Wide Awake-a Josh Ramsay Fanfiction

Chapter 5: Hanna?

Hanna's P.O.V.

Josh and I get to the door of my condo. We walk in and he sits down on the couch and calls me over. He takes my hand and pulls me onto his lap, we laugh. We kiss and I wonder if he thinks I am a bad kisser, I bet I am. We don't stop though. His hand slips from my neck down to my hips. I see flashbacks of that night, the night that I can never forget, a man, my boyfriend, he was stronger than me, I struggled, it was too late it was done and he left me worthless.

I start to cry and push Josh off of me. I land on the hardwood floor and curl up into a ball.
"Hanna....?" He says while he touches my shoulder.
I get up and run to the bathroom, shut the door and lock it.

I hear his steps coming near, this had nothing to do with Josh. This wasn't his fault. I felt so bad for him.
"Hanna....?" I hear him say again from outside the door "What's going on?" He sounds concerned.

I hate myself for what happened that night. Why wasn't I strong enough to push him off me and get out of that situation before it happened? It was all my fault. It was all my fault. My thoughts of self harm start rolling back. I need to do something.

The door opens and I see that Josh used one of my bobby pins to turn the lock. I look away. I don't want him to see me like this.

Josh's P.O.V.

I see Hanna curled up on the floor. I walk towards her and sit next to her on the cold bathroom tile.

"I'm sorry Josh..." She says while burying her face in her knees.
"There's no need to apologize. Do you want to talk about it?" I ask.
"Not right now but Josh I'm scared I'm going to hurt myself again." She says and I think of all of the times I felt the same way.
"Can I hug you?" I ask.

Hanna unfolds her arms from around her body and clings onto me. I hold her as tight as I can and tell her that she can get through this, we can get through this. I pick her up and carry her to bed. I tuck her in and head for the couch.

"Josh?" I hear her say from the other side of the room.
"Yes?" I say and turn around to face her.
"Can you sleep in the bed with me? I need to feel safe right now, safe from myself." She says as she continues to sob. I grab tissues and wipe her face of the tears and smeared makeup.

I look at her and I know that it's going to be so hard for her to fall asleep.
"Hanna...do you mind if I sing in a little?"
"Okay" she says and hides her face in the blankets.
I decide to sing Good To You.

"Everyone's around, no words are coming now.
And I can't find my breath, can we just say the rest with no sound.
And I know this isn't enough, I still don't measure up.
And I'm not prepared, sorry is never there when you need it.

And now I do want you to know I hold you up above everyone.
And now I do want you to know I think you'd be good to me
And I'd be so good to you."

I sing it quietly, thinking about how this song completely represents how I feel about her.

Hanna's P.O.V.

I feel so worthless right now. Josh is amazing. He even sang in front of me when he knew I was a total fan.

"Uh...Josh..." I say hesitantly.
"Yeah Hanna" he says while I hear him shift to turn toward me in the bed.
"I know this might be weird but could you wrap your arms around me? I'm not sure I can fall asleep like this." I say.
"Of course." He says while he reaches to turn off the light and wraps his arms around me. Our hands are clasped together and his chin is resting on my head. I snuggle my head into his chest and he kisses me on the top of my head. I drift away to sleep.