Aurore

6- Messing Up

"Its no surprise!" Shasta touched my arm.
"What are you talking about?"
"Jason, you're the envy of every agent in the Agensie! You're perfect, you have a perfect life, a perfect past. Almost every girl is madly in love with you and I don't blame them because you're unbelievably  attractive. Is there a reason you wouldn't be a special?"
"Wait." I stopped her." They think I'm perfect? Ha!" They couldn't be more wrong.
"You're not a special?" she asked, wide eyed.
"Um...no. I would have told you..."
"Jason..."  Shasta hugged me tightly.
"Did you think I was? I would have told you!"
"I thought..." she stammered "I thought you were...I thought that was the one secret you kept from me."
"Shasta, I tell you everything. And I mean EVERYTHING."
"Are you sure? I mean, I think you should have a test done to see if you are or aren't a special. I mean-"
"No. Stop, Shawn!"
As I raised my voice, I brought my hand up to my face quickly to brush my bangs from my eyes. She flinched, then stopped and stared at me, wide eyed. I had never raised my voice at her or used her real name, at least not for years. She thought I was going to hit her!
I instantly felt sorry. To show her my apology, I gingerly touched her hair.
"I don't want to be a special. I just want to be me."
She pulled from my hands.
"Jason. Please, just do it."
I looked down and felt my shoulders slacken.
I nodded slightly.
"Thank you!" She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a peck on the cheek, and with that, she walked out of the elevator.
I turned and watched as she walked away and sunk to the ground, relying on support from the elevator wall. I watched as the doors closed.
"Please choose a floor" the automated voice ordered.
I ignored it.
"Please choose a floor. Please choose a floor immediately."
I stood up angrily and slammed my hand up against the wall where the floor numbers were, sliding my hands around so it would go to multiple floors.
I slid back down onto the floor.
When it reached the next floor, the doors opened. A cute couple, probably 13 or 14, walked into the elevator, completely enthralled with each other.
"Take the stairs." I mumbled.
They stopped and looked at me.
"Take the stairs." I ordered loudly.
"Jas-" The boy stepped towards me.
I stood, towering over both kids. "Yes! I'm Jason Boneck! And yes, I have PTSD and I want you to get out of here!"
They fled from the elevator.
I slammed button #18, where the medical services were.
Sabrina was standing at the door of the elevator when I reached the medical floor.
"Jason, what are you doing?"
I pushed past her.
"Signing my life away!" I raged.
I stormed down the hallway without looking back.
I shoved the door open to the small store.
"I need to get a test done."
The woman sitting at the desk looked up at surprise.
"Name?"
"Jason Boneck."
She nodded.
"ID Number?"
"I don't feel comfortable giving it to you."
I was very protective about my ID number. She shrugged and allowed my door to open.
I walked into the doors and entered the the examination room.
A tall boy with red hair and blue eyes walked in.
"Jason, what's wrong?" he looked at me.
"I need a test."
"For what?"
"To see if I'm a special."
He set his clipboard down on the counter.
"Jason, you've been here for 9 years. Don't you think you'd know if you're special?"
"That's just it, David, I don't. Which is why I'm here. But...can you not record whether or not I'm a special? Just put that I came in for a regular check up?"
He nodded slowly. "If that's what you want. If you'll tell me one thing."
I nodded.
"Why don't you want it recorded?"
I sighed. "I just feel like there's some danger in being a special. And I don't want to be in danger."
He shrugged. "Whatever you say."
He had me perform a series of tasks and things to react to, and carefully took notes. At the end, he continued to take notes.
I sat in the chair, waiting for him to tell me the results.
"Would you quit?" David exclaimed, looking up from his clipboard.
I hadn't realized I was fidgeting like crazy.
"Sorry."
"Okay. First, I want to know if you want to be a special."
I shook my head. "No. No, I don't."
He nodded, his face not giving anything away.
"Well, I'm sorry to say this, but you're a Special."
My heart sank. I felt like I had swallowed a rock. I sat down again, gripping the arm of the chair for strength.
"I'm sorry, Jason. As far as the Agensie knows, you just came in for your check-up."
I nodded and stood up. With that, I stumbled out the door and to the elevator, where James, my absolute archenemy, stood, smirking at my inability to stand without support. I ignored him, because he was the least of my problems. Through my blurred vision, I pressed number 16, where the food court was. I waited impatiently, and stepped out of the elevator the moment it opened. In the employee area, in locker #34, was a stash of liquor, the only liquor in the facility. I discovered it when I worked in the food court, and the employees, most of which were my friends, still welcomed me to the employee lounge. My fingers trembled as I entered the passcode to the locker; I had to do it three times until it opened. Finally, I reached in and moved my fingers until they found the neck of a bottle. I slammed the locker shut, not bothering to relock it, and sprinted back to the elevator.
