The Melancholy of Cassandra-Marie

(3)

 "Strauss! Get your skinny ass over here!" Ainsley shouts, dropping her luggage on the floor, approaching me excitedly. Her grin is so wide and enthusiastic that I can't help but allow an idiotic smile to creep across my own face. She hugs me and asks how I've been. I just tell her that things are going well, not mentioning any of my personal worries. I ask her politely how her own life has been — her training, her girlfriend, her life in the center of the city — the usual, I suppose. She just goes on about how harmonious her life has been.

I'll never confess out loud how much want to be like Ainsley. If anyone has their life together — well, other than Louis — it's probably her. She knows exactly what she wants to make of herself, and she has a solid foundation of people who love her. She's talented, too — a ballerina as a child, a high academic rank in her senior class, and now an Olympic gymnast. She's been with her girlfriend for four years, and her parents, who she's remained close with, are still married. There's a lot that I would give for a life like that. A best friend to sleep next to... two folks who believe in you... trustworthy relatives you could talk to about anything. Must be nice. At least I have an amazing best friend, I suppose. Maybe someday I'll have all of that, though — loving parents would be nice, but it's a longshot at this point. I just want someone who gives a damn about me. Not even to spoil or baby me, nothing like that. All I want is to mean something to them — for their eyes to light up when they look at me. Their heart starts beating faster, and their palms-

"Cassandra." my coach nods to me as she enters the room.

"Hi, Kim. Sorry, I spaced out a little."

"No worries. Just don't do it during the games." she smirks, flopping down on the couch.

"Oh, can you believe it?" Ainsley cheers. She picks me up and jokingly twirls me around, outcrying joyfully.

"Alright you two, sit." Coach says.

We obey, ready to listen to her. I started training with Kim a few years back, once the previous floor champion retired. I'm really thankful to have someone like her. She's very kind, disciplined, and talented too, having won a medal ten years ago. It makes for an excellent coach.

"So, first of all, congrats again. You've worked so hard for this... this one of the biggest accomplishments any person could ever make. I'm so proud of you, Cassie, and Ainsley, you too.

"Thank you so much." she says quietly.

"So... there's a lot of training coming up. Sessions are going to be longer, and I'm going to have much higher expectations of you at competitions. Do you understand?"

I nod. My hands shake just a tiny bit. What if I don't live up to what I'm supposed to be? Oh, now if I fuck up, the whole world's going to see me. Oh, good god... I'm excited to be going but what if I can't handle the pressure? What if I see all those eyes, and all those cameras and I just crack? I mean, they televised World Championships last year, but this is the whole world. If I stumble, millions won't see it, billions will.

"Cassandra, get back to Earth. I won't tolerate you spacing out on me. Do you think you can do this?"

"Yeah, I'm ready." That was a lie. I'm worried. I'm a ball of nerves. I don't know what the future will bring or what I can expect. The hope and expectations of whole country begins to manifest itself on the inner tips of my shoulder bones. The only thing I can really do now is hope to pull through all this.