♛ City Of Lost Wishes ♕ Malec ♛

4) ''I'm A Failure''

~M~

In that moment when Alec left the room, there were only four people I hated in this world. I was blinded by anger that they could cause Alec to run away with such sadness in his eyes. Clary, Jace, Simon, and Isabelle had just stood there naively and claimed that it was my doing.

It was all theirs.

I flung myself outside, looking around with a panicked expression. I ran until I found him and find him I did. The alleyway was not far from the restaurant and was completely surrounded by cracked adobe bricks, uncommon to find in even America.

Alec was huddled, his knees to his chest as he let the tears fall freely onto his cheeks. Until then, I hadn't realised just how upset he was. I couldn't help but feel, in that moment alone, that maybe I was to blame.

He couldn't have been so upset just because of his friends, could he? I couldn't decipher his thoughts. Even as a warlock, I had no ability to see into another's mind.

'Alec?' I called out, giving him a pitying smile- a bad choice. He looked up at me and a raspy sob escaped him.

'Alec, it's alright.' I soothed, approaching him carefully. I got close enough to touch him but he flinched away.

'Don't.' He growled, scuttling away. A wave of pain washed over me but I remained quiet for a few seconds to let him calm down.

'You need to tell me what happened to cause this, Alec. I know that you aren't ready to tell them yet but what caused...this.' I motioned to him, leaning in. I wiped the tears from his cheeks and this time he let me.

He shook his head when I pulled away. 'I'm a failure.' He cried, another few tears rolling down his cheeks.

'What?' I asked, thinking I had misheard. I hated the idea that he would call himself such things. I wanted Alec to love himself for all that he was because he was beautiful and I hadn't remembered a time when I had fallen so quickly for a man or a woman- and a shadowhunter no less. 

'I'm weak and a coward, Magnus. I want to tell them about you... but I can't! I'm weak. How am I supposed to fight demons, be a shadowhunter when I can't even tell those around me what my own sexuality is.' Another weak sob escaped Alec's throat as I brought him into my arms for a careful embrace.

'Alec,' I began in the calmest, soothing voice I could muster, 'you are the bravest man I know. Coming out is never easy, impossible sometimes but-' I cut myself off, I couldn't admit it, not yet. I couldn't utter those three words that could drive him away. I couldn't utter those words the meant that this relationship was real.

'You're amazing.' I smiled, bringing him out of my arms and letting my palm cup his cheek. 'You protect others over yourself. I haven't known you for long-' I laughed. 'Well, I've known you for about a day...' I laughed harder watching his lips quirk up. 'But I can see it. You care about others so much that it's fine to keep this thing to yourself just this once and when you're ready, you will say it with pride.' 

I wanted so desperately to utter those words then and there but, as I said, I had known him for a day- maybe just more. We had rushed this so much. We were a burning flame that I never wanted to extinguish. But, this had happened before and I didn't want it to happen again.

I didn't want Alec to be a fling, a one off. I wanted to fall for him, I wanted to love him and I wanted to be with him until the end of his days- and maybe even mine. That was why I couldn't utter those words. I was too selfish in this relationship to say those words, too afraid.