High Steaks: A Bjorn Trilogeé Adventure

Chapter 3: Bjorn

The Post Office has been a long time front for covert activities. Half of the money that they make off of the sale of stamps goes to the funding of a secret quasi-governmental agency. It was started by Ben Franklin in 1792 in order to do 'whatever was necessary' to keep America safe, but without any type of congressional interference. Ben knew that there were forces out there that are hell-bent on destroying the fledgling nation and he also knew that if the general public caught wind of this, well they would piss in their collective pantaloons. To the average American, when they think of Ben Franklin, most will envision the great statesmen, some will even think of the writer and inventor, a few may think that he was the President who freed the slaves after he invented electricity. Those are all wrong! That last one is really wrong. I mean come on! Read a book. In reality, Ben Franklin was a 33 degree Freemason and a 4th degree black belt in Sinanju. His father was a strict Unitarian ... when such a thing wasn't even an oxymoron.

As a child, Ben had been obsessed with the occult and the dark side of life. He even witnessed his fathers' murder at the hands of a werewolf -- or rather the teeth. From then on Ben attached silver onto everything that he owned, he was obsessed with being prepared for a werewolf attack. It was this tragic event that lead to his lifelong friendship with famed silversmith Paul Revere.

While living in London and attending his regular drug and sex orgy at the Hellfire Club, Ben had a vision (or an opium fueled super freak out, take your pick) whilst plowing a comely lass. He saw a great fire spreading across a fruited plain, a massive crystalline turkey was being attacked by a posse of weasels when suddenly through the smoke and flames flew an army of men in blue cotton shorts.

This premonition made it virtually impossible for him to continue in his rape and torture fest. The Grandmaster of the Hellfire club was a large naked man with a red pointed hood who was secretly Earl of Campbell, well known today for creating a sex act that bares his name. If you don't know about it, consider yourself lucky as it's so vile that its very description is punishable by excommunication. So anyway, Earl told Ben that he should go home and think about this vision. Maybe even ponder its true meaning.

Ben was staying at his friend Elijah Toft's house in London and was trying to relax when the home was invaded by a group of werewolves ... the very same group of werewolves that had now been following Ben for years. He quickly grabbed his silver plated ax and yelled, "the only thing you can be sure of is Death and ... AXES" as he split the werewolves head in two. Werewolves are naturally allergic to silver, and also axes can't be good for them either, so this kill was twice as deadly. To this day the skeletal remains of ten werewolves, albeit in their human form, are buried underneath the house on 36 Craven Street. Thus ruining its resale value.

It was on that day that Franklin decided to start the USPS. This organization lies beyond the FBI and beyond the CIA, this is why its existence is explicitly authorized by the Constitution. Imagine an entire army of men in blue short pants, in every neighborhood, in every city in America, keeping her safe from powerful international forces. Forces so deadly that the even the Federal Government is incapable of tangling with them.

One extra added bonus; if an agent got caught or went rogue people would just assume he "went postal". This is, of course, all written in the 'Lost book of Poor Richard's Almanac' kept in the Secret Smithsonian a mile underneath the actual Smithsonian.

Bjorn fell asleep around 3 AM and awoke around 6 AM to the sound of a mouse scurrying across his floor. It sounded to him like an elite crack squad of ninja's wearing tap shoes. Despite having a strange dream about a giant turkey, he had no appetite this morning and quickly got dressed and hurried outside to his used AMC Gremlin. One could say 'its seen better days' but even on its best day it was still an AMC Gremlin.