Chapter 32: Everything
On the morning on Delly's arrival, I check the news once more, feed Buttercup a few scraps of meat, prepare myself some breakfast, and throw it away right after. I know I must look like hell. I haven't eaten decent since Katniss and I got back to 12. Greasy Sae's soup last week was the biggest meal I've had.
When I walk past the mirror by my door, I intentionally don't look in it. I don't want to be reminded of the constant state of depression I've been put in.
I walk to the train station to meet Delly. She said she's be here around 10. A few minutes after I sit on the bench outside the station, I see one roll in. I stand up as Delly comes bounding off of the train. She comes up to me and pulls me in a tight hug. I obviously thinner; her arms didn't use to be able to wrap around me. She notices.
"Oh, my, Peeta, you look sick. Are you alright?" she asks, looking at my sunken eyes and sickly appearance.
"Yeah, I've just been feeling a little under-the-weather lately. Probably has something to do with the cold," I answer, putting on a fake smile. She looks at me questioningly.
We begin to walk to the bakery, upon her request. Snow has been falling at a steady rate for a few days, but it hasn't been sticking yet. The ground is mushy but the air is frigid.
"Wow, Peeta. I can't believe it. It's going to be amazing, it really is," she says, looking at the beginning of the bakery.
"Yeah, I hope so," I answer, staring at the actually well-made foundation. It was raining earlier, so I called off any building today. Each man has worked almost twenty hours. Schedules have been interchanging, so not every man is here every day.
"Well, I'm freezing. How about I make some grilled chicken when we get back?" Delly suggests.
"That'd be great," I say, knowing I won't eat much of it.
When we get home, Delly removes her coats and begins cooking. I try to help. She shows me some of the new methods she's learned while living in the Capitol. She tells me about her roommate, and how she's a chef. Gourmet food is addicting.
She makes us each a plate and we eat on the couch.
"I'm going to pour myself a glass of wine, is that okay?" Delly asks me after a few minutes.
"Um, yeah, sure. I didn't know you drank wine," I say, creasing my eyebrows. Delly was always one who took the safe path. She never took dangerous risks. Never smoked, never drank, and never even ran with scissors.
"Oh, yeah! Silvia, my roommate, buys really fancy wine. I guess I just have a taste for it," she Answers. But she sounds more reserved, like she doesn't want to give me the whole answer. I don't press her. She hasn't pressed me.
"So," she begins, after pouring a full glass of wine, "how are you doing, with everything?"
I look down. I know she only means well. I know she still sees me as a close friend, and she wants to make sure I'm okay. But it still hurts to think about it. I'm okay, I guess. I mean, it's hard, knowing I'm not going to see her again. I just... I thought it would really work out for us."
She looks at me with sympathy, and a little bit more, in her eyes. "Peeta, I don't mean to sound condescending but, if you loved her, why did you just let her walk out?" she asks.
It's like a bullet to my head, but I've been asking myself the same question. It's only now that I come up with a believable answer. "Sometimes, if love someone, you have to sacrifice everything for them. Everything being your entire world," I answer. She smiles at me.
"You don't deserve to feel this much pain. You've felt so much. This just isn't fair," Delly says, moving closer to me. Her glass of wine is empty, but it's still in her hand.
"I don't know. Maybe this had to happen, you know? I mean, maybe I was supposed to feel love, just so I'd know it's real," I say. My eyes start to fill with water as Katniss's last words ring in my head. Words denying her love. Delly is listening to me, but she pours herself a second glass of wine and downs it quickly. We don't speak for a minute, but Delly continues drinking. I have finished less than half of my glass, and Delly is working on her third. She must really have a taste for it. We still don't speak. Until...
"It is real, Peeta. You have to know that," Delly says. She moves a few inches closer to me. "Sometimes, the answer to everything is right in front of you." She moves in to me, for what I expect to be a hug. I wonder for a moment if she would be able to crush my empty body. My mindset totally changes when her lips move to mine.
Before I realize what's happening, I'm backing up as she moves closer. I put my hand up to meet her shoulder and hold her back. Her eyes open before he face flushes red.
"Delly?" I ask. I don't want to be rude, but my mind is elsewhere right now. "Um, what are you doing?"
She leans back, puts her head in her hands and mutters, "Oh my god," over and over.
"I'm so sorry, Peeta. I don't know, I guess I'm not the best as handling the alcohol. I'm so sorry. I just lost my mind a little bit. God, what was I thinking?" she tries to say.
"Oh, well thank you," I joke, trying to lighten the mood. I stay prepared just in case she tries to lean in again.
"No, I didn't mean it like who would want to. I just... oh, God. Can we just forget about this?" she says. I can tell she's still embarrassed from being rejected, however.
"Yeah, of course. It's just... Delly, I love her. More than I ever thought possible. And I just don't think that's ever going to change," I try to explain. She nods.
"I completely understand, Peeta," she says.
"I just wish I knew how long I'd have to wait," I say, mostly to myself.
"No, Peeta, you should... you should hold out," Delly tells me. I look at her still flushed face.
"Hold out for what?" I ask hopelessly.
"Everything. Hold out for everything," she says, only care in her eyes. I smile, which probably looks more sad than anything else. "I, uh, I should get to bed. It's late, and I'm exhausted. And I have to be back in the Capitol the day after tomorrow. So I'll probably leave tomorrow," Delly sad.
"Yeah, of course. Thank you for stopping by. I really did need someone to talk to," I answer.
"I'll always be here for you," Delly says. She gives me a brief hug and walks to her room.
Hold out for everything, huh. Isn't that what I've been doing for so much of my life? I thought I had everything. I thought it was right in the palm of my hand. For years, Katniss has been my everything. What else is there to hold out for?
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Okay, so the hold out for everything I got from Ghost Whisper, which I've been watching all day. And I know a lot of you are probably pissed about Delly, BUT IT'S THE LAST TIME SHE'S IN THE STORY! I just wanted to show how much Peeta loves Katniss. And he's not looking for a substitute. OMG GUYS! ONLY TWO MORE CHAPTERS UNTIL MY STORY IS OVER?! I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS SO CLOSE TO THE END! But, lately, I've had an idea on either a continuation of this story, or a brand new one! But I'll have to have a lot of time, so idk when or how I'll start... Well, I'm going to try to finish tonight, bc I want to post so bad! Thank you all for reading. It means the world to me. Love you all!
~ Seanna
