The day you left

A new start

Jessica's POV

If you know that going further will not change that much, would you still keep on going? Or...would you start from the beginning again? My mind is in absolute chaos and this question is not making anything easier for me.

I'll just do it.
I don't care anymore.
I will start new.
I will get better and do things to make me feel happier. Another thing would probably be that I shouldn't see anyone and date them. I have to get better, I have to see things more positively and be happy for once in my life.

Maybe, I can get the courage to go to a psychiatrist. Seriously, I didn't like the idea to go to some stranger and talk about my problems non stop, but Anna advised me to do it and go to a professional. She said how they know how to deal with my emotions and how I could try to control them a little too.

But before that...

"Hey, you're coming or not?"
Anna shouted from downstairs and I started thinking again about what is going to happen.
My friend wants to go out to some bars or clubs and party a little.

When I asked her why, she mumbled something unclear, but I just left it by that and accepted her offer. After a while we got dressed and drove to one of the clubs in town. Anna involving me in a uncomfortable conversation.

"Why did you run away from Ethan again? He was really pissed of surly, but that is what sometimes happens in a relationship."

"It is not just that...I know I started something with him, but I was already too broken to take anything like what just happened. We met and we started dating, it was going great, but I don't feel like I deserve him anyway.

Why would a guy date such a depressed girl like me? Also, he has gotten a heartbreak the day we met and I noticed how he still looks at their texts from time to time. Do you think he still can't forget her?"

"I don't know. Just try and be happy, is that really so hard to just try at least?"

I'm sorry, what did you just say?
You say it like it is the easiest thing to do. It is not that simple.
I try, okay? It is not like I want to be this confused mess of emotions. I thought we talked about this you know. I will get therapy and everything later.

"Anna...that is not-"

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. When I fished it out of my jeans pocket, I couldn't believe it. I must have looked really shocked because my friend was looking at me worried and very confused on what the reasoning was for me being like this.

"What is wrong? Who texted you?"

"Wait...", I breathed out quietly, still trying to understand what he meant by his text he just sent me. Another thing I noticed just now, why didn't I block him or deleted his number? I was trying to start from the beginning.

Why can't I just leave this hurtful person go. Why do I still feel something for someone like him? I thought I love Ethan. It is stupid that I like Chase, I know, he is an idiot too, yes, but he was always very kind at heart and made me laugh when I just wanted to cry. Why can't I just move on from that idiot?

...

What am I talking about? I should've forgotten both of them.

My mind swiftly focusing back to the message, I read it again.

Hey, Jess.
I am sorry that I am so silly and couldn't see any sooner that I need you in my life.  I thought about what you said and...you still wanna be friends?
We could go to the zoo or park and have fun together just as friends. How about we start again from the beginning?

-Ethan

Are you fuc-

"Eh...why are you crying, Jessie?"

"I-I'm not crying! I just got something in my eye."

I feel like life is being mean to me, really mean. Why are you testing me like this? This is not fair...

She sips on her drink and stares back at me with a puzzled and clueless expression.

I glance at my screen and text him back. I will say yes, but only because he said that he would like for us to be friends. I know what I thought about few seconds ago, but I said that I should not be in a relationship so I guess it is okay to agree with him. It is always great to have friends and why not have more?

Why do I have to be that way...

Yeah, sure! I would love to.
Maybe we could see each other in two days or so and have a picnic?
I will message you what time and were we will meet each other in more details later.
See you soon, Chase.

-Jess

Oh, well. I sent it and he is reading it now. I can feel the stare of my friend piercing through me and it makes me very uncomfortable. I feel a tiny bit shaky, waiting for his text and I move in my chair impatiently.

Sounds great, Jess.
I will be looking forward to seeing you again.
Don't make me wait to long. ;)

-Chase

I lean back in my chair more relaxed and felt satisfied with his responds, smiling at it as well.
The stare of Anna nearly agonizing me at this point, I tell her about what me and my now friend Chase were talking about.

She raised her eyebrows and murmured how much of a bad idea that could turn out to be and finished her drink.

___________________________

I am slowly getting better and I am very sorry about not posting for a while.

Love you guys
♥

-ScarlettWaters