Back to Reality: Niall's Cancer Battle sequel

Chapter Twelve: Monster

Chapter Twelve: Monster

September 22, 2013 7:36 P.M.

I think I lost control again today. I was cleaning, helping the lads pick up the mess that I had made...and then the next thing I remember is my forearm pressed against Harry's neck as I held him against the wall.

I...I don't know how to explain any of it it, except to write and hope I don't seem like a psychopath. And only on these blank line pages, where my eyes are the only ones reading, do I feel like I'm not being judged.

But even then, it's difficult to write this down.

I remember bending down and picking up the glass from the broken television. I had caught my reflection in a piece and I jumped in shock, frightened by the stranger reflecting back at me.

I couldn't be seeing myself...could I?

I picked up that piece of glass, quite larger than the rest of the pieces, and I stared at myself. How could this piece of glass reflect someone who wasn't me at all?

Surely, I wasn't this person. His hair was too matted down, too unkempt. His skin too pale and his cheeks too thin. But it was his eyes...the dull, lost look in them.

It was the eyes that made me drop the piece down, shattering into a million other pieces.

When I looked up...the lads were just standing there. Staring at me with shocked mirrored expressions.

And I hated it.

I yelled at them to stop staring at me, to stop judging me for being the way I am. In my mind, they were looking at the disgusting creature I had just witnessed in the reflection. In my mind, they were looking at a part of me that I was ashamed of.

In my mind, they were screaming a string of insults.

And my mind is the one that controls me. Controls who I am. Controls how I feel.

I keep trying to remember what comes next, but I can't. I don't know how much time passed between dropping that piece of glass and shoving Harry against a wall.

But I do know what came afterwards.

As I stared at Harry, my forearm pressed against his neck and he choked, I finally snapped out of whatever trance I had been in. I dropped my arm and gapes at Harry as he bent down suddenly, his hand on his neck as he breathes in harsh, heavy breaths.

I could have killed him.

I felt shame. So much goddamn shame. I hadn't even known I was capable of that kind of thing. I didn't know! I swear I didn't know.

I stepped back, away from the curly haired boy; I shook my head violently, trying to clear it and make sense of the world.

But no matter how hard I tried to figure out what the goddamn fuck was wrong with me, no answer came.

No silent little voice in my head.

Nothing. No answer.

"I'm so sorry," I croaked out. I felt the tears start falling and I stepped back further. God, I hated myself in that moment.

Harry stood up straight and when he put his hand down, exposing his neck, I felt even more shame in myself. His neck was red and beginning to bruise.

Because of me. Because I lost control. Because I am a monster.

You're a monster, Niall. You're a goddamn monster.