The Melancholy of Cassandra-Marie

(9)

 I shake my shoulders, engaging the audience in my routine. This is it, the final pass. I can't mess this up. We have room for a small error, but it would be infinitely great to not have any. I've done the entire routine perfectly, as expected. This is the only the second time I've performed with my newfound diagnosis, so I've been worried that I wouldn't be able to tumble the same with a new, and very heavy weight upon my shoulders. If I mess up, no one will ever forgive me. But... will I mess up? I haven't before. I am the world champion, what could I do wrong? Pull it together Cassie. You can do this. You can do this.

I back into the corner as far as a can without going out of bounds. My floor music tells me what I have to do. I exhale and open my eyes.

Focus on your ability. I start sprinting. Focus on your ability. I cartwheel, spring forward, and twist in the air. Now focus on your ability... my feet connect with the floor, then I propel myself into the air once more, tucking into an Arabian-style tumble as tight as I can. Focus. Focus on your ability. I land, bouncing into a split before firmly planting both feet in bounds. I do my final move, then put my hands up, thanking the audience. They shout at the top of their lungs. The judges clap. I realize what I just did, and clasp my hand over my mouth in disbelief. The United States just won a gold medal, and it was me who sealed the deal. I did this. I was the world champion, and I still am, but now I'm going to go down in history. I leave the floor, trying to hold my happy tears in. My coach runs up and squeezes me, lifting me into the air and twirling me. She puts me down gently, and I smear my makeup trying to wipe my eye.

She puts her hands on my shoulders, looking me right in the eyes.

"Cassie, you are absolutely amazing. You've worked so hard, and I am so proud of you."

"Thank you, thank you so much." I say. She hugs me tightly one more time before my teammates crowd around me, huddling and squealing excitedly.

"Oh my god Cassie, I can't believe you did it! Well, I mean, I can, but oh my god, you DID IT!"

Two of my teammates rush to the center of the arena to wait for my final score, and the official confirmation that what's done is done. Kylieann walks away to go be with them but remains in earshot.

"Amazing job. Are you okay?" Ainsley asks me.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I respond, nodding calmly.

"What about the little one?" she jokingly puts her arm around me. "You landed so hard on that third pass, I'm surprised it didn't fall out of you."

I laugh and tell her that I'm feeling fine. Kylieann turns around, looking confused.

"Cass... you know I love you, but I'm sorry, did you just say that you're-"

"Yes, I'll explain later. Let's just embrace what's going on right now. This is a happy moment for all of us." I smile, almost apologetically.

She just nods at me with understanding and sympathy. Ainsley takes my hand, and I take Kylieann's. We join the others and wait anxiously, our digits clenched tight around one another's. We look up at the scoreboard, waiting anxiously. A taxing need to be validated crawls on my back and up my neck. My feelings of triumph push it back down for the first time in a while. Then finally, after what seems like ages, my numbers appear, finalizing our medal and our status as champions. We all exchange hugs again, trying to contain our happiness. After all this hard work, after all we've struggled through, and all we've done, we did it, we finally did it.