Cassandra

IX. An Adventure In Misdemeanor

I started awake, jerking up with a gasp, sleep violently torn away from me. My head throbbed, and my whole body felt uncomfortably heavy. I groaned, clumsily rubbing the sleep from my eyes, trying to gather enough of my wits to generate a coherent thought. Slowly my faculties returned to me, and I found myself at my dressing table. I had fallen asleep in the middle of writing a letter to Archibald, the papers crumpled, ink smeared across the letter, and strands of my hair in the inkwell. With another groan I ran my fingers through my hair, in an effort to return it to a state of order, lifting my eyes to look at my reflection in the mirror.
Gathering my thoughts, I began tiding up the scattered papers on my desk. Re-dipping my quill, I went back to writing my letter, feeling exhausted and yet too on edge to sleep. Because it was so smudged I had to copy my letter onto another piece of paper, painstakingly rewriting what I'd already composed, before I could even complete what I'd started. At last I signed my name, my letters large and rounded almost to the point of looking masculine, taking up a large portion of the last page. Then I threw my quill away, leaning back in my chair, and running my inky fingers through my hair again. Finally I took the letter and folded it, not taking the trouble to seal it, then tossed it down on the desk. Rising from my chair I collapsed into bed, tiredly pulling the blanket over me, and drifted back into slumber.

The castle was frigid when I finally came downstairs. Fires had been kindled in several of the rooms, but the hallways were completely unheated. It was so cold that I bundled up under my dress, wearing thick wool to keep me warm. Retrieving my letter from the dressing table, I tucked it into one of the many pockets I had hidden in my skirt, and quietly slipped out of my room.
    The hallways were deserted, cold and completely silent, winter sunlight streaming in through the frosted windows. Moving quickly, I made my way to the front of the castle, descending the wide staircase, and crossing the hall. I seized two thick winter cloaks, donning one myself, and throwing the other over my arm. Tugging open the wide double doors, I stepped out into the winter cold.
Nearly three feet of snow covered the ground, completely blanketing the courtyard, turning the castle into some kind of winter fairyland. It lay in deep drifts at the foot of the walls, where it had been shoved from the top of the rampart. Plowing through the drifts of snow was difficult work, and I had to use all my strength as I waded through it, pushing my way to the gate.
    The man at the guardhouse was toasting a hunk of bread and cheese by the fire as I trudged up. He didn't have to ask what I was doing, he already knew, and he silently moved to open the gate for me, gnawing on his toasted bread as he did. I didn't thank him, but silently squeezed through, watching as he shut the gate behind me, still nursing his stale hunk of bread.
The snow was deeply piled over the stonewall that stood at the edge of the road, and I didn't so much gracefully vault it as I did clumsily tumble over it. A few more steps, then I threw myself down in the soft blanket of snow, enjoying the refreshing cold against my scalp. Throwing my arms out spread eagle, I sat looking up at the heavy mass of gray clouds that blanketed the sky over my head.
I loved cloudy days like this. The stillness over everything, with nothing to disturb it, not even the sound of falling snow. I just liked the winter in general. Probably a good thing, considering how long our winters were, and how short of an interval stood between them. Might as well enjoy them if they were going to hang around so much. But after watching the unmoving sky for a while, my body heat began to warm the snow, and cold water began to soak into the back of my hair and neck. I sat up, and amused myself with constructing trenches in the snow.
By the time Ivan came I was in the middle of creating a maze of packed down snow, and had moved slightly from where I had originally been sitting. I heard him whistling first, the shrill sound breaking the winter silence, and I glanced up as he came trudging up the road, leaving a plowed track in the snow. He walked over the stonewall, long legs sinking up to his knees in the soft snow piled over it. He gathered up a clumsy snowball, lobbing it at my head, but his aim went wide and the snowball passed over my shoulder, where it tumbled into the snow.
    "That was the most horrible toss I've ever seen." I said, by way of a greeting, as he sank down in the snow beside me, and I handed him the extra winter cloak I had brought.
