LOVE IS SELFISH

chapter one

Alexander POV

Being alone with your feeling is the worst because you have nowhere to run. They just here dancing in your mind and all you can do is handle. My therapy said I should start writing a journal to explain my feeling and thought, but every time I start writing I get pissed and stop. I hate the way I think, nobody no the way I feel and they could never understand it even if they're trying to. Lonely is not being alone it the feeling that nobody cares, that how I feel some times and when that happened I just shut everyone out. Some time I feel like I'm becoming death the destroyer of the world or my family world. I don't get why people are so afraid of death cause I'm not, to me life hurt more than death. These feeling and thought started popping in my mind after my brother death. I had die too, at least I thought I did.
Me and my older brother James was driving to school, when this out of control truck hit us and the car went out of control, and all I could remember after that is waking up in a hospital room and my brother was not there.
I learn that in life you can't control what happens to you but you can control your attitude toward what happened to you and in that you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.
But when you me, Alexander Hamilton you'll just lose control and balanced of your life and your mind.
"Alex " my mom yelled my name from down stairs.
Today her best friend Nancy was coming to stay with us since her house got burn down. She have a son about my age, I known him since we were young but we were never close.
I choose to stay away from him since when I was with him I would have these weird feeling. And later on when he and his mom has moved to some town with this guy she had meet and claim to be in love with him, I discover I had been in love with Jacob Smith for the longest.
But he's with this girl Sara Campbell my twin sister Olivia best friend and even if he wasn't I still didn't have a chance since I'm the gay one and he's not.
I remember those days when I was younger and in church the people would talk about how being gay was a sin, I think it was the main reason why I had stay away from Jacob I didn't want to be gay or get rejected by my grandparents.
But now I don't really care about what they think or anyone else.
Now I have a new attitude toward things, I just don't care, my family still think it a face but it just me not caring or trying not to.
I'm still closet gay cause I'm to much of a pussy to come out or just don't want to believed it. I haven't do anything sexual with any guys but I had some make out session with a few.
Especially this week since my so called girlfriend Elisabeth moved away. I'm not gonna lie I really was  in love with this girl, or I thought, she was my best friend my everything.