Why do I do this to myself? Why do I want the things I can't have, the things I don't deserve?
Why do I spend all my time wishing for you when she's all you want? Why do I stay up for hours waiting for a call that, shocker, never comes?
Why do I always do this to myself? I'm better than this, better than you. You don't deserve me. You're an asshole and a pig and a liar. I know what you do and who you are so why do I want you?
Especially when I know I can't have you? Why do I bother, why do I get myself all worked up over you it shouldn't matter, it doesn't matter.
And yet, it does. I may hate you at points and wanna slap that stupid little smile off your face every once in a while but I can't deny that I really, really like you.
I like that you trust and listen to me. I like that you're there for me when I need you, even if you have better things to do. I like how our humor is incredibly similar and that the same things annoy us. I like how even though I've only known you for a short time I feel like I can tell you everything; I want to tell you everything.
And maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm just scared.
I've been in this situation so often before and it drives me crazy. The feeling of being so close to right it just happens to be wrong. The feeling of wanting to hold you in my arms and spend countless hours talking to you about nothing and knowing you want the same, just not with me. It's the trust you have in me and the trust I have in you that terrifies me.
It's a trust that only lovers could match.
But we're not that.
We never will be.
