Starry Eyed

Inevitably

She hoped that once she had gotten adopted the surge of feelings she had for Brandon would just disappear into thin air; like they were never there in the first place. 'Oh well' she thought when she woke up the next morning and they were still staring her right in the souls of her eyes - hanging over her head like the sun; too big for her own good.
And she laughed, finding it ridiculous that someone who had been through so much  could be so utterly naive and childish. Of course her feelings weren't going to magically disappear, but she hoped the stars, for once, would humor her and allow some sense of clarity over the magnitude of the situation.

She figured it wouldn't matter when she turned 20 anyways, she would find her person and then he or she would sweep her off her feet and her inappropriate feelings for her adoptive brother would go away. That still didn't leave her wishing that they could enjoy the feelings while they lasted, or that that what they were feeling for each other didn't have to be considered 'inappropriate'  - yeah, she would settle for the last one...

At least, that's what happened to Stef and Mike. They fell in love at 16, thought they were going to 'defy the stars' and ended up getting pregnant with Brandon a few months later.

But then Stef met Lena and Mike met Ana and if you spent any time alone with the two you would have never thought that they were ever anything more than friends - all living under this oddly shaped family tree -
And she wished that could be enough. She hoped that it could be enough.

Until she caught Brandon staring at her from across the room, or she found herself thinking about him late at night; memories flooding through her mind taking her back to the way he looked at her under the light of the moon and the way his lips tasted every time she pressed her mouth to his. He made something that could have been so simple oh so complicated.

And he was no better. He had Cortney who made him feel a little bit more alive, but she was almost 20 and would soon leave him too.

It was never going to be enough, not for either of them.

+ + + 

"Who do you want your soul mate to look like?" Mariana whispered from her bed one night, her eyes gleaming with excitement.

Earlier that week she had witnessed it for the first time in her life - two men rushed towards each other like they were running out of air, their eyes lit up - green from one and blue from the other - it looked incredible when they finally made contact. Like two stars crashing into each other; the most beautiful explosion.

And of course it was the 'most romantic' thing Mariana had ever seen.

"I don't think it matters too much, right? You'll love them no matter what." Callie replies, trying to shove the memories that had started to resurface at her almost-asleep state, back down.

"Yeah, but if you could pick anyone - " 

'Brown hair, green eyes, Brandon...my perfect person would be Brandon' - "I don't know Mari, go to sleep." 

"Well mine would have long hair, but not as long as mine. Beautiful eyes, a nice smile.... I guess you're right it doesn't really matter in the end. She continues, now fully sitting in an upright position; her feet swinging over the edge of her bed like a child who couldn't get to sleep on Christmas eve.

Callie, angry now that her sister apparently wasn't going to let her sleep any time soon, excuses herself downstairs for some water. 

She was really just planning on crashing on the couch anyways, she couldn't handle talking about the stars or finding 'your person' because as memorizing as it sounded, it could be just as devastating.

And devastation was attracted to her. How lucky was she.

+ + + 

Her feet stumble down the wooden stairs, careful to avoid the squeaky one two from the bottom, and into the kitchen to grab a glass. She finds herself outside soon after and with bare feet and wet grass she makes her way to the bench out back; the bench she doesn't have any good memories on, not really.

Sure it had been where she first told Brandon she loved him, not even really knowing what romantic love was - it had felt right that they said it though - but it had also been the place that he told her it was too late - they were too late.

And she didn't know if she was sitting there to willingly torture herself...but she sure as hell wasn't sitting out there to make herself feel better.

Her eyes wandered the stars above and she thought about her parents, gone too soon, a horrible flaw in a system that was supposed to keep everyone together forever.

They say when the stars align you with the person you're supposed to be with the bond is so strongly knit that you literally can't even live without them, and she thought all the people who said that were insane until her mother went to sleep and never woke up after the car accident....

...Even though her mother hadn't even been in the car. Instead, she had been at home, safe, reading to her and Jude a little later than usual since dad was out late.

It was completely rare, to share a bond so strong that 'in sickness and in health' was taken so literally, but that was her life; devastation at its finest.

They always got to say goodnight, that night had been the only exception.

Her eyes started to fill with tears remembering the cold look in her mothers eyes when she fell to the floor. "Mommy's asleep?" Jude asked, unable to understand at only six years old.

"Yes Jude, Goodight."  She whispered, trying to protect her brother even if the pain was going to be inevitable.

Her hands reached up to the little golden necklace hanging just under her collar bone, and she thinks of her mother Colleen, and her father Robert, and the transcended love they shared for each other. And as tears fell down her cheeks onto the bare skin of her thighs she found herself begging for her sadness to stop, crying out for her pain to go away.

And just like fate, moments later she felt a body sit next to hers.

He pulled her in their arms, wiped her tears away, and told her everything was going to be okay.

"I heard you, Callie." He spoke, trying not to release tears from his own eyes. "I was sleeping and I heard you."

'Did the stars actually fucking listen?'