Beneath the smile

Chapter 3

Saturday morning. Louis woke up and looked at Harry. He was still asleep and mumbled some song lyrics by the 1975. Louis smiled and opened up the curtains, it was a lovely day, the sun was shining and Louis couldn't wait for his mum's birthday party later, although he was really scared, because he wanted to tell her about Harry and him today. His mum always supported him, but it didn't help matters that she still believed that he and his ex-girlfriend Hannah still had feelings for each other.

The day went by really fast and when it was finally 6PM and the boys were ready to leave Louis hesitated, he just sat on his bed and starred at the ground. When Harry realized what was going to he kneeled in front of him and lifted his chin. "Lou? It's gonna be alright. You don't have to tell your mum about us today, if you don't want to..." "I want to, Harry, I really want to, but I just c-can't." Harry smiled and pulled Louis' face closer to kiss him. "You can, if you really want to, you can." Louis tried to smile, but he couldn't. He stood up and walked to the door. "We're going to be late." Harry followed him silently and closed the door.

When the two arrived at the house of the Tomlinson's Jay was standing in front of the house, greeting the other guests. Louis gave her a kiss on her cheek and introduced Harry. "Ah, Harry. Nice to meet you. You and Louis are good friends, aren't you?" "Yes, we are – really good friends. Uhm...Happy birthday." Harry chuckled and Louis glared at him. As soon as they entered the house a bunch of people came towards Louis to welcome him. Harry felt kinda left out, because Louis didn't introduce him to anyone, but then Lottie Tomlinson came around a corner and welcomed him. "Hi, I'm Lottie. You must be Harry." "Yes, uhm...you're Louis' sister?" "One of his sisters, he has a horde of sisters." She laughed. "It was nice to meet you, Harry. See you around!" Lottie left and then Louis finally turned around and talked to Harry again. "Ah, you met my sister." "Yes, she seems lovely." "She is...sometimes."

After dinner all the guests went into the garden to watch the firework. Harry couldn't find Louis though and searched for Lottie or Jay to ask them where he was and he found them. They were all in a little circle together with Louis and some girl. Harry went behind Louis and tapped him on his shoulder, but before Louis could say anything his mum already started talking to him. "Harry, have you met Hannah yet?" "No, I haven't." The girl turned around and smiled. "Hi, I'm Hannah, I'm Louis'..." Louis interrupted her. "Ex-girlfriend." Her smile disappeared. "Right...ex-girlfriend." Jay chuckled. "Well, you can change that. You two were really lovely together, why don't you go and talk a bit over there." Jay pointed at a bench in the middle of the garden. "Mum, I don't really want to..." Before Louis could continue Hannah already took his hand and dragged him with her. "C'mon Lou, I haven't talked to you in ages." Harry stood there and couldn't really believe what just happened. "Uhm...Jay, could you tell Louis that I left, I'm kinda tired." Jay nodded and hugged Harry. "Hope to see you soon again, it was great to meet Louis' best mate." "It was great to meet you too, Jay." Harry got into his car and drove home. He knew that it wasn't Louis fault and that he had been kinda forced into it, but it still hurt. It hurt that Louis didn't even have the courage to tell his mum and his family the truth, it hurt that he would rather sit on a bench with his ex-girlfriend and talk than to spend the night with Harry. When Harry arrived at his flat he laid down on his bed and closed his eyes. He just wanted to sleep, because sleeping was the only thing that could ease the anger.

When Louis and Hannah had talked to a while, Louis told her that he wanted to search Harry and left, but he couldn't find him. "Mum? Where's Harry?" "Oh, he left, darling." "What? When?" "Half an hour ago." "Oh." Although it was just a word, you could tell that Louis was upset and worried. "I have to leave now, mum. Can I borrow your car?" "Sure, love." "Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow." Louis left in a rush and drove quickly to the building where Harry lived in. He knocked on the door and waited for an answer. "Hazza?" Silence. "Haz?!" Silence. "Harry?! I know that you hear me!" "What?" Harry sounded exhausted and tired. "Open the door?" "No, why?" "I'm sorry." The door opened slowly, too slow for Louis. He pushed against the door until it hit the wall. Before Harry could react Louis kissed him and shoved him against the wall. "Louis, stop." Harry pushed him away and sat down at the dining table. "That's not gonna solve the problem." Louis nodded. "I know, but..." "But?" "I'm sorry, Haz." "I know, but I'm done. I'm hurting, Louis. I'm hurting because of you. I never felt like that before, because I never cared before. I was careless and free and when I met you my world started to involve around you and you don't even have the fucking courage to tell your mum about us. You're a coward, Louis. A fucking coward!" Louis was breathless, tears streamed down his face and he didn't know what to say. "I-I'm sorry. I can't help it. You're right, I'm weak and I'm cowardly, but when I'm with you, I almost forget about my fears. I was depressed when I met you and you are the only reason for my happiness. I'm not hurting anymore Harry and you are the reason for that, but I know that I'm ruining everything right now, I always do..." Louis turned around and wanted to leave when Harry grabbed his arm. "Lou?" "Yes?" "I still love you, but maybe we need a little break." "O-okay. S-sure." Louis left Harry's flat and tried to choke back his tears.

A break – hours, days, weeks, maybe even months without Harry. Louis couldn't even imagine that. He didn't want a break and he didn't need one either and after all he didn't understand why Harry wanted a break.

He drove to his own flat and collapsed on his bed. Louis sobbed and tried to distract himself, but it didn't work. Harry was everything that made him happy combined in one person and now that he wasn't there to comfort him anymore, Louis couldn't do anything, but cry. He suddenly felt sick and ran into the bathroom. Louis was used to being sad, but he never got sick because of something like that. He looked into the mirror and starred at himself. Louis looked damaged, weak, hopeless and just done. He filled the bathtub with water and sat down in the tub. He slowly plunged into the water and stayed under water for a some minutes. He didn't care if he couldn't breathe anymore, he just stayed under water and watched the last few air bubbles leaving his mouth. Suddenly Louis came up again and breathed heavily, fighting for air. Louis left the bathtub and got dressed again. He sat down on his bed and waited. He didn't even know why he waited, but he waited patiently. Maybe he hoped that someone would knock on his door, or someone would call him or text him, maybe he hoped that Harry would change his mind, but Harry didn't change his mind. When Louis realized that it was 4AM and that what he hoped for would never happen tears started to stream down his face. He looked into the mirror again and what he saw shocked him. Louis never had looked in the mirror before when he was crying, because he never wanted to see himself like that, but now he wanted to see it and it made him even sadder. The boy in the mirror wasn't happy, wasn't cheerful, wasn't funny, he was just sad and looked pathetic. Louis lay down on his bed and cried himself to sleep, hoping for a better morning.

Harry sat on the ground in his bedroom and write diary.

I'm done and I told him that I'm done, but I never meant to hurt him, he's everything to me and I hurted him today. I cared about him and I still do and that's why I need to be with him again, but I can't or can I? Things are difficult and no matter how much I try to fight the urge to get into my car right now and drive to Louis, I can't. I wanna see him, because I know that he has to deal with depression and I probably only made it worse. I want to help him, but every time I see him hurting I almost die from the inside.

He stood up and walked through the room nervously. Harry looked at his phone and hoped that Louis had texted him, but no. He starred at his phone for a few minutes, but no text message, no call, nothing. Harry laid down on his bed and closed his eyes, hoping for a better morning.