Medicine

Chapter Four

"When did this happen?" I ask Chase as I pace back and forth along the hospital lobby. 

Chase has been patiently answering my questions as he sat on one of the metal chairs. Psychiatric ward F: Room 3. My mother has been staying in that room, in a ward designated for mentally ill patients for who knows how long and I had no idea.

"I just found out last week." Chase replies. "I'm sorry, man. I should've told you as soon as I found out." I sit back down on the chair beside him and run both of my hands through my hair in frustration. "It's alright, I should've checked up on her sooner." My pulse races and my hands get clammy again when I see the approaching hospital personnel. They took my ID earlier to verify if I really am the patient's relative.

You can go see her sir, but I suggest that you stay outside of the glass window first, as a precaution. She's had numerous incidents of inflicting injuries to herself and to others.

My stomach drops when I hear this, and I reluctantly follow the staff. "I'll be right back." I tell Chase, and he nods in response "I'll be right here." We get inside an elevator and walk through brightly lit hallways lined with a few metal chairs and steel hand rails for PWDs.

We pass through the Psychiatric Department entrance and I nod a greeting to the security guard stationed there. It makes my heart somewhat lighter when I see how clean & brightly lit the wards here are. 

Nurses and some people, who I'm guessing are relatives of the patients mill around. It's nothing like how Psychiatric wards are portrayed on television. As we enter the female ward, I can feel my hands get cold as I approach even closer to the window of my mom's room. The personnel walks in the door, leaving me outside.

With my heart thundering in my chest, I step close and finally see my mother through the window. She's seated on her bed beside a wide glass window showing the garden outside. Bright afternoon sunlight is streaming in, making her look radiant even with the hospital clothes she's in. She looks healthy and well taken care of. She looks serene, even.

The personnel says something to my mom, and I don't see her respond. After some time, he goes out and tells me to go right in.

Gathering my courage, I take a step to meet my mother. "Mom?" My mother slowly turn towards me. What I see breaks my heart. When I mistook for a serene expression turns out to be a vacant, empty stare. It's unnerving how the woman who raised and loved me on her own could look at me as if she doesn't recognize me. 

As casually as I can manage, I lean my shoulder against the wall and start talking to her. The first words I've spoken to her since she cursed my existence and clawed at me to get away from her on my birthday three years ago.

My chest hurts even more as I see no sign of recognition in her eyes she stares at me. "I just found out that you've been staying here, mom. I would've came sooner if I found out earlier."

Blink.

I take a deep breath and fill her in on what's going on with my life. I tell her about Sophie, university, the places I've been to. All the time she just stares blankly out the window, giving no indication that she's heard or understand what I said. As I'm telling her about the trip I had to the beach house last weekend, she visibly flinches, her hands curling into tight fists.

She slowly turns her head to stare at me, eyes eerily unblinking. Her mouth starts moving, and then I hear her voice: soft at first, and eventually grows loud, as she starts screaming and pushing me away.

"MONSTER!"

I don't know what to do. She reaches out and tries to scratch my face, as I back away towards the door, trying my damn best to hold off her attempts to physically hurt me. "You're a monster! You turn into a monster! Get lost! You're no son of mine. Go away!" Her shrill voice reverberates across the enclosed space as she turns hysterical.

Nurses and medical staff rush in and try to hold her back. I just stand there helplessly as my mother thrashes in their hold, screaming just how much she hates me.

Trying to save face, I take a deep breath and keep my chin up. She pauses and her face contorts even further into one of pure hatred. I didn't know I still had a heart that could break after what I've been through, but seeing that expression on her face basically just pounds my heart until it's nothing but ash in my chest.

"You're exactly like him." She seethes.

"Who, mom?" I ask her, taking a tentative step forward. Maybe she's mistaking me for someone else. Someone who've wronged her in the past.

"You're exactly like him." She whispers as her eyelids eventually start to close. As she falls asleep after whatever sedative they've given her takes effect, I close my eyes and look at the doctor beside her bed.

"She's been saying that she misses you." He says. "But then she eventually says that you turned out to be like him. She never gives me a name. I'm thinking you remind her of someone from her past."

"That's what I've been suspecting, too." I sigh.

"I'll look into it. I haven't gotten much information from your mother aside from what I've told you."

"Thank you." I respond. Now that my mom's asleep, I can feel exhaustion creeping into me. I'm just drained. Tired to the bone. The doctor must see this on my face, and he gives me a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. "I know you didn't do anything to hurt her. She told me that much, but she does keep saying that 'you're a monster, like him."

I shake my head, too tired to analyse whatever it is that made my mom that way. I thank the doctor and look sadly at my sleeping mom. I walk towards her bed and gently press a kiss on her forehead. "I'll be back, mom." I promise.

"I'll make sure you won't hate me anymore."