What he doesn't know

Insecure

He doesn't know how insecure I can get at times. Most of the time I hide it from him but sometimes he notices. He doesn't know that any moment now I expect him to just get sick of me and leave. It always happens to me. People eventually get sick or tired of me and leave me saying that I'm to much to handle. I trust him and  I love him but there will always be that voice in the back of my head telling; waiting for him to say he doesn't want me around and waiting to say "I told you so".

Just waiting for that feeling of foreboding that waits to say to me that no one would ever really want me.  This feeling; this expectation doesn't ever go away from me. It's always there like a quite little voice in the back of my mind silently telling me that I am living in a dream and that it will soon shatter like glass and my heart will break into pieces with it.

I continuously have to remind myself that I really am wanted around by him. I mean seriously how can I be expected to believe that someone could care for me and want me around them; when my own parents didn't care for me or want me around them? It is hard to remember that there are people who care about me and would matter very much to them if I died.

Sometimes when we argue I fear that it is the end; the he has finally put up with me long enough and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. He doesn't know that I have nightmares when I sleep. Nightmares of my worse fear of abandonment coming true and that no one wants me. The fear of having been loved and wanted and then having those who gave that to you just up and leave without a reason or why. I fear one day I will wake up to the fact that everyone in my life has been a lie and that they want nothing to do with me. That they will just up and leave and leave me alone in my depression and self guilt and loathing until I literally become so depressed I just die from lack of eating, sleeping and a lot of dehydration.

He doesn't know that I have to remind myself to eat daily because I will forget to eat and that's not good. but I will forget to eat on a daily bases and if I don't remind myself by watching those around me eat and make myself eat; then I would not eat for days. I would simply forget to eat altogether. I don't know if it is a conscious thing or not; me forgetting to eat; but it happens all the time. So much so that it is a daily thing for me.

I like being next to him because it reminds me that it's not all a dream that I'm going to wake up from and that everything is real. He doesn't know how much of a mess I really am or how hard it is for me to believe that he could love me. He doesn't how scared I am to not ever be wanted or loved by someone who says they love me. That trusting him the way I do is scary for me because he could break me if he wanted to and he doesn't even know it.

I'm not strong like I put out to be. I'm so easy to break; so very fragile.  I've just learned to fake it so many times that acting tough is the only way I know how to live now.  I only let down my guard around so little people that its crazy I've let him see so much of the real me and that he still says he wants me. I wonder if we did break up would he just miss my body or would he miss me for me? I'll never know because I'll never ask. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about it. 

I love him but I'm scared to become a burden to someone; to him. Maybe that's why I write these things here where I know not many if little to none will read them. But where I can freely write as no one knows me and as I go by a user name; not one person could call me out as being overly emotional and having to many problems. But here I am simply a writer among many other writers who are writing just as I do.