1 a.m thoughts (poetry)

||Anxiety||

*More of a rant*
||Something in my mind I've been trying to tell, but I do know now, I don't know if shit even makes sense to me but it surely does to me...
Whenever I have human interaction, be it online or face to face, I feel like I'm getting too clingy, awkward and the person in front of me is probably getting bored. I think, rethink, type, erase, think, every punctuation/spelling/emoji, I see to it that the grammar is proper or at least it sounds proper, think, rethink, type then send then just read it, think, think what will they see, what will they think, if they'll judge or not, if jugde then how? On what basis, how stupid they'll think of me, or what will be in thier mind, what will be my backup reply, every possibility that could go wrong, how bored they'd be, even tho its just a simple "thank you" I'll think that, is it too formal? What about thanks? what about a emoji? which one the blushy one, the laughing, the cheesy one or the :) one?....
It gets worse in real life, I can't really keep up a conversation because as soon as the person utters a word I'll start thinking, examining ever word, expression, tone, surrounding, what should I reply? Maybe this or that? Wait should I even reply? The person may have recited a whole novel and I'd be stuck in the title, I'd act confused, they'd think I wasn't listening or don't care, but I do care okay? I just don't...my mind just don't, you know what I mean, then I'd go for "what? Sorry didn't hear you" then they'll joke about how my ears are damaged or how slow my stimuli is.Someone calls my name, a teacher is worse, my throat acts like someone is strangling me, chocking me out, imaginary sweat will rush, heart will beat faster, even if it's a simple role call, if it's a question, my mind would rush, tell me "you don't know anything, is that even what you studied?" even tho it can be a simple question like "how was your day?" I'd shatter, spit would fill my mouth, then they say "what is wrong with you?". Someone comes to me, now I have to talk, probably in english, I'd think every word and try to say but shatter and something else would come out. I'm in a store, I have to pay, I'd take money out before hand, have every change possible and stand there until someone comes to me and asks "what do you want?". I walk down a street, at 20 feet distance, group of teenagers, standing, chatting, laughing, giggling... I'd feel that they are laughing at me, judging me, comparing me, even if I don't know them, my brain would make me feel like I'm the elephant in the room... I get more nervous, anxious around people my own age... It's not okay, I don't even know how I'll survive away from home, in another country... But I need to go out of India, in order to be free, in order to be happy, but still it's hard, my parents have lost faith in me, I have lost faith in me, I don't know what I'll do, but all I know is I can't even survive more than 3 years here and I don't know how I'll survive abroad, just to be happy, just to feel free...||