Am I Even Here?

Tears

Hey.... I'm ok I guess. I update everytime something goes wrong so... Here you go... Enjoy my pain
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  April 11, 2016
  My alarm went off, sending out a shrill beeping noise. I get up and quietly make my way downstairs. I wasn't surprised to see my mom sleeping on the couch. I would do the same thing if I was her, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near someone who hurt me.
 
  My dad came down about thirty minutes later in a suit. "I'm leaving early." He said in a cold voice, casting a glare at my mom. With that he left. I sat in silence until I had to leave. Time for another day of hiding.

  Every period, I tried to take my mind off of them. I laughed, joked around, fell over on purpose, listened to the whining of other people. Nothing worked. In the end my mask was cracking. I felt myself breaking as I got out of school.

  I walked, having a last minute chat with someone I hold dear. Then I was off. Stumbling, I crossed the street to a nearly deserted block. I bit my lip to keep myself from talking out loud.

  'What if they don't need me?' I walked faster. 'What if they are gonna go their separate ways and leave me to rot here?' I wrapped my arms around myself. 'I don't want to be left alone, not again.' At this point I was oblivious to my surroundings. 'Loner. Faggot. Queer. Useless. Stupid.' I tripped. 'Stupid. Stupid. STUPID.'

  I ended up running into a group of friends. I clung to one and had a small chat. I was silent for the entire walk to the train station. Quietly clinging to my mom friend. I tried to be cheerful, but that just led to more silence.

  As we were about to enter it hit me. My mask shattered. 'They will leave you behind again.' A voice echoed through my head. 'They will be better off  without you.' I felt salty, bitter tears start to form. 'You're just in their way of happiness.'

  I slumped forward, silent tears streamed down my face. They had to half pull, half push me into a train car. One tried to comfort me as best as they could. Nothing helped this overwhelming emotion that was suddenly brought upon me.

  I cried. And cried. Letting all of my sorrows out through salty tears. I cried till I couldn't anymore. My eyes stung, my body ached, my senses were blurred. I sat up, trying to take this situation somewhere else, but they stopped me.

  I stopped. Reacting, feeling, thinking. I sat there quietly wiping at my stained face. My secret came and there was only a small flicker of hope in my dark world. I sat until I had to go.

  I stiffly walked to my house and opened my door. Going to my cold sanctuary, I let it all out again. And again. And again. For now until my time runs out.
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