Quick Panics

One Month without Miles

I'd sit in my room with the lights out for days once Miles disappeared. Getting home from school was a drag,  I didn't wanna be there - home. Being at school, I felt as if I didn't  have to face my noise. Miles and everything that came along with him, love.  There was so much  other noise, other kids noises, as distractions. Their problems. Not to say, Miles wasn't off my mind, but I could casually push him towards the back once I stepped onto the campus and the chatters began, definitely when Kim walked into the class, late behind Jordan - her boyfriend.

  Always arguing. Kim, always crying.

  We would start talking about her boy problems. I'd comfort her and tell her she'd be alright, assuring her that no boy would ever define her worth. No man was going to hold her down.

  Absentmindedly giving advice that I didn't even believe.

   All along I was convincing myself that no guy was going to define me because I knew who I was - I thought I had love for myself and my body. In my opinion, I had something to bring me back once I jumped off that cliff , like a bungee rope. I'll bounce back.
No, I didn't free fall, so with or without Miles, I'd be good.  Boy, was I wrong.

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   The costumers seemed a little more aggravating at Krispy Kreme, the fact that I didn't want to be there didn't make it any easier to stand at that window smiling at phony costumers throwing out meaningless "thank yous", after passing them there stale donuts. The ones they believed were fresh even though the HOT sign wasn't RED, so they weren't hot, they weren't fresh.

   "Do you guys sell donut holes?" His voice was raspy when it came through the speakers. Deep and loud.

The day I met Miles Cartwright was the best day. Not just because I met him, I'd Aced a Chemistry test I didn't study for and Kim and Jordan were on good terms - no crying. Mom didn't have to work late so we could watch "Are You The One?" together. It was a good day. And it was like I knew something extraordinary was going to happen - never would I have guessed love, but at least something exciting.

I guess I took too long to answer because before I knew it his car was parked in front of the drive thru window and that was the first time I saw his gorgeous face. It definitely wasn't love at first sight, that's not something I believe it, more than a rush, and much bigger than a crush though. Pulsating feelings shot  through my veins, making its way to my cheeks so I'd blush and finally, reflecting  in my voice. He's blessed guy,  nothing was missing. Nothing broken.

   He chuckled when I came into view, assuming it was because he was looking at this cheeky Asian girl with almost brown skin and this sharp voice, my mom taught me.  Born in South Korea, both my parents are black and my sister is Mexican.
Weird, huh? Well, No.

Then I thought about how stupid that was, as if he could actually know my life's story from looking at me.

To him, I'm just a girl in a green uniform shirt and wrinkled khakis. Nothing special.

  "Sorry," I blurted out, scaring myself in the moment.

   He laughed again, his smile lines showing from his grin that stretched from, ear to ear. "Donut holes?" He reminded me.

"I wouldn't recommend that."

I knew this could get me fired. but I couldn't stop myself, I opened my mouth and the words started rolling out like diarrhea. Oh my gosh, I thought, what if my breathe stinks. I had been to the dentist a week ago for a bleaching, but what if it hadn't worked and my teeth weren't white - no guy, cute guy like him....a teenage boy, wants to date a mixed little Asian with yellow teeth and horrible breathe. And I was losing my job. Perfection is the way. Here in Eastwood, if you want a beautiful boyfriend, and I did. Perfection is the only way.

We talked about the Krispy Kreme ruse that cons lovers of bread with icing on top - the HOT sign and since donut holes didn't have their own sign saying whether or not, they were not then, they're never really fresh.

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Once my shift ended, today, I purposely walked out of the front entrance, so I could pass the seat Miles and I would sit in, to hide from my boss since he ever really came by when I was on the clock. The booth was empty and no light shined over there. It looked sad. I imagined myself looking sad.

I had other friends and people I could easily talk to, but he was the one I wanted to talk to all the time, I wanted him to intertwine fingers with me, hug me like he means it, kiss me. I needed him to show me what it was like to love and to be loved.

He was so much, I didn't realize how much he affected my life until I didn't have him anymore, we had became so close. So close. He knows everything about me, that's why how he showed up at my house, but yet I know nothing about him. Where the hell was he all this time? Obviously, he wasn't kidnapped. He looks fine. So what don't I know.

I don't normally wear my heart on my sleeve, but when this guy came around he told me to trust him with his eyes and I couldn't help but do it.

Him.

  Love was something I wanted so bad to the point that I didn't need it.

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