probably already have an idea of where I'm going. I'm going home. Nico just recently bought an apartment of his own and said that I could stay with him. My brother is probably the best person for me. Actually.. that's a lie. To be honest, you are the best person for me. Unfortunately, The best thing for you is to not have me lean on you. So, right now, you aren't the best thing for me because I'll feel too guilty leaning on you.
Bubba, I love you. I love you so damn much. I hate that I have to do this to you, but I thinks it's best for both of us and our relationship.
I laid awake all night, watching your exhausted, sleeping face. Your hand was wrapped in mine as you slept. That little bit of touch between us kept me sane. I only felt sane because I knew you needed my touch. If you were awake to see me cry and to comfort me I would have felt even more guilty. You need to grieve without me because you need to focus on helping yourself.
I'll call or text you when I land in Toronto. If you need me, I'll be a phone call away. This isn't goodbye, it's a see you later..hopefully.