♛ City Of Lost Wishes ♕ Malec ♛

15) ''Goodbye, Magnus''

A/N Here, have a ridiculously long chapter. It's the reason there has been such a long wait and on top of that, I just had my exams but there finished now. I write 1000 words a week so next chapter should be out next week or the week after that!

~A~

 I was lost. My mind swirled, my thoughts no more important than dirt. Nothing enabled me to grasp a single one and hold to it. It was a blur, a mix of emotions, thoughts and wants. The pain still ached, numbed slightly by the stillness as I lay on the bed, watching the sun shine brightly outside the stain glass window- a rich purple and a light pink that decorated one of the attic rooms.

The Institute had, at some point, become painfully claustrophobic, the dust choking me painfully. I almost enjoyed it. Almost. Somewhere, along this bumpy road, I had wanted something to distract me- pain had often worked. I trained long hours, often without gloves and my hands looked worse than a battlefield: a weeks worth of scrapes that had begun to add up.

Magnus had answered, eventually: pitifully. His simplistic answer had made the situation worse than I ever thought I could be. My emotions were still unclear, a blurred photograph that was far from being able to be clear. I wanted to hit him, for lack of better words. A fist to his face would give me more pleasure than it ever could when fighting a real demon. It seemed that half-demons were much more pleasurable to torture- especially when they provoked you.

I kept my thoughts to myself. I was an advocate for downworlders rights and going off on a rampage now would do nothing for me or anyone else but cause trouble. That didn't lessen my anger towards the sparkly warlock. What it did do, though, was magnify my desperation to confront the bastard. He deserved my wrath right now. He should have known by now that this was my first relationship and that simply ignoring me sent me the same signals as it did out of a relationship.

I groaned, hiding my face in the palms of my hands, failing to dismiss the anger-ridden thoughts. I meant none of this, or at least a more sensible version of me hoped so. I loved Magnus. At least, I thought I did. I should have known that I didn't know what love was. What I was sure that I felt for Magnus could have been anything.

It pained me to think that it was simply lust. It couldn't be, right? Yes, it could. I denied it nonetheless. I loved Magnus. I would tell him that. I love you, three simple words and this could all be fixed. But, I love you doesn't fix anything. If it did do one thing, it was to make things worse. An unprecedented I love you could be worse than an 'I hate you'.

If someone tells you they love you and you don't reciprocate the feelings, it will only break a heart...or maybe too. Pain inflicted can be just as painful for the person doing the deed than the victim. Unless you're a masochist, that is.

I stood up, suddenly determined. I would at least confront Magnus. Despite my muddled thoughts, I could do that much. I would talk to him and just see what occurs. Going with the flow was never really my style, though. Just another difference between us.

I pulled on my jacket, unable to look at my drastically depleted reflection on my way out. I felt like I hadn't slept in days. No, scrap that, I really hadn't slept in days. I didn't warn Magnus of my arrival. I didn't want him to know. I didn't want a prepared speech, I wanted honesty. Lately, I hadn't had any. I felt cheated. I wasn't sure why or how but I was cheated. Magnus was tricking me, wrapping me around his finger just to throw me in the trash.

I felt worse than ever. I had never had confidence in myself, even as a child. Everyone around me was or was said to be better. I was the lowest. I was the protector who couldn't protect. A failure kept around out of pity. That's all I was, I assured myself. My own mind didn't bother fighting; it had given up long ago.