If I think about my life 6 years ago, everything seemed to be so easy, although at the time nothing seemed easy at all. Before I met him I was nothing more than a young woman wanting more from life than what she was given, I was unsure about everything and the only thing that seemed to make sense was him, he was my only constant. I remember meeting him and being intrigued by the handsome yet intellectual man that wanted me. I remember the day as clearly as I remember the day everything seemed to change. We used to be inseparable and in love now it’s as if we going through the motions. I know I love him and clearly he loves me, we’ve been through so many obstacles and to some degree it has pushed us further from each other rather than bring us closer. So many things have changed in the last two years. At times I wish I could change the path we took when we met but if I change any slightest thing, we would end up different. The thought of changing anything scares me, because no matter how bad things are the fact remains that I wouldn’t change a single thing about us. The love we share, our memories we made and all the spontaneous things we have done, I wouldn’t change a thing. When I think back to when we met it dawns upon me that my head always told me to run while my heart told me to stay and soon after I listened to my heart it became apparent to my head that my heart was right. It was in that moment when I realised that I loved him. Well maybe it was before that but in that moment when my head gave into my heart it was the moment I let myself become happy, I had no more internal fights with myself, no more doubts about myself and no more doubts about him. I trusted him, he made me feel safe and I gave him everything I could because I knew he would never hurt me, but lately he scares me, not enough to make me leave but enough for me not to completely trust him. I never know he will react to things I tell him or do. I think I only stay with him because I know what he has always meant to me and because a huge part of me blames myself for what has happened to us. His not mad at me, so why am I mad at myself? I feel like I make him the unhappiest man in the world while he makes me his queen. When his gentle and sweet I wonder how he could be the same man that hurts me the way he does. Why does love need to be this hard? Loving him used to be so easy and carefree but now our relationship seems so distant, so different and cold. Yet when we close, I can feel the fire between us, when he kisses me, my knees still get weak and being held by him makes me safe, warm and belong, it’s like he put a spell on me and it can’t be broken. I remember the times I would wake up in the middle of the night and stroll around the apartment because I wouldn’t want to wake him, but he would wake up anyway. I remember him telling me he could never sleep if I was not next to him. I remember waking him up in the middle of the night to make love to him. I remember him holding me close as we slept and the best part was waking up in his arms, he would not move until I woke up, because he was scared of waking me. He would embrace me and watch me sleep and when I would wake up, we would enjoy each other. We used to have so much fun and have so much sex and now we never in the same room for longer than an hour without wanting to be somewhere else. We sleep in the same bed, yet we barely embrace anymore, so many things have changed its unbelievable. If anybody told me that our relationship would ever become like this I would deny every word they would say because in my mind I thought we would always be perfectly happy and open with each other even if we did have fights, they were never as crazy as they are now. Some days his so loving and others his as cold as snow, maybe it’s all in my head and I’m over analysing his distance but it does not feel like I am. Some days it feels likes like there is no fight left inside me, most days I don’t want to get out of bed and feel as if I just want to die, but then he shows up and comforts me, it's as if he senses something is wrong with me and he makes everything good temporarily. He knows what to say to make me feel better, he knows how to make me happy in any moment, he always knows what to do, he is the only person that can cheer me up and he is the only one with the power to make me brave enough to face the day. How does he know me as well as he does? When I think about it, he always has been my Batman, saving me from myself, giving me a reason to live and making me the happiest woman alive, while I make him miserable. I remember when everything used to be simple, when I was just a city girl that didn't know what she wanted to do with her life, writing fan fictions about my favourite celebrities, now I'm a no. 1 seller with my own publishing house. Oh, how my life has changed since then. The better our life seems to get the worse our marriage seems to become. His hardly here and when he is home; I go out of town, guess it’s everything that is tearing us apart. When everything is broken down I realise how messed up everything is. I missing being Agnes James, my life used to seem hard because all my friends were doing things with their lives, planning their future while I was trying to figure my life out. All I had was my writing, I always seemed to have a way with words, it started with poetry after my mother died and blossomed from there. Since then poetry has been my way to vent, from my anger to my happiness, everything was written in a poem, which explained exactly what I felt in the moment, it helped me through so much because I tend to bottle things up. Maybe it is my fault we torn apart, I don’t talk to him because I don’t want him to see me weak, so I lock that side of me up, verbally and I write down what I feel and now my husband is drifting away from me. Life used to be simple and I was unmotivated and happy, gosh I miss those days, I had no stress even if I had no plans for the future and lacked real ambition for anything because I was unsure about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, I just took life as it came. It’s amazing how life shifts all the time and you just have to adjust. When I met Damon I had nothing of my own, I leached off my sister and did what I wanted, then suddenly there he was spoiling me, giving me the world and I wanted none of it. When we met I never knew he was a multibillionaire with a software company, in my eyes he was just a guy interested in me, with brains and looks, in my eyes he has always been perfect and the few flaws he has is nothing compared to his perfections. When we met I was naïve and young and I hated the way he spent money on me, it made me feel as if I needed to be bought, when all I needed was him. All I ever need is him. I’d give up everything to be as happy as we were two years ago, I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue, I’d go crawling down the avenues just to be as happy as I used to be with him, I’d give up everything for him, I wonder if he will do the same for me? Few years ago I would never have had doubt about how far he would go for me. I really always thought it was impossible for us to fall out of love, but he is probably bored of me, we have been together six years now and when we got married we were young and naïve and we didn’t know how hard it would be to keep a marriage going. We knew what we felt at the time and we had blind faith in that. Truth is we didn’t give our relationship enough time to blossom before we got married. Now I push him away and he pushes me away, guess we equally to blame for the distance between us. I miss him when his out of town, I miss him when his not around me, I always miss him and I don’t know what I would do without him, he is my pillar. I can’t picture my life without him, guess I’d rather suffer with him than be happy with anyone else because no matter how happy the new person makes me, it could never match the way Damon makes me feel. Oh, the way Damon makes me feel, when he touches me, kisses me and the way he makes me feel when we make love. Everything he does makes me happy, everything he does is to make me happy, he is the sweetest guy I know, and I don’t deserve him. Yes, life has changed us and yes we are completely different people now, or so we seem. When we break everything down and we see through all the walls surrounding us, how different are we really? When I look back, I realise I have always felt unworthy of his love and admiration. I never believed that I deserved his love and affection, because he was always better to me than I was to him. Now I can’t give him what most women can and I feel like I’m holding him back, I feel as if I’m keeping him from happiness. He doesn’t hate me and he says nothing can steal his happiness as long as I’m next to him, but a part of me wonders if he will ever go elsewhere to get what he wants. Why do I doubt a man that loves me as much as he does? His never hurt me nor lied to me, so why do I doubt his loyalty to me? It has to be because I doubt myself. Am I the entire reason for our marriage failing? Or have we not put enough work into our marriage? Clearly love is not enough because if it was our marriage would be soaring instead of sinking. I keep wondering if our marriage can survive anymore, because I don’t think it can.