    "I wasn't even trying hard." Ivan replied, pulling on my cloak. "And I don't know about you, but my mother taught me it was rude to hit girl."
    "No, you've just got terrible aim," I said shaking my head. "You're a bad liar too."
    "If you say so."
    "How is the Father?" I asked, changing the subject as I tugged aside my cloak, retreving my letter for Archibald.
    "All well." Quietly Ivan took my letter, tucking it into some hidden pocket of his coat. "What about you though?"
    "I'm alright."
    "You always say that..." Ivan muttered. "You look awful Cass."
    "What do you want me to say?" I asked. "There's nothing to say."
    "I don't know." He said, gathering a handful of snow. "I just wish that you'd..."
    He broke off, shaking his head. Silent we sat in the cold, Ivan molding handfuls of snow into balls, while I absentmindedly picked at a loose thread of my cloak. Finally he tossed the snowball away, his frustration draining away with it, and when he spoke again his voice was gentle and almost pleading. "I'm just worried about you. This castle is draining you dry, you need to get away from it."
    "Ivan I can't leave. They need me."
    "That's not what I meant. Of course this is your home, the Briarwood's are your family now, you can't leave. I just think you should get away for a day. Enjoy the snow."
    "Delilah told me I have to come inside as soon as I give my letters to you," I said, shaking my head emphatically. "I'm already gone more than she would like. I couldn't leave for a whole day, she would be angry, and I've already broken too many rules."
    "Come on Cass, they don't even think about you most of the time." Ivan said persuasively, his words almost exactly echoing my own inner voice. "It's just one day."
Silence fell once more, and we sat quietly, Ivan building snowballs and tossing them, while I continued absently packing down snowy trenches. Deep in thought, I considered his proposition. Already I'd broken rules, and I still tasted the affects of it every day. Delilah kept a close watch on me, Anna was distantly contemptuous, while Professor Anders had become openly hostile to me. Perhaps he blamed me for his current fall from favor, but he certainly went out of his way to make me regret my disobedience. I got little more than blows from him these days.
And Silas...I still felt a wrench of guilt every time I looked at him, and the memory of his ugly feast weighed heavily upon me. My stomach twisted every time I remembered it. There was something about Lord Briarwood that was far more deadly and inhuman than I could imagine, and I was hesitant to risk displeasing him. But the thought of freedom was tempting. How often did I look out from the castle windows at the snow-laden forests below me and wish I could be there?
    "I really shouldn't be listen to you. The advice you give is always stupid."
"So you'll come then." Ivan said with a grin.
"I don't know why I'm doing it, but yes."
"Good!" He said with a laugh.
"But we've got to be smart about this, I can't just go walking off down the road, and expect to be unhindered." I cautioned, though I wasn't sure if Ivan was ready to listen yet, and I glanced up at the two guards patrolling the wall above us. "We've got to get away from them. I don't think that will be a problem for you, they see you coming up and down the road every day, nobody will care about you."
"What are you going to do then?" Ivan said, sobering up a little, his eyes following mine as they gazed up. "The road is the only way to get off this hilltop, you said that yourself."
"You and the Briarwoods both seem to forget, I grew up in this castle." I said, rolling my eyes. "My brothers and I spent our lives getting into trouble here, I know everything there is to know about this castle and the surrounding countryside. Most of the hilltop is flat, and its sides are sheer, but it does get lower in a few places. We used to climb down one of the low spots where the cliff is shelved. I can find a way down, don't worry about me."
    "Alright." Ivan said slowly, a faint grin creeping across his face. "How will I find you then?"
    "Start following the edge of the ridge east as soon as you reach low ground. The spot is pretty hard to miss when you reach it. Just wait a few minutes. I'm going to start now, but you wait a minute or two, then head off down the road. Perhaps they won't look for me until they see you leaving."
    "Got it." Ivan said with a steady nod.
