The day you left

Unbearable thoughts

"I-I..uh..I can expl-"
"Why did you talk to him and what should he tell me?!"
"Jessie, calm down I-"
"No! Anna, I want answers from you, now!" I said.
My voice cracked.
Holding back the tears I waited for her to reply.
"If you would let me finish then I could tell you..." She said in a quiet voice.

I hear her taking a deep breath and starts talking to me.
"Since he can't tell you I guess I have to do it...I really don't want to though, but you wouldn't be happy with me if I didn't tell you...
Actually, you wouldn't be happy with me either way...

-silence-

She sighed.
"Well...it started all on that night when Jane had her party...
I went there with Chase, because you don't like partying, I went without you drinking
and having some fun, just me and Chase. I guess we both got a bit too drunk and we...uh..I'm so sorry Jessica, but I was so out of it and I-I just couldn't think straight..so we..."

Realising what she just said made my heart ache and my chest tightened.

Those butterflies in my tummy from before are turning into sharp knives, piercing my body,
hurting me and making me want to scream my lungs out from the pain I feel right now...

..but I stay silent..

She continued.
"The next day he was just yelling at me also seeing him regretting it. I was the one who should be feeling bad and not him...
I tried talking to him, but he didn't want to listen to me and so I left.

The reason why Matt left was, because Chase told him everything, doing so me and Matt broke up.
I know I fucked up, but please forgive me for what I have done.

"...I am so sorry."

"...You always say that..."

"What?" She asked, unsure of what I meant.

"You always say that you're sorry, but I don't believe you anymore...

You couldn't say the truth, making me go through complete hell, you slept with the man I loved with all my heart and you have the nerve to just say
'I'm sorry'?"
I said in a shaky and slightly angered voice.

My body feels like collapsing any moment. I feel so weak...

"I don't want to talk to you anymore."

"Jess, please I-"

"No, I don't want to hear it, ok?
I'm going to take the time off to think about this and making a decision on what to do next.

Don't visit me during that time, only if I ask you, got it?"

With a extremely quiet 'yes' I hung up.

I go to the living room, walking past Ethan with a quiet 'sorry, I have to go', without explaining why, I to his front door and went home crying.

I got home and slowly walked up and down in my room.

I remembered something Chase told me a few times.
Something I hated him saying.
I hated it, because it was true.

You always run away from your own problems. Try and solve them for once.

When we were dating and I had a problem with something, I just wouldn't show up to work.
I can't handle a something going wrong, I really can't deal with it..

I sat on the side of my bed..

''You always run away from your problems''

I smiled while teardrops trickle down my cheeks.

"Do I forgive her or not?"

More questions are on my mind, but I just can't take it at this point anymore.

I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes. I don't think that I'm going t have a good sleep tonight.

I am really just waiting for the next day to come and ending this awful day I had.