Hey, sorry if I've been acting stand-offish lately. I should be the one appologizing for pushing away my friends. So, I'm sorry.
On saturday, I just broke down. I tried to hold it together at work, but they had to take me off side cash and set me to work doing cleanup. I only held it together until i got to the car. I just drove for half an hour around town, I didn't want to go home. When I finally worked up the courage to get out of my car, i spend a good half hour talking to my mom about why i was crying... that's a conversation i don't want to talk about yet.
I went to the doctor on monday, and while I don't have a diagnosis yet, he's worried that I might have depression or an anxiety disorder. I definitely have the syntoms for it. I am on medication for it now.
I don't get it though. I thought I had it under control. Its as if there's just absolutely no reason for it; I'm just an introverted teenager, there are far better reasons to want to die than the fact that I am going nowhere in life. But it doesn't change the fact that I don't want to be here. It doesn't change the fact that I will never be good enough for my family when I have an older brother who wants to be a priest, is an AP student, AND is an eagle scout. I don't blame them.
What the hell is the point anyways? I will just die in the end, and if life's about the journey, what if my journey never changes? I've been living like this for the better part of 6 years. I thought I would be allowed to be happy again. I mean, I am every now and then, but the next just comes around more shitty than the last. I don't feel like I have the right to be sad, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like there's this cloud always hanging over me. It never goes away, and while i might get some sunshine every now and then, it always comes back.
Why the hell am I still here?
YOU ARE READING
Incomplete thoughts
Non-FictionI usually delete alot of stories I put on here, mostly for one of two reasons: 1. because it was an incomplete thought, and needed to be thought through more before being published to the world. 2. because I thought it was too whiny, boring, or vag...
