My Secrets. (My Self Harm, EatingDisorders, Bullied,Self hate, and Recovery)

I Hate Myself ( self harm)

Around October, Novemberish (yes I made a new word wut wut) , I started hanging out with another group, because the other girls just gossiped, and I felt liked I never fit in. So anyways, my depression was still worsening, I started wearing jackets. EVERY DAY. At first they didnt really mind, because it was fall, and really chilly. So it was a great excuse for wearing my jacket. But that meant that I could self harm even more.

So now with the dramaaaa..

One of the first people I told I self harmed was this girl. ( not saying names) but ill call her J. So I thought J was my friend. I mean I barely met her, but im really gullible. ( I am try me) And I told her. So as a "friend" she wrote on my arm a butterfly. ( the butterfly project) And told me to stop and stuff.. But of course I didnt. But I regret telling anyone in the first place..

Anyways, stupid ol' me started telling almost everyone in the group about my self harming. And of course that didnt go well.. My best friend now, ( but wasnt at the time) thought I was an attention seeker. while everyone started looking at me differently. like a freak. a monster. and gave pity. And to this day, if someone ever gives pity, ill feel terrible. because I dont want nor do I need pity. But it really affected me.

DECEMBERRRRRR... OH BOYYY.. okay, so me wearing my sweaters. It got bad. really bad. not only was I self harming, but my view on everthing changed.

Everyone around me was so beautiful, everyone was so skinny. Then there was me, a fat lard. ugly, fat, worthless, unwanted. I hated myself. I was suicidal.

I was unhappy, nothing could help me. I tried to show my smile and be fine. I knew that I had to show everyone I was okay. It was horrible. I started having nightmares of gruesome stuff. blood. death. killers. anything that was horrible and disturbing I thought.......

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