Memories - PHAN

10

One of the best feelings in the world was looking at Phil to already find him staring at me. It happened often, and he would always look away a bit sheepishly, pretending he didn't do anything. I could see his reflection in the TV sometimes, and the satisfaction I got from seeing him shamelessly check me out was unbelievable.

I looked in the mirror, wondering what he saw. I know what I saw, poop brown eyes and blemishes and a weird red mark that sometimes popped up on my cheek. I got a double chin too easily and had a big nose and so many imperfections that popped out. But what did Phil see?

I had even skin, and it was a nice colour, I had to admit. My lips are full, as well. And maybe he's also a sucker for brown eyes, some people are like that. My hair was healthy and thick, maybe that's another thing he liked?

I found myself picking out my good qualities for what was probably the first time in forever. Phil said I was beautiful, so maybe I was. At least according to his preferences, which was more than enough. It was silly to think that not a single person would find me honestly attractive before him.

I left the mirror smiling, feeling actually happy with myself. People always told me I was too hard on myself, and maybe they were right.

Even though I'd just gotten ready, it was already noon. Phil would've been up for a while already. I ventured towards the lounge. I noticed how my heart beat a bit faster at the thought of going to see Phil, and see his smile and his loving gaze that was always prideful and respectful, no matter how much I really deserved it.

"Good morning." I said, not trying to keep the smile off my face. His face lit up immediately.

"Morning? It's after noon, Dan." He mock scolded, sitting cross-legged on the couch.

"I'm an adult, I can do what I want now." I said, sticking my nose in the air.

"Wow, really living life on the edge, hey?"

"What ever, I don't have lectures anymore or a job anymore. I deserve this." I said, plopping down on the sofa sideways to face him. I scooted a bit closer so my leg brushed against him.

"You'll have to get a job someday!" Phil started, raising his eyebrows at me. My whole body tensed up, and Phil must have noticed the terrified look on my face because he immediately started shaking his head.

"I didn't mean now! I mean, maybe...but not if you really don't want to." He said immediately, waving it away. I thought about it for a moment as he turned his attention back to the quiet TV.

I'd definitely noticed Phil working his ass off editing and planning and filming. I ate all his food and raised his electricity bill and slept in his flat. It was unbelievably selfish to lay around all day, sleeping in and playing video games and watching movies and ordering takeout while Phil sat and edited more and more.

"I probably should get a job, hey? It's not fair." I said shyly.

"Money's not a problem or anything, don't worry about that. We have lots of money in our joint bank account thanks to you. But aren't you a bit bored not doing anything productive? And it's just that you were so passionate about making videos. Do you want to try it again?" He asked.

"I was thinking more like, a job as a receptionist or waiter...."

"C'mon, Dan."

"Or I could do phone sex."

"Dan. You love YouTube! Why don't you just try it?" He asked.

"I do want to, but there are over 3 million people watching me! I can't start from the bottom! Everyone already has high expectations for me. Expectations that I'm pretty sure I can't meet." I explained.

"You're a natural, I promise. You could make a video of you eating cereal and people would be happy." Phil said, exasperated.

"I know for a fact that isn't true. I have gone on Twitter and Tumblr, you know." I pointed out. He looked at me sadly, and I knew he's seen the comments. People have been asking—well more like demanding—for new content, and leaving hateful comments. I gave up trying to ignore the hateful comments and just stopped going online.

"Well most people are supportive. The hateful comments just stand out more. I miss seeing you so passionate about something. I'd help you through it?" He suggested. I pursed my lips, considering it.

"What would I even make a video about?" I asked.

"You have this whole list of ideas." He said reaching into his back pocket and taking out a folded sheet of paper with scribbles all over it. I stared at him for a moment. "I was planning to bring this up so I went to go find it."

I took the paper from him, carefully unfolding it. The scribbles were actually letters and sentences that went every which way but somehow filled the sheet almost fully. I squinted to read some of my messy handwriting. They were all vague sentences and ideas and sometimes just random words that must have meant something when I could remember writing it.

"I don't know if you can translate it either, but it could work as inspiration! You don't have to make a video, but it really did make you happy before. And a bit of productiveness in life is healthy."

"True." I mumbled, spinning the paper to read more hurriedly jotted down ideas. I felt a rush of excitement imagining making a quality video.

"And you're not going to have phone sex with anyone else." He muttered quietly.

"Oh, I'm not?" I teased, smiling as he just shook his head.

"Would that make Phil jealous?" I asked when he didn't reply.

"No of course not!" He denied, and I silently laughed.

I leaned over to rest my head on Phil's shoulders while I read my sheet, absentmindedly nuzzling my face into his skin and liking the feeling of being close to him.

***

I awkwardly sat on my chair as Phil focused the camera. He explained the process but I didn't pay much attention. Instead I skimmed the script I'd quickly written up, feeling nervous and unsure. Did it sound natural enough? Entertaining enough?

I'd decided to tell a "Danecdote," as (I hope) I'd ironically called it. It seemed easy enough to just tell a story to the camera. I picked a story from when I was a teenager, of my attempt at faking sick from school and going to an amusement park with some friends, which of course failed and resulted in getting grounded. I didn't feel quite comfortable to make an insightful video yet.

"Are you ready?" Phil asked, and I nodded. Phil pressed the record button for me.

"Are you sure you can't just sit here and take some of the attention off me?" I asked, biting my lip.

"No, you can do this. Just take your time." He said calmly. I took a deep breath, sat up tall and looked at the camera. I could feel Phil's eyes on me.

"Can you maybe...turn around?" I asked Phil.

"Really? It's just me!"

"Please! I don't want to mess this up." I pleaded, and he turned to face the wall. I opened my mouth to speak again

"Can you maybe plug your ears too?" I asked.

"Do you want me to just leave?"

"No, it's better if you're here."

"But if I can't see or hear—"

"Please!" I said again, and he faced the wall and put his hands over his ears.

I listened to Phil's quiet breaths for a moment, before turning to the camera.

"Hello, Internet!"

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Sorry that it took so long to post this chapter! Finals are coming up soon so I've been pretty busy. Next chapter should be posted soon.