the life behind their eyes

pastor Givings eyes

That trashy young boy has no faith in god I think to myself as I drive home. Maybe he won't see until God shows him a great number. maybe he will be like me, blind to the lord until I need him the most. when I needed his forgiveness it was given and showed in a wonderful way. I walked into my home where I avoided forever I can't bare to come in here it brings back to many memories. I walk over to the pictures aligned so nicely on my wall. her beautiful face, the face that I never get to see ever again and it's because of me. I trace her beautiful face with my finger. rage builds up in my stomach and I just can't take it anymore I begin ripping photos off the wall throwing things breaking things screaming to the top of my lungs. I fall to the ground holding my face when I hear the door open. I look up and my kids stand at the door in complete shock. neither of them spoke but my youngest daughter came and sat in my lap. "daddy are you ok did we get robbed?" "no sweetie we didn't get robbed." she looked at me confusedly and I looked up to my son Caden who stared at me with rage in his eyes along with his big sister. "come on Hailey lets go upstairs." and just like that they all were gone. I can't even look myself in the face anymore.

I dragged myself upstairs and into my son's room where he and his sister spoke to each other. "well you've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here don't you? you turn into a fucking monster and then when you feel bad about it, you leave instead of making shit better?!! you know who to take care of this damn house? your 18-year-old son 19-year-old daughter cause your 33-year-old is out living the life in Hollywood. or did you not know that." I stayed quite because I knew that was a fact I didn't know my daughter was in Hollywood and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't care if I knew. all of my children are pretty much done with me so I was given little or no information about them. "what do you want?" "I wanted to see my kids and I wanted to apologize 10,00th time" "you want to apologize? what you did doesn't deserve a fucking 'I forgive you'. do you think it does? you traumatized this family and the only reason Hailey still likes you is because she wasn't old enough to know what the hell happened" I opened my mouth to speak but I was cut off by my daughter which was surprising I never heard her speak before not after what I put her through."I can't believe you really think coming here and saying I'm sorry would bring you back into this family nobody has open arms for you!" I stood at the door with a shocked face. "yeah I know this is new to you you've never heard me speak only scream." her eyes went from a nice beautiful grey to a stormy grey. "you only heard screams come from this mouth the screams begging you to stop and you kept going you raped me and expect for me to have open arms? get the hell out of this house!!!"

I got into my car and put the house in my rearview mirror tears filled my eyes memories flashing back to me and I couldn't stop them I didn't know what to do and the only other thing on my mind was driving this car into a lake what else do I have to live for? I'm a monster yet I call myself a pastor.