The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows.

random thought #2

I was thinking about death. cause, y'know, I have nothing better to do with my Saturday afternoon. and so I was listening to this song, and I started thinking about death. murder, in particular. what would happen if I was murdered? how would I get murdered? for some reason, the first scenario that popped into my mind was a hammer to my head. the same kind my father hides in his tool box, the same kind they hang on the wall of my woodshop class at school. hammer to the head while I'm sleeping in bed. would that even really kill me, or just cause some severe brain damage? would it be a fast, peaceful death or will I befriend the state of coma? imagine. blood everywhere. ruining the sheets, splattered on the wall like paint on a canvas. it was actually a peaceful thought until Her. she came to mind. and then it was painful. it was hard to breathe. it was begging to die old. it was CALL THE AMBULANCE. it was PLEASE. it was HELP. it was WHY. it was SPARE ME.

I've been obsessed with the thought of death since I was about 10, but then she walked into my life. with those hyptonizing eyes and her laughter like medicine. I thought about how these things would change when she got the news of my passing. her long lashes would be wet and her smile would hang upside down. I'm not giving myself the vain pride of thinking I'd be able to crush her, but imagining it - imagining what my funeral would do to her, I didn't like it. suddenly the thought of death was no longer a companion, it was a curse. and I felt cold for ever letting it hold me together.

oddly enough, I am not in love with Her. but do I really have to be in love with someone to be grateful of their existence in my life? I do hope what we have does not get cut short by a stupid argument or someone with better hair and funnier jokes anytime soon. I hope she stays for longer than the others did and the universe has good things planned for us ahead.