When I think about my life I realise that I had it quite easy until now. Lately my life has been on a downward spiral. Last year was my final year of high school and I pissed it away. I spent all my time writing a fan fiction because people loved it and I hated school. I’ve always been easy on the intake of anything new I can learn but on my final year of school it was as if I gave up and when I finally woke up, it was too late. Now my friends are going on with their lives and mine seems stationary. I have nothing to do that’s productive and meaningful to me. I have to rewrite 4 of my papers, which means I have to study. The hardest thing is that I have no faith in myself and everyone believes in me, how do they have such blind faith in me yet I have no faith in myself? They tell me to trust in God but where was god when I needed him? I worked my butt off for a fail, where was he when I proved I deserved to pass? When I lacked sleep to study? Where was he? Why should I have such blind faith in something I can’t see? Why should I have blind faith in something that never gave me a miracle? Why should I? I lost my faith a long time ago. They say God doesn’t give you any battles you can’t handle; you just need to have faith. I had faith, I prayed, I believed, yet he took my parents away from me, long before I was ready. I had faith yet almost everything was taken away from me. I had faith. Why do some people get it easy, while I have to suffer with all this pain? My life crumbled in a matter of three years and I watched it crumble, I sat in a corner and watched my life fall apart, I watched as I disappointed my sister and broke her heart, and I watched as I became someone I never knew. I watched myself detach from the world, I watched as I detached from myself. I used to be a bright young girl now, I’m just another fan fiction writer that’s idol will never read her novel. I poured my heart and soul into a piece of work nobody other than my few fans will ever get to know. Often my head roams on suicide but I don’t have it in me to kill myself. I just want to take my pain away, I want to take my sisters pain away, I just don’t want to live because everyone has a high expectation of me and I don’t want to live up to it anymore, because I can’t. I’ve always lived in my sister’s shadow and although I’m taller than her, I could never out shine her. She has always been better than me at everything. Since she was great they expected me to be better and I just was never fitting for the role. To make everything worse, to my family I look like a liar and a coward because after I failed and everyone sent me congratulations messages, because each one of them assumed that I would do well, I decided to ignore them and only reply once I had enough courage to tell them that I had failed, my sister told me to reply “Thank you” and that they didn’t know that I failed yet she went behind my back and told them. That’s when I realised why I always hated her, how could she do that to me? Doesn’t even matter anymore, I will never trust her, if it wasn’t already apparent that I didn’t trust her. I just feel like a need a new life.
My friends and I decided that we will be going to the beach for the day, I hate the beach. I feel angry at myself because I have the potential to do more with my life but I messed it all up, now a year of my life will be wasted. I’m happy for my friends though, they deserve it, I love them and how positive they keep things even if I’m one of the most negative people on the planet. They keep me sane and happy and in return I make them laugh, with my dramatic view on everything, spending the day with them would be quite fun because I haven’t seen them in a long time because I have been boxing myself up from the world lately. I still hate the beach though, but we voted and the beach seemed like a better option. The weather looks good for the beach though; it always does in summer, perks of living in Cape Town, South Africa, great weather most of the year, beautiful seas and views. I love living here but I feel like I need new scenery, because I hate so many members of my family and they live so close to me it’s annoying. My dad’s side of the family especially, I hate them so much, I want to change my last name to cut ties with them, although I know that it wouldn’t cut ties with them at all because they too invasive to ever let any of the few family members they have leave their crappy family. I need a prince charming, but I’m too young for true love though. At 18, how can I tell if the person is for me, for the rest of my life? Not going to happen because at 18, I’m too young to make commitments like that. I have experienced lust, definitely and I thought I was “in love” a few times, but pretty boys look for more than just love, I learnt that the hard way, like every teenage girl. Once your heart is broken it feels like your life is going to fall apart, because he was “the one”. When I think about it now, I realise how silly and immature I was at the time, how could I know who was the person for me at 16? I didn’t even experience life yet, yet it felt like my life was over because of a boy. Wow, in 2 years I’ve grown up quite substantially. Relationships are a part of life and a quite necessary part too, they path the way for you to know when it’s real. I always believed in true love and the idea of settling with someone has always been unsettling to me, how can you settle for someone that only makes you partially happy? I don’t understand it, I never understand how people rationalise things, but I’m sure many people feel the same way about me and my rationalisation methods. Point of the matter is that I’m too young to meet my prince charming now; he will come when I’m ready and mature enough to handle him. True love, is something I strongly believe in, even if most people have forgotten about it. Perhaps I’m more in love with the idea of being in love than actually being in love.
