Ten and a half thousand miles

Chapter twenty seven

References to death.

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Theo and Lilly were staying at the flat and I had to go to tell Mark that I didn't want his hand in marriage. I didn't know how he would take it but surely he would want me to be happy. 

It was three days after the funeral and I unlocked the front door. My small suitcase with the blue ribbon was ready to be brought into the house. I was ready to talk.

"Mia, how are you?" Mark asked.

My Dad had just died and he didn't even go to the funeral. He has not seen me since my father died three weeks ago and he asks how I am? Well I'm going to be so happy aren't I? No...

"I'm doing okay," I replied, "Has anything interesting happend?" 

"No, not really." 

"Look, Mark, I think we need to talk about something and I really hope you aren't going to hate me but I think you need to know." 

"Okay, what's wrong?"

"Just before I met you, I had gone through a really hard time," I started, "I had fallen hopelessly in love with a film director from Sydney. We were together for about a month and I never thought after him I would have been able to move forwards. Then I found you. I was never really as happy as I was with the film director but I liked to persuade myself that I loved you more because I missed him so much. Only now I have realized that I was using you to make myself feel better. To take away the pain and misery. That is not fair on you, me or him. I am so sorry for wasting what would have been a good life together but I am sorry, I don't think I would have been very happy for either of us. I would not have been ineffably happy like I was with him. I know that this is hard for you to accept and I know you most likely hate me so much right now but I hope that maybe one day you could forgive me and we could be really good friends because you mean a lot to me. I am so sorry for wasting a long period of your time. Cutting almost a year out of your life."

"What's his name?"

"It doesn't matter." 

"It does I just want to know!" He shouted.

"You wouldn't know what it's like to miss somebody!"

"Don't you dare say that to me! You have no idea what I went through with my wife!"

"What wife?" 

"I got married when I was twenty to my childhood sweetheart. She was eighteen at the time; we were next door neighbors before Mum and Dad moved to the big house. We were so happy and I didn't think that anything could ever come in between us. We had a beautiful wedding and on her twenty first birthday, we found out we were having a baby. I thought it was movie love, you know. We went to every meeting at the baby clinic and we were so excited to be parents. I was almost twenty four and everything seemed 'perfect'." It was at this point Mark began crying, "My wife, Beatrice, was in a car accident and they all tried really hard but she died and so did my baby girl. The meeting we went to a few days before told us we were having a baby girl. The two things in this world that meant everything to me were just taken away and I didn't know what to do for a very long time. I just grieved and it was difficult for a very long time - and it still is. I named our baby Matilda because that was a name both of us liked when we were thinking of names. Matilda was Beatrice's favourite so that's why I picked it, and, I also liked it too." 

It was silent.

He knew I was sorry.

But I reiterated my apology.

"I'm so sorry I had no idea. I will stay with you, you've gone through enough."

"No, he sounds like your Beatrice and, if I could, I would have her back and never let her go! Please go be with him! I do not want to be the reason you aren't with the love of your life."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"I'm really sorry about Beatrice and Matilda," I started, "I can't even understand your pain."

"You lost your father, that must have been hard!"

"It was and,I've just realized, you didn't go to the funeral because you find them hard since everything."

He just looked at the floor.

"I'm so sorry for thinking you were a bad person for leaving me to do the funeral without you, I had no idea."

"It's fine."

It was one again silent.

"Theo Williams."

Mark looked confused.

"You asked for his name," I began, "Theo Williams."

"Go have a beautiful life Future Mrs Williams."

"How do you know?"

"I just do."

" I hope you find somebody and I will keep in touch."

"Thank you and of course!"

"Thank you for everything!"

"Ditto."

With that I packed all my things and loaded the car. 

I slowly removed the engagement ring and placed it on the table. I then closed the door, and drove away.