I sat in my room, allowing the dark cloud of whiskey pull its curtain over my brain. I stared at the TV duly, having muted it long ago. Nothing seemed real anymore. I had never drank as much as I had that day, not even close. Actually, I'd only drank a sip or two of wine at an event that the General took me to. After sitting there for about three hours, Andrew opened the door.
"Hey Bud! Wanna go to the Commons and-" he stopped. "Whoa, what happened to you?"
I waved him away.
"I'm fine. Just sitting here, thinking about the..." I glanced at the TV. My vision was so blurred I could barely make it out, but saw something white.
"The marshmallow on the TV there."
Andrew grabbed my shoulders as I stood up to steady me. He sniffed the air in front of me and made a face.
"I don't even know how you got a hold of this stuff." He grabbed the whiskey from my hand.
"You're drunk. Come on."
I tried to pull the bottle from Andrew's grasp. "Hey, that's mine."
"No." Andrew said. "It's whoever you got this from. I'm not gonna ask who it is, but I'm throwing it away." He dumped the remaining liquid down the sink in the bathroom and threw the bottle in the trash.
"I need that." I mumbled.
"No, you need your friends...and some coffee. Whatever happened, it can't be that bad. We'll help you through it."
I shook my head as my knees collapsed.
"Come on, Jason. Nothing's that bad! Your first kill? You didn't even drink then! I don't understand."
"You will never understand." I coughed.
"We're going to Shasta's." he ordered.
"No! no!" I pulled from his grasp. "She can't see me like this!" I exclaimed. "She can't, Andrew. She'll hate me. I hate myself." I sunk to the ground.
"I hate myself. I hate myself." I repeated again and again.
Andrew sat next to me. "Don't. I don't hate you. Let's go back in our room. You can stay there until you're sober."
He helped me up and back into the room. I don't remember anything after that.
I woke up the next morning and sat up. Bad idea. I had a splitting headache.
After a while, I made it to the bathroom, where I found ibuprofen. I walked out of the room and found Shasta's room. I opened the door quietly and sat down on the side of her bed.
"Shasta." I whispered.
Her blue eyes peeked through her white eyelashes and looked at me.
"Jason." she sat up slowly, "Where did you go last night?"
"I was really tired, so I just went to bed."
She looked at me doubtingly. "I asked Andrew where you were and he said he didn't know."
"Yea, he didn't come in until like 2 a.m."
She smiled. "So did you get the test? Did you find out if you are a special?"
My heart pounded in my chest and I felt my pulse in my temples.
"Yea I found out."
"And?" she looked at me expectantly.
"I'm not a special. Just a really good agent." What was I saying? Why didn't I tell her the truth? Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to say the words. I'm a special. I couldn't do it!
She wrapped her arms around me.
"That's what you wanted, right?"
I nodded as my eyes filled with tears. I shook them away.
"Yea, it's great."
She pulled away from me and said, "Well, you have to train soon. I'll see you after training. She winked at me and layed back down and fell asleep. I stayed by her side for another few minutes, in disbelief that I'd lied to my closest friend. Finally, I was able to stand up and leave the room.
I entered the training facility about 30 minutes after I was supposed to. Sabrina ran up to me, beads of sweat forming on her forehead.
"Where were you? You're half an hour late!"
I shrugged as I pulled off my shirt. "Had a bad night. Slept in."
"Oh, well, that's fine! We can just train for a half hour later today." I smirked and debated whether or not I wanted to put a workout shirt on. I decided to just go shirtless. My headache was making me feel like the room was 110 degrees, and despite the fact that I wore no shirt and simple workout shorts, I was still burning.
"Jason, you're my friend just as much you are my trainer, right?" I nodded dully as I wrapped the wrist tape around my hands and wrist.
"Well, then I'm sure you'll be happy for me!"
I looked up expectantly. I grabbed my water bottle and tilted it up to take a drink of water.
"Kyle and I are going out! He kissed me last night!"
"What?" I exclaimed. Out of surprise, I had squeezed the water bottle, causing it to spray all over me.
"Isn't it great?" She exclaimed.
"Um, Sabrina, I did tell you how Kyle doesn't believe in love and he just gets with girls for fun, right?" I cleared my throat, trying not to show my anger.
