Postmodern Philosophy

Arguments for Hitler

People are always shocked and dismayed to discover that I voluntarily attempt to mow down small, furry mammals with my vehicle. However, some of you may be equally shocked and dismayed to discover that I am losing the animal slaughter contest. I have never actually hit one of the creatures which I try so desperately to disembowel at a high velocity. This is compared to those nature-loving, weak-willed enthusiasts who will actually stop their vehicle to allow the rodent to pass unassailed. I know for a fact that they have hit some of those cuddly little creatures. Which is more than me.

My philosophy is this. If you stop to allow the squirrel to cross the road, it will become complacent around other motorized vehicles, languishing against the very death machine it should be so opposed to. However, if instead, like me, you accelerate towards said squirrel on the road, survival instinct will kick in, and in will remove itself from the vicinity of certain death, thereby extending its potential lifespan to maybe another three months. But hey! It works!

Sometimes I believe this philosophy should be applied to man as well. It takes a real disaster to get humans moving. Sometimes we just need a car to catalyze the survival instinct and push us into the future. Fear, not necessity, is the mother of invention. Fear is what makes the future!

God. That's depressing. I'm kidding, of course. Well, maybe only partly kidding. Take WWII for example. That was a Hummer at 50mph if I ever saw one. But humanity was catalyzed into motion! The squirrel escaped the crushing wheels of war. Granted, we lost our tail. But we got a new one. A better one, thanks to the war. A bionic tail. Titanium alloy, triple-jointed, retractable, and nuclear-powered. It came with rockets and a portable surround-sound system. And what is this new tail in the excellent analogy I've got going here? The United Soviet Socialist Republic.

Of course, as with any transplant, there is bound to be some initial rejections. Sometimes an organ doesn't perfectly fit with the rest of the body's chemistry. This results in generalized symptoms such as nausea, dizziness, fatigue, chills, aching, or in our case, a Cold War. Eventually, the pressures from the body as well as failings within the tail's own construction led to the ultimate destruction of all the tail's functionality. Now, squirrel has a lump of metal stapled to its butt. And yet we choose the metal butt to hold the Olympics (One clap for Sochi 2014)

Now I don't want this to sound like I'm hating on Russia. Mostly because I would prefer to live a healthy lifespan. And we all know what happened to Litvinenko. I will actually admit there are some Russian things which are just so goddamn Russian, you can't help but be jealous of them. Their accents, alcoholic beverages, the Mafia, and just their general aura of 'I'm a badass and can single-handedly whup your ass while drinking shots of vodka'. Not to mention the Red Army Choir's stunning rendition of the Russian National Anthem. Allow me to digress here for a moment. If Congress ever got their act together, I think we could unanimously agree to change the national anthem to "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga. It fits us better.

But back to Russia. By no means do I mean to demean them. I'm fairly certain Putin and I would be best friends if we ever got a chance to meet. After all, he is an INTJ, as am I. Besides, despite his blatant violations of human rights and international law, his brutal style of keeping power, and his oppression of pretty much every minority group to exist, he has done some good for Russia. Right?

I won't answer that question. Anyway, moving on. The same goes for Hitler, Stalin, Caesar. All these dictators. It's society that twists your vision of them. They're just misunderstood. I think.

To be continued...