Only You {h.s}

Chapter Twenty One

"Have you guys fucked yet?"

I choke on my smoothie. Allie laughs at me as I cough my lungs out in the middle of the food court.

"No," I say meekly.

"Why not? You've been dating for a month now," she says like it's the most obvious thing ever.

"It hasn't been a month."

"How long then?"

"Three weeks and four days," I mumble.

"That's close enough! Luke and I had sex a week after we started dating."

"Yeah well, I'm still a virgin. You weren't when you met Luke," I remind her.

"That's true," she pauses. Her eyes light up and I immediately dread whatever she's about to say.

"Does he have a big dick?"

"Allie!"

She starts cackling, drawing attention to us. I sit there with a red face, waiting for her to stop.

"He so does," she says smugly. I roll my eyes at her.

"I'm just scared to."

"Don't you trust him?"

"Yes," I say immediately. "But won't it like, hurt?"

"I guess," she shrugs. "You guys have done other things, yeah?"

I blush and nod my head.

"Aw, my innocent little Meredith is growing up," she fake pouts and reaches across the table to pinch my cheeks.  I smack her hands away, scoffing.

Part of me wishes I could be like Allie. I want to be sure of myself. You can tell she has confidence just by the way she carries herself.

She also doesn't have the anxiety I do, which is part of why I'm not ready to have sex with Harry yet. Every time I think about it – and believe me, I've thought about it – my mind immediately goes to the things that could go wrong.

I know Harry would take care of me. I know he would try to make it special for me. But what if I'm not good enough? As much as I hate to think about it, he's been with other women, who were obviously much more experienced than I am.

My innocence is a problem here. I know about sex, but only in the scientific, health class way. I've definitely become more knowledgeable since I've been with Harry about other things, kinkier too. It's just the "going all the way" part that I don't know much about.

I just don't want to give Harry any reason not to be with me. And I feel like being able to please him is pretty important.

"Anyway, how are you and Luke?" I ask, trying to distract myself.

"Great," she beams. "We should go on a double date!"

"No," I shoot her down immediately.

"Why not?"

"Because Harry doesn't need to endure your inquisition. I don't want you freaking him out," I tell her. "Besides, I want to keep as low a profile as possible."

"Why?"

I give her a pointed look.

"You're going to have to tell Louis eventually."

"I know," I sigh. "But once I do, things are going to get complicated."

Allie looks at me sympathetically. Thinking about what will happen once Louis finds out makes me sad. There is no possible way he will be okay with this and just let us happen.