My Grievous Fault (Destiel)

Ch 20: Cas, a Friend to All

"No Cas! No!" Cried Dean as he cradled his lifeless friend's body in his arms, not willing to let go of the memories that sustained him.

"You can't be dead! I just got you back and you go die on me you useless bastard! You can't be dead. Please don't be dead!"

Dean pounded on Castiel's chest with his fist and the man sputtered before he weakly opened his eyes.

"I'm. Not. Dead. Yet. If you keep hitting me I will be. Before I go, in my left pocket. You need to take it and read it please. Dean..." Cas stopped to take a breath and he coughed once, twice, three times before he continued.

"Dean, I lov-" Castiel's eyes rolled up into his head and he fell limp into Dean's arms. Frantically, Dean laid Cas on the ground to check his pulse. He didn't have one.

"Sam! Help me! Please!" Cried Dean as he began to push on Cas's chest, already ten compressions into CPR. Desperately he breathed air into Cas's lungs before beginning the cycle anew. Five minutes later, Sam grabbed Dean's shoulder and stopped him.

"He's dead Dean," said Sam softly as he held his brother. "I'm sorry Dean but Cas isn't coming back this time. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry."

Dean stared at Sam before he began to cry into his brother's chest, his emotions flowing out in a river of tears and hiccups.

Dean Winchester, who had been strong for so long, Who had been Sam's pillar of strength cried like a little girl. He cried for his family, John, Mary, Bobby and Cas. He cried because he was is utterly helpless and he had nothing left to do but to cry.

So there sat the elder brother, wrapped in his brother's arms and holding the dead body of his best friend and of the man that he had loved and lost.

"Goddamnit Cas, you weren't supposed to die like this. You promised you'd be with me until the end but you couldn't keep that promise in the end. I was going to say it you ungrateful bastard. I was going to tell you that I love you, that I loved you but you went and died."

Dean carried the body of his friend out to the impala where he placed Cas in the passenger seat. He helped Sam into the passenger side of the impala and then he drove off, tears of rage and agony still clouding his eyes and his judgment.

***

He lay Castiel on his bed before he turned to Sam and said, "We should put him in the proper clothes and give him a hunter's funeral. He died saving me and many others on many different occasions, so it's the least we could do for him."

Dean's voice was emotionless and unfeeling but his eyes told another story. His eyes said that he was inconsolable and furious, that he was furious with the world for killing his best friend and the man he had come to love.

"I'm not sure that's what he would have wanted Dean. We can try to find anything in the books to see if there is any way to bring him back. If we find something then he'll come back."

"We will not bring him back Sam. he wouldn't want to be brought back to life and I don't want to go through the pain of searching endlessly and then finding nothing. Giving him this burial will put him at ease. If I find out that you tried to resurrect him, so help me God."

Sam left the room to prepare the funeral pyre as dean put Cas in his final clothes, a suit, a blue tie, and one trench coat. Dean kept Cas's trench coat and instead used another one that they had lying around the bunker.

****

the flames burned bright and hot as Dean stood beside the pyre. Sam had left an hour ago and so only Dean stood there now. He lay against the tree, defeated and depressed. This was it. Cas was finally gone for good and there was nothing that he could do about it. He didn't know what made him angrier, the fact that Cas was gone for good or the fact that no matter how hard he had pushed the angel or berated the angel, that Cas had never once left his side. His anger burned as bright as the flames which now consumed Cas's body. he left to go back to the bunker, rage in his mind and an empty bottle in his hand.

He pushed past Sam without a second glance before he slammed the door of his bedroom. he slid down the door before he took a rather large swig from the bottle of alcohol that he had on the stand beside his bed. Taking Cas's trench coat, he held it to his face and breathed in Cas's scent. He smelled like cinnamon and apples and that scent comforted Dean slightly.

***

Weeks had passed and still Dean stayed in his room, alcohol fuelling his rage and depression. Every day, just like clockwork, Sam would come by to see how Dean was doing. Dean would say he was fine even though he wasn't and Sam would begrudgingly accept it before he left Dean alone.

it had been about two weeks after Cas's death when Dean finally accepted it. He knew that Cas was dead and that he wasn't coming back. It was on that day two weeks later that Dean found what Cas had wanted him to. He was picking up Cas's trench coat when a large folded slip of paper fell onto the floor. gingerly he picked it up and unfolded it. It was definitely Cas's writing.

Dear Dean,

Raising you from perdition was no easy task and because of that profound bond we shared I have hidden my true feelings from you. I'm not sure if you approve or not but I have feelings for you Dean. I was always too afraid to tell you so I wrote this. Maybe it will help illustrate my feelings for you.

Your eyes, luminescent, enticing emeralds capturing the pains of the world in their jewelled gaze.

Your lips, words like sweet caresses tumbling out of them, softly swirling in my ears, sweet nothings being whispered there.

Your smile puts the envious sun to shame. It brightens the room, it brightens my soul, cleansing it of its impurities.

Your laugh, a bright tinkling sound that Angels envy. An angelic sound put forth by the likes of a human, an imperfectly perfect soul.

You are the sun and I the moon, destined to be apart forever. I dying every night so that you may live every day again. The bright sun kills the chilling moon and they as lovers, are doomed to spend eternity apart.

You held me up when I couldn't support myself and you lent me strength when I fell into despair.

I cannot compare you to anything for you outshine it all. No jewel, no poem, nothing could ever describe how much I love you and how much I'll miss you when I'm gone.

From one man to another, Dean Winchester, I love you and I'll never be far from your side.

Love Castiel.

The letter fell to the floor with a swish and Dean placed his head in his hands before he began to cry again.

"It's my fault. It's my grievous fault."