(His POV)
I was sitting on a couch in the studio listening to movement around me, yet everything looked a blur. I felt awkward, like a stranger in here. I always felt at home in the studio; recording, laughing with the boys, joking off, writing songs, it was the best. Now though, it was feeling horrible; my whole body was numb. I didn’t feel like smiling or joking or pretending I was okay, so I sat there, sat there and started ahead. I don’t think they knew, but I could feel their stares on me, everyone trying to casually whisper to the person next to them about my behavior, but I was just didn’t really care anymore. The one thing I did care about, yea, she was gone, and with her my feelings went too. I looked over to the clock praying time would quicken, so I could get back into my bed soon, and pretend this world doesn’t exist. As I was looking up at the clock, I looked over at Louis, standing in front of it. He had barely said two words to me all day. Maybe he saw it too; how horrible I am. Good for him, getting out while he can, before I fuck him up too. He looked at me for a brief second before quickly going back to texting, which he had been doing all day. I sighed leanly further back into the couch, when I heard my name.
“Harry?” My eyes drifted up to find Louis’s voice to be the one who called me.
“Yea?” I responded.
“I got a text from some of the guys that were going to bring some of the supplies today. You know, like for the stage and other stuff? Yea they’re here, but the boys and I are about to go in to record our part, and we know you don’t want to go today, so could you go meet them up front, and show them where it all goes?” He asked while going into the recording booth, giving me no choice. So I just sighed and pushed myself off the couch.
I pushed the doors open, so I was in front of the building, and the cold wind ripped around me. I looked around the parking lot for a van or something that looked like stage supplies could be in it, when I saw her, Y/n.
My breath caught in my throat as she came closer. God she looked so beautiful. She was wearing sweat pants, her hair in a messy bun, spilling over her face, with a short t-shirt that revealed some of her torso. She had her arms together to keep warm; it looked like she just ran out of the house and into this parking lot. She was about to pass me when I whispered, “Y/n?” She lifted her little head up at me at the sound of her name, as she had been walking while looking at the ground the whole way to the front doors.
“Harry?” She questioned looking so confused, as though she wasn’t at my studio right now. Like I walked into her living room or something.
“What are you doing here Y/n?” I asked softly, trying not to hope that she was here for me.
“What are you doing here Harry?” She asked even more confused; and despite the situation, I chuckled a little before responding.
“Well this is the studio, so you know, recording and stuff.” No matter how long we were apart, or what had happened between us, it was so easy to just fall back into being ourselves, with each other.
“No, no Cassie gave me this address and told me to pick her up from a doctor’s appointment here. I had to hurry beca-“ She stopped midsentence. “Ooh, I get it now, she…she set this whole thing up.” At first I was wondering how Cassie could even do that, and then I remembered who sent me out here.
“Her and Louis.” We said at the same time. We both chuckled, whether we wanted to or not. I looked down at her and she was practically shivering, so I shrugged my coat off, and put it around her frail, little body.
“Here, this might help a little.” I said looking shyly away, before she could refuse it.
“Harry”, she sighed, “I should, I should go.” She said taking her eyes from my face to meet the ground again.
“Yea, yea, if that’s what you want, I understand.” I wasn’t about to make her stay. About to pretend what I did wasn’t horrible. Wasn’t about to think that, that kind of pain could just be forgotten. She took my coat from her body, and gently held it out to me, as she turned to walk away. I watched her walk a few steps, when words came spilling out before I could stop them.
“I love you Y/n! I just, I just wanted you know. If this is-is over I want you know that I love you, I loved you, and I’ll always love you. What I did, it’ll never be okay, I should have never given into those feelings, emotions, or anything like I did to get that drunk, and-and lose myself. I just never want you to think that I didn’t love you, that I don’t still love you. I want you to know, it’s me, not you. You’re perfect. And that girl, she was just a distraction from feelings and things I didn’t want to deal with, like the child I am. You, you Y/n are a woman, a real one. One who was willing to stand by my side, even when I pushed you away, one that was ready to be there for me with all that crazy family stuff, without a second thought; you Y/n are one of a kind. So please don’t let me take that from you. Don’t lie to yourself over my dumb mistakes, okay?” My voice cracked at the end no matter how hard I tried to fight it.
When I first started speaking she stopped, but her back was still to me. Now though, she was turned around, with watery eyes, and staring me in disbelief.
“Harry, I-I want so badly to believe that. I want so badly to forget all this ever happened and just be with you. But I can’t. I’m scared Harry. I’m scared of loving you again. I’m scared of loving anything again. I just, feel-feel so confused. After hearing that speech you made to the paparazzi and what you just said. It confuses me because there is a part of me that wants so badly to run back to you, and another part of me is mad and terrified. Harry, ugh, I just don’t understand why I wasn’t enough.” She breathed all this out into the wind. Her words hit me like knifes. I never wanted to hurt her, all I ever wanted was to take care of her, protect her. Of course though I failed at that, like everything else.
“Hey now, you were more than enough, you are more than enough! It wasn’t you Y/n. Really; seriously it was my own dumb mistake, my own fault. I just wanted to escape the pain of watching my sister killing herself with this dumb guy, for a second. The alcohol just didn’t seem to take effect anymore. I wanted my mind to get that picture of Gemma’s bruised face out of my head. I didn’t handle it correctly, though Y/n. That wasn’t the way to deal with the feelings I was having. I should have turned you, but that terrified me. Giving you my feelings, emotional thoughts, I was terrified at what you would do with them, what you would think. But that was a mistake. I know that now. And Y/n I’m not asking anything from you, I don’t have that right. I’m just telling you that I love you and always will. Don’t let it confuse you. Take your time in figuring this all out; I’ll be here for you, in anyway you need, even if that means leaving you alone.” I sighed with the last sentence, wanting nothing more than to never leave her alone again. I wanted to take her up in my arms right this second, while she was still here, in front of me. I wanted to make the scared look on her face, ease, disappear, till she felt safe again, but I knew that wasn’t something I could do. She was twiddling with her fingers while looking at the ground.
“I appreciate that Harry. I do. Right now though, I think I have to find myself again and figure out what it is I want in life. This whole thing really tore me up and I’m trying to find my pieces again.” She looked back up at me again as she was turning back to find her car. She looked broken, which of course was breaking me, but I was going to respect what she said. She let her be; that’s what she wanted, so that’s what I’d do. “But Harry, I’ll- I’ll see you around, okay?” She called out still walking towards her car.
Hope. She was giving me hope, with that last little statement, and I was going to take what I could get.
“Of course.” I called back. For the first time in weeks I didn’t feel so heavy. Like the world was weighing me down into its core. I know she just said that she wanted to be alone, but she also didn’t close that door. With the few words in her last statement, she left that door open. The door to us; it wasn’t wide open, but it was cracked, and that was something, that was everything. I’d find away to push that door open again, if it was the last thing I’d ever do.
