Book 1: What We Had in the Beginning

Chapter 13: Rehearsal

It's been 3 days since that night with the Soldier. 3 days since my memories were almost taken away and 3 days since I discovered that the Soldier might just be as compromised as I am and we're handling it pretty well. He doesn't treat me any different than before. Though when we train together at night I do notice his hands linger a little longer than necessary, but that could just be me reading too much into it. I've been doing that a lot lately. Reading too much into things. Or maybe I've always done that and I'm just now noticing that about myself. Paying attention to things I shouldn't be paying attention to, like the way his Adam's apple bobs and his fists clench when he gets orders from Ivan or any other officer. Or how he absentmindedly licks at his lips every couple seconds because their dried and chapped, and how every time I see him do that I get this twisting feeling in my stomach. I've also been thinking about things I absolutely shouldn't think about, like what'll happen after the program and where the Soldier will go. I've also caught myself a couple times wishing I had Yelena to spar with, as much as I hate to admit it or think about it, she's my friend. Or she was my friend. But I have much more pressing matters to worry about other than lingering touches and a lost friendship. Tomorrow night we have our performance to do for the KGB. Ivan has us going over our routine everyday for hours on end. We haven't had any classes with Mr. Volkov or the Soldier since the other girls got wiped, instead we spend the entire day with Madam Oksana dancing. Which I don't mind, I do miss our training with the Soldier but this is only until tomorrow. Also Mr. Volkov seems relieved to not have us around. Not only have we been dancing with Madam Oksana, but we've also been getting fitted as well. I never really thought about what we'd wear, I just assumed we'd wear our training clothes. But now that I've thought about it I realize that would be ridiculous. We're performing for the head of the KGB, Ivan would never let us dance for them in our training clothes. I don't know exactly what we'll be wearing, Madam Oksana just measures different parts of our body and then leaves. But I don't think that'll matter tomorrow night, I'll be too worried about everything else. But luckily I don't have to think about this until tomorrow, so I've promised myself. For the past couple days I've tried not to think about the performance or Ivan or the KGB officers, because I know we'll start the day with 7 girls and end the day with less than that. Not to mention on top of all of this I'm risking the Soldier's life almost as much as he's risking mine. So much regret and guilt has been swimming around my head since that night. From him somehow keeping me from being wiped, to the fact that I still haven't given the Soldier his file yet.

We just finished going over our routine for the 21st or 22nd time I think, I lost count after 15. Any minute Ivan will come in and escort us to the dining hall for lunch. The music for our dance starts sad and slow and progressively gets faster and more cheery, that then it speeds up even more and ends suddenly. The songs a story, a tragedy, I can almost see it playing out and I'm the main character. My life starts slow and sad, everyday feels the same and it's like I've spent the past few years on autopilot. Then it gradually becomes faster, like how the last few days have been. Almost like I can't keep up and it's going by too fast. Then as it almost reaches the end, it loses control and suddenly ends. I know that part hasn't happened yet, out of control part, and no amount of mental and physical preparation can prepare me for it but I know it's coming. How can it not? With this line of business I'm in, whatever it is, it doesn't involve happy endings. Whether I get out of here or not, I can't have one. I don't deserve one, and I've come to terms with that, I'm almost okay with it.

"Ladies." A voice calls from the doorway where Ivan stands waiting for us to follow him. The music stops and we all walk to the door, not bothering to take our ballet shoes off since we'll be coming back. Since the Soldier hasn't been training us, I often wonder what he does all day. Sometimes he'll be in the dining hall eating lunch or dinner and other times he's nowhere to be found. I always mean to ask him when we train together after everyone's asleep or when we just lie on the training mat staring at the ceiling, but that time seems too sacred. Too precious for dumb questions and words. Instead we speak through our movements, our hits and our pain. 'Good jobs' and 'you're improving' in the form of cuts and bruises. And something else, always something else is said. But we'd both ignore it, whatever it is. We're both good at ignoring things until it can't be ignored anymore, or until someone does something stupid like planning to steal a file to give to the other or intervening with a brainwashing program so the other person won't become a walking sack of skin and bones. The other girls have barley blinked in the last 3 days. Not a single word has come from them and I thought that would relieve me, to not hear their annoying giggling or stupid gossip but I actually kind of miss it. Yup there's definitely something wrong.