guardian | gintoki x reader

c h a p t e r f i v e

        Have you ever been so hurt by someone you trusted so much?  So much that you thought you two could last a lifetime?  But within that lifetime, it's like an hourglass.  The sand falls to tell how much time passes by and how much you've spent together.  Once it's done and the bottom is full, you can tip it over to start anew.  But it's a choice you can make.  If that hourglass suddenly gets tipped over by you or someone else and falls off the table onto a hard surface, it's gone.  You can never put back the pieces but you can find a replacement.  A replacement to let time itself to heal your wounds from picking up and touching those shards of memories.  Memories that will soon go into the trash and be gone forever.  Your physical wounds may heal but the wounds inside you cannot.
        Be careful of your life choices.  Be careful who you call your friend, your family, your lover and so on.  Make your relationships stable and stick through the thick and thin.  It's like a rose; beautiful until it slowly fades away. 
        I know it hurts.  I know it's not easy.  But make sure to be grateful of the things that you love and cherish it.  Don't let it go to waste—don't be like me.  Who I am is someone I didn't want to become but I didn't have a choice.  Everyday I tried my hardest—I tried to live up to people's expectations.  But now I've given up.  I threw everything away and barely have the energy to do anything anymore.  To be able to smile correctly, to laugh out of pure joy, to be able to trust again, to have the pleasure of eating, and so much more.  My insecurities have become the death of me.  So please, stay strong.  If you can't, I can understand—because I'm already there.

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        When [Name] was little, she would write to herself on a sheet of paper to be able to look back at how far she's gotten to where she is.  Whenever she felt down, she would pick out a random note she left behind to boost herself up.  She would even rant out her bad days and look back to smile at her silly memories.  But now that she's a full grown adult, she would laugh at herself.  At how dumb she was—but not a laugh in a good way.  It was like putting someone, much more weaker than you, down in a very deranged negative way.
        She felt like people had no right to complain about how horrible their life is because others had it worse than them.  When she realized that as a kid, she quickly grew up into reality and let it consume her.  But being consumed by reality did not make her into a great person.  She hated herself more than ever when her friends would point out the flaws that she had.  She already knew she wasn't the best person in the world so pointing out her flaws was completely pointless.  She knew herself more than anyone.  You know my mistakes but you don't know me.
        [Name] would silently cry herself at night and would wish for that old kind and caring personality she used to have.  So where did it all go?  "Oh," she would whisper out of realization.  "I killed it."

        She remembered the day when Yoshida Shouyou found her on the verge of death.  She was covered in blood and had many bruises all over her body.  She smelled of smoke and gasoline.  Shouyou didn't mind, though.  He gladly carried her on his back and made their way to his place.  That was where she had met a boy named Gintoki Sakata.
        He was a huge jerk at first but ended up to become more soft over the first few months when he heard her backstory from Shouyou.  He said that she had came from an abusive family and nearly starved to death.  Shouyou told Gintoki to make a promise to not tell anyone of what had happened to her family for she had snapped and stabbed her mother in the eye with fountain pen she had on her desk from writing a report for her work.  That triggered something inside [Name], and she grabbed the knife her mother used to make bite sized pieces for her apple she just ate as a snack.  She stabbed the woman a few times in the chest and finished her to the head.
        When her brother came in to see what all the commotion was about, he screamed and beat her up; which was completely normal to do to her in the house.  He swung the same knife she used and defended himself from her but stabbed himself in the stomach on accident when she pushed him to the ground to get him off of her.  He bleed and burned to death as [Name] grabbed gasoline from the garage to pour it over their bodies and the entire house; setting it on fire.
        When Gintoki went up to ask her about her past, she did not hesitate to tell which was very odd to him.  Kids his age would not utter a word out of fear but he wanted to test it for himself.  She told him exactly what Yoshida had said and added that her mother made her father work to the bone until he grew weak and passed away. He was her reason to keep going and even promised that when he made enough money, they would run away together and finally escape the hell they were living in.  But that day never came—for her father, that is.
        Being saved by Yoshida Shouyou was a miracle for her.  She could start anew and finally live a better life, and that she did.  It became better when she met Kotaro Katsura and Shinsuke Takasugi.  They were her new family and she reminded herself of how grateful she was to have them.  Back in her old life, she told herself that life would get better and it did.  But then again, it was thrown at her as a crumbled up sheet of paper.  It had wrinkles which could never turn out to be perfect again after losing a precious man she could call a father; Yoshida Shouyou.

        There was a time when she woke up crying in the middle of the night in the Yorozuya.  She couldn't stop bawling her eyes out from the nightmare she had; it was just horrible memories linked to her disgusting past that haunted her for years.  Probably still will for centuries. 
        Gintoki held her in his arms that night and comforted her the best he could.  He remembered she would wake up like this back in the days of the war.  But this night was far different from what he would do like he used to.
        He caressed her cheek with his palm and the other wiping her sorrowful tears away.  He wanted to make her feel loved, he wanted to end her suffering.  He wanted to be the reason behind her smiles.  He wanted to at least be able to save her—to save her so he wouldn't lose another person he cared about.  He hated having that to happen to him all the time.  He was sick of it but masked it with his pride just like her. 
        "It's okay," he said.  "I'm right here."  He had smiled.  She looked up at him with those gorgeous [color] orbs he adored so much.  He needed the light in those eyes to stay forever, and forever they will as long as he was around.  She sniffled a sob and rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand.  His smiled grew of how cute her actions were. 
        But the sweetest action he's ever done to her on a night like this was setting his lips on top of her's; sharing their first kiss.

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Through all the pain and regret, it still hurts till this day.  No matter how much I've lost—as long as I have you, there's nothing I could fear.