The Bad Boy's Princess #Wattys2016

15: Realisations and Past

That night after the encounter with Shaw in the aisles of the store, I couldn't sleep. I knew nothing more about Jake's past than the fact that he was the kind of a guy who everyone was scared of. After middle school, he had drastically changed. Call it bad influence or bad times, Jake was never seen in class in high school.

Once, when I was called to the Principal's office for tutoring a boy who needed help, I found that Jake, along with his group of friends were being threatened for rustigation by the Principal. I didn't know the reason why, but I assumed it to be quite serious as rustigation was only complied to extremely extreme situations.

While I was remembering all of this, Jake's arm snaked around my waist, making me remind of his presence.

That night I cried in my sleep, moving away from Jake so that he wouldn't be able to feel the wetness on the pillowcase caused due to my tears.

I cried because of the thought that kept creeping into my mind. What if Jake is just the same? What if he has been the same all this time? What if he is using you? Maybe it is all just a trap?

I cried because I couldn't give my screaming subconscious practical and sensible answers.

I cried because I not only had lost trust in me but in Jake too.

***

I woke up earlier than Jake as I did not forget to wash my face off the puffiness around my eyes and the tear stained cheeks.

As I got into the shower, I spotted the bright pink colored plastic stick kept into the glass container, along with the loofahs and other items. But, the pink colored stick made me remember what I didn't want to. Ever.

...

After coming back to my room after mom's funeral, I kept myself locked into my room. The fact that I was the reason for her death haunted me, terribly. It made me question my existence all the more. How could I be such a pathetic little girl and choose a boy over my mum? Well, now I know. Maybe God wanted me to realise my uselessness in this world, make me repent, and put me into guilt; torture the soul in my body.

I went into my bathroom, quickly grabbing the pink colored stick into my hand. I thought about not doing it, but then I questioned myself, 'Why shouldn't I do it? I have more than a million reasons to do so.'

Then, the cold metal came in contact with the skin on my thigh. The pain seered into me as the blood gushed out. I let out a scream which the whole house would've been able to hear, but as no one was there in it now, I was saved. I let out many screams, some because of the physical pain, and some because of the mental pain.

I was now laying on my back on the granite floor, the blood covering the lower part of my black dress. I didn't seem to care because I wasn't even able to get up.

But then, I thought about how mom would feel if she would see me like this. She was seeing me now, she must be crying, I thought to myself.

Then, I promised myself never to cut. I promised myself to love myself.

Whatever the hell of mistakes I had made, I had to accept them, because those belonged to me.

No matter what happened, I would never ever let my mother down, I thought to myself as I stood infront of the mirror, staring back at my pathetic state.

...

The thought of me cutting myself brought me into tears. The razor had to be destroyed, it would only lead to bad memories if it wasn't.

With all the strenght I had, I broke the plastic stick into two, and tossed it into the bin.

I had to make a new start now.

::::::::

Helllĺlooooo lovess.

I have read a lot about self harm and i wanted to put into notice that it is NOt the solution. You just have to know that things will be better. It may be the next second, the next minute or the next hour, the next day the next month or the next year. Do not lose hope. There are people who would help you, me included. I just want you to talk to someone. Talk to them, let it all out. I want you to believe in yourself. You are what you are, no matter what you have or done.

I LOVE YOU AND IF YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT ANY THING I M ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU DO NOT EVER FORGET THAT. YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE, & nobody YES NOBODY SHOULD BE ABLE TO CHANGE YOU.

Muahhhhhh

Check my other works too ilysm bye louvess!!

Until next time

Aaaaaaarsssssshhhhhh.