It’s one in the morning and I’m at some store buying cheap boozes. What would he say about this? Oh, why do I miss him? I gaze at my reflection on the refrigerator glass door. So much swelling has gone down, yet I still look as if I was just in a brawl. The patches of blue and red still grace my face, yet I miss him. Is this battered women syndrome? Eleven days, six hours and forty-three minutes ago, I found her things between his… Eleven days, six hours and forty-three minutes ago, my life changed, he changed and I was left with a scar of betrayal, that hurts more than the wounds on my body, yet, I miss him. I grab two bottles of red and two bottles of white. What would I do without Merlot and Chardonnay? I walk to the cashier, grabbing snacks along the way. I unpack my basket, the cashier looks at me. I see the sympathy on her face. She looks out of the window and stares at John with such disgrace as he stands outside waiting for me. I want to tell her, he didn’t do it, but she would never believe me anyway. She can barely look at me, she just tries to forge a smile, gosh, and she looks as if she wants to cry on my behalf. She packs everything into a brown paper bag. I pay, telling her to keep the change. I grab the bag, wrapping my arms around it. As I walk out of the door, John takes the bag and places it into the escalade. He is such a gentleman, or maybe his just paid to be. He opens the passenger door and I climb in, he shuts the door behind me and climbs into the driver’s seat. I gaze out of the window, looking at the cashier, and she looks confused, well, who wouldn’t be?
I’ve been talking to John a lot lately, it’s odd, I’ve spent more time with him than Damon in the last three years, and yet, I barely know anything. How blinded or intoxicated was I? I lost so much of me, being with him. I lost my courtesy for others and my humble ways of life. I guess he taught me my place. I learnt my place in his life and a few years ago, I would never have seen myself here, because of a man. I wouldn’t change for a single soul, yet, I changed for him. I’ve always been blindfolded and I denied it and look where it got me. I’ve ignored everything around me but him, and now, I barely know who I am. I changed myself for a man. I changed myself for a man. I changed myself for a man. What happened to me? How did I fall so hard for so long? I chose this life, I chose misery and I loved it. I remember my 9th grade science teacher used to have a poster on the wall that said; “With ever choice, there is a consequence.” Every period I would stare at it and think, that is so true and I told myself I would never regret my choices and I don’t regret anything with him, I only wish, I saw him for who he truly is before all this happened. I am a romance author, with a passion of writing dysfunctional and sacrificial storylines and relationships, yet I failed to see my own dysfunction and sacrifice. I’ve achieved everything I ever wanted, but I morphed into someone I never wanted to become. I’ve achieved everything because of him, why did I let him take control?
We pull up to my new home. Asheeka and Corina are probably asleep. The living room light is on, Asheeka must be up, worrying about me again, and I swear she thinks I’m one drink away from killing myself. John gets out. He opens my door and helps me out. He shuts the door and grabs the bottles from the car. I stroll to the door. I hope Asheeka is asleep because I don’t want another lecture. John opens the door, I walk in and there she is, sitting on the staircase. John walks in and shuts the door. He places the bag in the kitchen and goes down to the basement, his new home. Asheeka gets up and walks towards me and I walk into the kitchen.
“You keep disappearing Agnes, every night, for hours without a word and then you come back with bottles of wine that you drink up as if its water.”
“Go to bed Asheeka, I’m not in the mood.”
“Every night, I have to wonder if you coming home or if you are safe.”
“I don’t need you to worry about me! I’m fine! If I wanted someone to hover around me, checking up on my every move, I would go back to Damon. I can’t take it anymore, Corina tiptoes around me, you lecture me and John watches me like a hawk, because his paid to watch over me for him…”