    Quietly I stood next to Ivan, watching the two guards on their patrol, as they paced back and forth across the wall top. I waited as one of them came nearer, pausing at the end of the wall, then turned and began to pace back. At once I set off, moving resolutely through the snow, and counting the seconds in my head. I followed the ground as it sloped gently downwards, until at last I dropped down on the ground, lying completely hidden by drifts of frozen snow.
    Tense stillness followed as I once again counted out seconds in my head, visualizing the guard's return journey to the end of the wall. Silently I hoped that the clear track of footprints in the snow would pass his notice, at least more than my clearly defined figure would have. I reached the end of my time, but it took a moment before I had enough courage to raise myself out of the snow, not knowing if the guard had turned his back, or if he was still at the end of the wall suspiciously eyeing the telltale track of footprints. Perhaps I had miscounted the time...
    I had not miscounted, and the guard had dutifully turned his back to me. Moving a little quicker now that I was farther from the wall, I continued my journey. At last the ground dropped steeply downward, a sharp slope ending in a drop off, and I crouched down, taking advantage of the shelter the land gave me. As I had told Ivan, the cliff face was less steep here, scored by deep groves that ran across it, and choked at its base by tumbled rocks and boulders. The cliff was also bowed outwards so that you could support yourself against the slope of the cliff, and if you chose your footing carefully you could find a way down the tumbled rocks and ledges.
    It was a doubtful path, far less sure than the road, and not something you could safely scale quickly. Ludwig had broken his arm trying to climb down this cliff face. But as dubious as the way was, it was one I had dared many times, and I had long ago memorized the route. My only concern now was the snow which, although it would cushion a fall, would make finding sure footing much more difficult. Even so, there was nothing I could do but risk it, and I picked my way down.
    The climb was difficult, as I had thought it would be, and somehow it seemed far longer than it ever had before. But I slowly negotiated a way, clinging with numbed fingers to the rocks and ledges, sometimes leaping across a gap, sometimes inching my way carefully downwards. Then one of my feet slid out from under me and I lost my balance, sliding down the last slope, unable to catch anything but handfuls of soft snow. My body impacted a narrow ledge, and I was pushed off in a shower of cold snow. There was half a second of dizzy weightlessness, then I sank up to my waist in a deep drift of snow, and before I could recover my feet a mini avalanche of powdery snow showered down on top of me.
Completely buried in snow, I sat still, catching my breath. Struggling with the snow I managed to free my head and arms, then I went completely limp, head and arms exposed to the gray sky. I felt a bubble of laughter swell up in my throat, the spike of adrenaline beginning to dull, leaving me feeling giddy, and I let out a chuckle. Then began the strenuous process of pulling myself out of the snow, clawing feebly in the soft powder for a handhold. At last I freed myself, crawling my way out of the hole, and shaking the snow out of my clothes.
The two sheer sides of the hill towered over me, like a rough U shape, and I hiked through the deep drifts of snow piled at the cliff's feet, until I reached the mouth of the U. There I sat down in a deep drift, and for the second time that day, I waited for Ivan. It wasn't really that long of a wait. Ivan had farther to walk, but I had also taken a long time climbing down the hillside, so in the end I arrived at the chosen place only ten minutes before he did. He came crunching up through the snow, his long legs taking huge strides through the snow.
"Come on." I commanded, rising to my feet as he came striding up. "Follow me."
"Where are we going?" He asked, following me as I crunched off through the snow, his longer legs easily keeping stride with mine.
"You'll see." I called back over my shoulder. Ivan let out a grunt, but said no more, as we continued to push our way through the forest.
The snow laden pine trees towered overhead, like huge misshapen giants. Complete silence filled the air, not a sound disturbing the wintery stillness but the crunch of our feet through the snow. And though the land looked different when buried under drifts of snow, I was never doubtful of the way. My siblings and I had come this way many times, both in winter and summer, and the destination of this journey was one we had often visited.
