Prologue
5:30 pm, School Bench
Natatawa nalang ako sa mga araw. Sa mga araw na nagsusulat pa ako ng diary. Isa 'to sa mga experiences na gusto ko nalang ibaon sa lupa sa pinakamalalim na puwedeng pagtaguan. Pero at the same time, very precious na hindi mo lang kayang mawala sa isip dahil isa 'yun sa mga bumubuo sa kabataan ko. Isa 'yun sa mga kakabit ng mga ala-ala ko sa kaniya.
I continued reading that entry of my diary that time.
Tinanong ko si Adrian kung anong problema niya. Hingal na hingal siya mula sa practice ng basketball kaya kahit atat na akong marinig siya ay inintindi ko pa rin ito. Matagal ko na 'tong napapansin sa kaniya. Ano nga ba ang problema niya? Nakakawalang gana na rin kasing makipagplastikan sa kaniya. 'Yung nagkakasalubong lang kami sa daan na parang basta civil lang kami. To think last week, he just surprised me for out first anniversary.
Tumulala siya. At huminga nang malalim. "Naguguluhan ako," aniya. Hindi ko alam kung hihinga ba ako nang malalim. Dahil kung gagawin ko 'yun, hindi rin ako makukuntento. Why not? 'Naguguluhan ako' either means he may already or may still not want to break up with me.
"Paano?" Hindi ko maituloy ang sasabihin ko. May bumabara sa lalamunan ko.
Tinitigan niya ang sapatos niyang ginuguhit-guhit niya sa baba. "Pakiramdam ko..." lumakas ang takbo ng dibdib ko. No, please, don't tell me you need space or anything. I don't want anything of those craps in our relationship. That's not healthy for me at all. "Bukas nalang tayo mag-usap. May ica-catch up pala akong dinner date kasama si Mommy at 'yung kaibigan niya from Cebu," sabi niya habang nakatingin sa wrist watch.
Napatulala nalang ako habang naglaho siya sa tabi ko.
Sa gabi, tinawagan ko si Tita Cathy, Adrian's mom. Aniya, naka-stay raw siya sa bahay nila at hindi pa umuuwi si Adrian. Hindi ako umiyak. Inisip ko nalang na may white lies. Baka may surprise.
Napangisi ako. I can't imagine how foolish I was that time. Nang natapos ako sa page na 'yon ay nilipat ko sa entry ko sa sumunod na araw. 'Yong page na maraming nadistort na violet guidelines.
12:00 pm, Library
You really never know.
It just went too fast.
It doesn't sink in to me.
With us being together for a year, it's hard to believe. It really is.
Paulit-ulit kong sinasabi sa sarili: wala na. Wala na kayo.
Kailan ba naging valid ang rasong "I want to be free. I want to live life without pressure" para mag-break ang isang couple?
Lahat ng salita niya tumatak sa'kin.
"Naguguluhan ako kung mahal pa ba kita or I just feel like I'm oblidged to make you happy kasi pinasaya mo rin ako my whole life as members of two close families. Or if I just see you as a vulnerable glass that may just break any time soon kaya hindi kita mabitawan. But it's the time that I choose for myself. I want to be free. I want to live life without pressure. Me being confused with how I really feel for you is a pressure to me, Ja. Besides, masyado ka na rin naka-concentrate sa'kin. I fear na maf-fail mo 'yung parents mo dahil sa'kin especially that they're more conscious of your grades than you are. I'm sorry but I beleive we both deserve freedom."
Napapamura pa rin ako hanggang ngayon sa excuse niya. It may not be feeling the same pain like before, but I still beleive it's the worst excuse I've ever heard. Yes, excuse. It's an excuse. He did date a lot of girls after that. He gave up varsity. He joined a new set of friends. I was able to talk to the past ones he had, to the twins Giro and Gino, Kyle, and Seth. They all didn't know what was happening to him. He got his hair bleached to ice blonde. He turned himself to a canvas by doing tattoos all over his body. It all confused me.
Now, why was I seeing these again? Why not? I just heard he'll be back in the village this week.
"Miss Ja," tunog ng intercom. "OMG! Ate Ja!! May bisita ka!" patuloy nito sa ibang boses.