"Oh, Jason, you were wrong. He's so sweet, and thoughtful, and kind..."
my brother? Ha! She was being ridiculous!
"And.. well.. he's a good kisser..."
"Okay," I exclaimed as I stood up. "Okay. He's my brother. I don't need to know that! Just, just..." I began to stutter. "Just let's get to work."
She nodded solemnly and turned to the punching bag.
As soon as training was over, I stormed to the Commons, where I knew Kyle was.
"You kissed her?" I scolded him.
"What?" he said as he stood up.
"What, it's not enough that our parents loved you more and that you broke Shasta's heart all that time ago, but you had to take advantage of Sabrina, too?" I was fuming.
"Jason, it was just a kiss. She-" I cut him off.
"Stay away from her." I pointed at him. "You don't deserve her!"
Kyle clenched his fists and I watched as his face turned bright red.
"You can't say that!" he exclaimed. "You've never even kissed a girl! You don't know what you deserve!"
All talk in the commons stopped as everyone looked at us. Some girls were snickering, others were grimacing. I turned bright red. I told Kyle one secret, and he tells everyone!
"What were you doing? What were you thinking?" I exclaimed.
"At least I didn't get drunk last night!"
Gasps filled the room. I looked around, overcome with embarrassment. I looked around the room, and my eyes met Shasta's. Her face was full of fury, and she stomped away.
Before I realized what was happening, I had socked Kyle in the stomach and was on top of him. Kyle hit me hard, but I didn't feel it through the adrenaline that pulsed through my body.  He was taller and weighed more than me. I knew I wouldn't win this fight.
I struggled my way back so I was straddling his stomach. I punched him in the jaw. Before I knew it, someone was pulling me off of him. I struggled against his grip, but couldn't break free. Kyle lunged at me again, but one of his friends held him back. We stood there, panting and glaring at each other. I realized my nose was bleeding, but didn't do anything about it. I just wiped it away.
"Let's go, Jason. Before General finds out."
I looked and saw that Andrew had held me back. I stomped away and went to my room. I was in the bathroom trying to wash the blood (it was both mine and Kyle's) off my body, when I heard the door open. I turned off the shower and put a towel around my waist. I opened the bathroom door and saw Shasta. My heart beat faster.
"Uh.. let me get dressed really quick." Before I could turn to grab my clothes, she wrapped her arms around my neck.
"Are you okay?" She whispered. Her hands were cold, I could feel them on my bare back.
"I think so."
She pulled away, her shirt wet from my chest, and wiped a tear from her eye. "I'll let you get dressed."
I went back into the bathroom and put my clothes on, but I forgot my shirt, so I came out with just jeans on.
I sat on the bed beside her. She gingerly touched my eye, which was already swollen, and said, "Let me get something for your eye." As she went to get something across the room, I burst.
"I'm sorry, Shasta!"
She turned around, surprised. "Why did you drink? You know I hate liquor, you know...you know that's how...that's how he..." I grabbed her shoulders.
"I'm sorry, Shasta. I didn't know what to do, I thought I lost you...and...and..."
She put her head down and looked at the ground. I didn't know what was happening, but I didn't fight it. I lifted her chin so she was looking at me.
I felt a jumble of emotions, and my stomach churned in knots. Then, before I knew it, I was kissing her. I felt relieved and stressed at the same time. My mind begged the world that no one would walk in, to get the wrong idea. Luckily, no one did. I pulled away from her, and she just stared at me. The world began to move again; it seemed to have frozen while we were kissing. I instantly realized what I had done. One of my hands was around her waist, and with my other hand, my fingers were entwined in the hair at the nape of her neck. I pulled away from her, putting my hands in my pockets.
She stared at me. As her eyes widened, she pulled away from me.
"Oh my gosh..." she whispered.
"I'm sorry.." I whispered.
"What..." she began, and her voice raised to her regular voice. "What are you doing?"
"I don't know.." I started.
"Just...just don't do it again!" she shouted.
I nodded. "I won't, I can't believe I did that..."
I had ruined my relationship with her. I hated myself; it seemed that I was doing that a lot lately.
She turned away from me, but I grabbed her shoulders and turned her toward me.
"Look, can we just forget it? I was stupid, can we please?"
She slowly nodded. "Thank you." 
She pulled away.
"I just...I just need time for myself," she said and walked out of the room.
I sighed and walked to my dresser, and grabbed a red T-shirt and put it on.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.