    As we walked the ground began to slope upward, rising to meet the two outthrust knees of Varya, one of the Alabaster Sierras' lower peaks. Bluffs and low cliffs hemmed us into a sheltered gorge, filled with small Hemlocks and other Evergreens of similar kind. An energetic creek was tumbling down between the rocks and soft earthen banks, falling from some hidden spring high up within Varya's impassable crown, and it chattered in the silence.
    Up the valley between the cliffs we trudged, Varya's shadow looming over us, but at last we reached a sheltered dell of flat snow-covered ground, where the ground was walled in by tumbled rocky cliffs at the very base of Varya's snow covered slopes. Here the stream came leaping down from the heights above, taking the path of least resistance down the cliff face, and fell down into the gorge.
    "How did you know about this?" Ivan asked, as he struggled up the last slope of ground. "I never knew this was here."
    "My brother Oliver found it, when he was exploring. We all used to come here when we were children." I said, looking up at Varya overhead, catching my breath.
    "You spent a lot of time together didn't you..." And Ivan's face which had been cheerful became sober and almost reverent as he spoke of my family.
    "I guess." I said, a dull ache throbbing in my chest, and I suddenly wished I hadn't brought it up.
    Ivan opened his mouth to speak, but then he observed my face, and he remained silent. Throwing his arms out, and collapsing back into the snow. After standing lost in thought for a moment, I dropped down beside him, looking out between the narrow cliffs over the valley below us.
    "I'm exhausted." Ivan said with a groan, throwing an arm over his face, and changing the subject. "That climb completely took it out of me. I hope you're strong enough to carry me on the way back, because I don't know if I've got enough energy left to take another step."
    "Dream on lazy bones." I said, tossing a handful of snow at him.
    "What was that for?!" Ivan said, spluttering as he shook the snow from his face with a grin.
    "If you think I'm going carry your sorry ass down this mountain, then prepare to be disappointed." I declared, gathering up more snow, and packing it into a snowball. "You're too fat."
    "Now that hurts my feelings..." Ivan said, grinning mischievously, and throwing a shower of snow at my face.
    "It's the truth!" I said, laughing and getting to my feet to escape more snow.
    Dancing back just out of reach, I lobbed my snowball at Ivan's head, bending down to gather up a fresh handful. Ivan warded off my attack with his arm, surging to his feet, gathering a snowball as he rose. He threw it at me, the aim much surer than his first snowball had been, and the snow crumbled against my shoulder.
    "What ever happened to not hitting a girl?" I called out, tossing a hard packed snowball in retaliation.
    "They say all's fair in love and war." Ivan said, then he leapt away across the snow to the other side of the creak, ducking his head as my snowball sailed past.
    "So we're declaring war then." I said, gathering up three or four snowballs all at once.
    "Yes!" Ivan shouted.
    Snowballs filled the air for the next few minutes, and we chased each other over the flat snow, tirelessly giving and receiving blows with the greatest good humor. My hands were soon numb, and I rolled up my sleeves. We rained down volleys of snow on each other, then one of us would inevitably run out of ammunition, and the other would charge across the stream with their remaining supply of weaponry, mercilessly showering the other, while they desperately collected new snowballs. Insults and catcalls rang through the cliffs and rocky bluffs that skirted the mountain's feet, drowning out the stream's chatter. The flat drifts of snow were soon pockmarked with foot prints, and holes where snowballs had fallen, both of us were absolutely covered in snow, and Ivan's face was bright red with the exercise. 
Casting the last snowball in my arsenal, I charged across the stretch of ground that stood between me and Ivan, while he rained his last supply at me, trying to ward me off. With a leap I shoved Ivan back into the snow, and crouched on his shoulder blades holding him face down.
"Let me up!" He exclaimed, his voice muffled in the snow, and he struggled to shake me off.
"Will you forfeit?" I growled, clinging to him like a leech.
