♛ City Of Lost Wishes ♕ Malec ♛

14) ''What The Hell Have You Been Doing?''

~A~

I sat in my room in the Institute, a frown overtly etched on my face. It seemed, recently, I had an apathy to smiling at all. I looked down at my phone once more. No notifications glared at me with its blank white eyes. I had texted Magnus hours ago. No reply. Although, it would have been fine if not for the knowledge that Magnus was one to reply within seconds- at least to me, anyway. Now, after three hours, I was beginning to worry.

Those looks, those frowns, those irritated sighs, they all meant something, didn't they? Probably. I sighed, clenching my fists and throwing my phone to the floor, the delicate screen only protected by the unfortunately-susceptible-to-cracking screen protector. I stood, my legs feeling weak after the hours of sitting, stretching my arms out before pulling on some comfortable workout gear. I had some pent up anger to release.

I trudged down the corridors, ignoring each and every call of my name until I reached the training room and, finding it empty, locking the door. Some peace and quiet would do me good, I needed time to think- desperately. It seemed, though, that thinking would not help. It would only make things worse.

Magnus hates you, rang too many times to count. Followed by the familiar, he has every right to. I clenched my fists and punched the punching bag again but it did nothing. This was all too common, my self-esteem had been grounded over the years and with Magnus being the one to help build it up, not having him had caused the walls to crumble. I was bare and vulnerable again. Not to others...but myself.

I punched again, the thoughts flooding away each time I did so but with each punch came another scrape, another cut. I should have bounded my fingers, there was now blood dripping off my knuckles and if it had only just been caused, the pain hit me. I hissed, clenching at my fist, gritting my teeth. I stumbled over to the door, no longer concentrating on anything but cleaning the already scabbing wounds. I unlocked it, not expecting anyone to be the other side of it. But, irritatingly, Izzy was there, her arms folded and her eyes narrowed.

'Alec!' She gasped as her eyes found his knuckles. 'What the hell have you been doing?!' She screeched, her face a mask of fury and worry blended all into one- Izzy was the only one he knew who could pass it off so well.

'Punching bag.' I murmured, looking to the floor, feeling like a lectured child. She huffed but nonetheless dragged me to the nearest bathroom and started washing the blood off my hands as well as tracing an iratze on my forearm with her stele.

'Why?' She sighed, probably knowing the answer but too in denial to accept it.

'Magnus is ignoring me.' Saying it out loud made me feel all the more stupid, of course, he could have just been busy and that's why he hadn't answered. Maybe I was just jumping to conclusions. Izzy seemed to believe that too. Yet, that odd behaviour that I now saw so often. Wasn't that a sign that something was going wrong. Magnus was feeling something that I wasn't. I couldn't pinpoint what but I knew it was serious. But, I at least thought we would talk about it. Instead, he was simply refusing to talk. But, then again, at this point, I only had theories. Anything could be happening.

~M~

I looked at my phone again, debating answering just as I had been doing for the last three hours. One the one hand, I should've answered- Alec must have been worrying- I was his boyfriend, probably, after all. One the other hand, I didn't want to answer. Alec knew something was wrong. I had been too obvious but I shouldn't have had to hide it. I was mad, yes. He had dismissed our relationship like it was nothing. But, it wasn't only that. That was only proof of my thoughts.

Shadowhunters, especially closeted ones, and warlocks were not meant to be together. It would never work. I had been too caught up in it all to notice. I was immortal, he was mortal. He was closeted, I was so openly gay that I often came off too strong. He fought, I created. He used swords, I used magic.

We were polar opposites in every way. Nothing was going to change that. But, either way, I looked back down at my phone again. I had to answer, didn't I? I couldn't let him worry. But, it had been hours now, if he was going to worry, he would have done it by now.

But, I answered anyway. After four hours of debating it, my finger hit send...of the most dismal message I had ever written. I'm busy. Soon after I sent it, I regretted it. Who sent 'I'm busy' hours after being sent a sweet message asking to meet. I felt like an idiot. Then again, recently, I had been feeling that a lot. Just another reason to end this.

I kept on saying it, almost like an excuse as if I wanted this to end. That was it, wasn't it? The one thing I didn't want to admit. That this happiness Alec had brought me scared me and I wanted to end this. I wasn't ready to fall, not yet. Even after decades of hiding my heart away, I wasn't ready to lower my walls. Alec was too close, this had been going too fast. I was shying away when it was too late to pull back.

It would be messy if I were to end this. But, I had to. I knew I had to, if only for Alec's sake. Alec didn't need me. He was better off without me. He was safe without me. He could hide his true self away and he could live his life confidently, not fearing about having to tell his parents about a rather eccentric boyfriend choice.

I sighed, it was now or never.

word count: 1005

published: 29.05.17