Book 1: What We Had in the Beginning

Chapter 12: Seven

I've experienced various amounts of pain throughout my life. From broken bones, gashes, hunger, stab wounds, to having my innocence ripped away from me. But this is different. This pain isn't physical, no it's imbedded deep in my mind, somewhere I can't reach and all I can do is lie back and wait for it to pass. I wait and wait, but the pain continues. I can hear the sound of distant screaming but I can't tell where it's coming from. Blue lights continue to flash behind my eyelids as the feeling of insects crawling all over my body triggers a wave of nausea to bubble up in my stomach. I don't think the pain can get worse, but I'm proven wrong when another swell of pain slices through my mind like a hot blade. The screaming gets worse. All of a sudden, a tugging feeling starts to weave its way through my head like a snake. It feels almost like someone's softly pulling at my hair and gradually it gets more harsh. The rough tugging continues until it turns into vicious clawing that makes it feel like my mind's being ripped away layer by layer. Black spots take the place of the blue and my mind finally goes numb. The screaming stops.

*

The sound of muffled voices brings me back into consciousness. As the feeling of a headache starts to blossom, the voices gradually get louder until the throbbing sensation grows to be unbearable. Attempting to open my eyes, I finally manage to peel them open only to snap them back shut when I'm faced with blinding white light. Blinking a couple times so my eyes can adjust, I'm finally able to fully open them to take in my surroundings. The first thing I see is a tall man, probably in his mid 40s, standing in front of me. Ivan. Behind Ivan is a line of officers, their hands firmly grasping their weapons at the ready.

"Natalia, what do you remember?" As soon as those words leave Ivan's mouth, everything comes rushing back. The Red Room, the Black Widow Program, the questioning, the brainwashing. "Natalia?"

The Soldier.

"I remember I'm being trained to become the Black Widow." I reply robotically, looking through Ivan as if he wasn't there. I think back to when I saw Velina get wiped and I try to copy everything she did. I want so badly to search for the Soldier but I know better than to do that now. I have so many questions, like why do I remember everything, why didn't the machine work, and do the other girls remember too?

"Do you remember anything else?" Ivan pushes, leaning in and and staring directly into my eyes. I keep my face blank, even his cigar breath doesn't make me falter.

"No, just the Red Room." He studies my face for a few more moments, then nods to someone next to me. Looking down, I finally realize my wrist and feet have been strapped down. As the restraints loosen and are being pulled away, I lift my wrists to examine the angry looking red marks that circle around them. I don't feel it, but it looks like it should hurt. The skin around my wrist has been rubbed raw and beads of blood have started to trail down my arm. The feeling of my ankles being released as well makes me look down, those too are a deep shade of red. I watch as the person very carefully loosens the last leather strap from my right ankle. The metal hand that briefly brushes against the sensitive skin makes my chest tighten and my breathing become shallow. I want to look at him, everything inside me tells me to look at him, but everyone else in this room's scrutinizing every move I make and I can't risk that. At least not now.

"Take her to the showers." Ivan calls behind his shoulder where the same officer that brought me from the training room emerges. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch as the Soldier stands back up and takes a couple steps back to make room for us to leave. The officer grips my arm with much force and hauls me out of the chair, dragging me to the door as if I weighed nothing. As the officer pulls me along, I'm barley able to keep up with him due to the still pounding feeling in my head which causes me to stumble a couple times. The officer grunts in annoyance every time I trip, making him move faster. When we finally reach the 3rd floor, I'm led around the corner until we arrive at the door to the washroom. Shoving me inside, I slip on the wet tile and fall to the floor. I catch myself in time so my head doesn't come in contact with the ground, not wanting my head to get worse. Remind me to kill him too before I get out of here. Looking up, I find Milgred, Lena, and Windeliena taking showers, looking down at me in confusion. They must not recognize me. Standing back up, I begin to discard my clothes. They don't continue to stare at me as I make my way to the farthest shower stall. Turning the pipe on, the icy water begins to soothe the aching in my head and numb my throbbing wrists and ankles. What am I going to do now? I wasn't suppose to remember anything. Everything's just become a lot more harder. Now I have to pretend I can't remember, but what am I suppose to remember? The other girls seem to not recognize me, so I'm not suppose to remember them. Are we suppose to remember the Soldier?