"Never." Planting his hands firmly in the snow, Ivan pushed himself up, lifting my weight as if I was no more than a feather. With a cry I tumbled backwards into the snow, and before I could regain my feet Ivan gathered up a huge armful of snow and dropped it on me. Laughing with shock, and determined to get revenge, I seized a handful of snow, tossing it up into Ivan's face. Ivan's hand shot out, and before I could react he seized my arm, his fingers holding my wrist in an iron grip.
"Where did you get that?" He asked, his face suddenly becoming hard.
"Let go!" I laughed, and I playfully tried to shove him off, before I registered the look on his face.
"Cass." He growled. "Where did you get that?"
I looked down at the arm that he had gripped in his hand. Wrapped around the soft skin between elbow and wrist was a dark purple bruise, the result of a short scuffle with Anders. The Professor had tried to strike me, and had briefly I fought back, but in the end he had pinned me. Twisting my arm so far behind my back, it almost dislocated my shoulder, his hand had gripped my arm so tightly it left a bruise.
"It's nothing." I said, trying unsuccessfully to rip my arm from Ivan's grasp.
"It was Anders wasn't it..." He said, easily resisting my futile attempt, and his face darkened dangerously. The last time I had seen him this angry was when I recounted the attack on the castle to him and Father Rynoll. He had looked vicious then, and he looked vicious now.
"Get the fuck off me." I snarled, my own temper stirring, and I kicked him angrily, shoving him away from me.
"Cass..."
"I don't need your pity!" I exclaimed, sitting up in the snow. "I don't need your help. There's nothing you can do, you, or Father Rynoll, so just stop asking. I'm alright."
"That's not true." Ivan declared, the brief flash of anger fading into concern. "I don't pity you Cass. I hardly know anything about you, you never even talk about yourself! Every day you just say 'I'm alright,' as if you think I'm stone blind. Like I don't see the bruises on your arms, or the way you talk about Lord Briarwood like he's god, or how much you're shrinking the longer you're trapped inside that god forsaken castle. I'm not blind Cass."
"I love you Ivan, truly I do." I said tiredly, looking away, and gazing out towards the valley below us. "You're like my brother...But you can't help me, so why try?"
"I don't care." Ivan said, sitting down beside me, his voice soft and gentle. "Just talk to me Cass, please..."
I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling hot tears prickling at the backs of my eyelids, his gentleness piercing my heart like his anger had been unable to do.
"Why do you even care?" I sniffed, trying to keep myself together. "I can't stand up for anyone, not even myself. Everyday I write to Archibald, pretending to be his friend, while all the time I'm just toying with him. I try to obey Silas, but every time I try another part of me wants to do the exact opposite. I want to protect my people, but Silas want's me to hurt them. I want to love Delilah, but it disgusts me when I try..."
At that point my voice broke, and I found myself unable to go on. Sternly I tried to bring my emotions back under control, but at last a sob burst through my defenses, then another, and I screwed my palms into my eyes. I felt Ivan's hand touch my back, just a touch, but it broke my heart.
"I miss my family." I sobbed, voice muffled through my arms. "But every time I think about them, I feel guilty, because I know Silas wouldn't want me to."
"What do you want?" Ivan whispered, pulling me into his side, and speaking in my ear. "What is the one thing you want more than anything else?"
It was so hard to say it, but there were no restraints left to hold me back. Ivan had complete control over me, and anything he could have asked me, I would have answered honestly. "I want to have a family again..."
"Then you find your family." Ivan said, squeezing my shoulder, speaking with a firmness that rang in my ears like an inexorable command that I had to obey. "And you protect them with every bone in your body. With your blood, and sweat, and tears. You sacrifice anything, and everything for them, and you never give them up no matter the consequences. Under stand? You find what you want, and you pursue it, to the very end."
Every whispered word burned through my skin with a searing heat, so that I thought I would never be free of the pain of it. I could feel his command piercing my heart, every syllable carved into my flesh. I would obey him. Had to obey him, for his commandment was burned into me. And as I heard his decree, as I embraced it with every fiber of my being, I felt peace. Everything would give way to his words, had to give way, for his order was the one thing I trusted to guide me.
"I will." I said simply.