"Just two more pounds". Then after that. "That's not enough. Maybe five more." But it never seems to be enough. I was very underweight. I'm not anymore but i want to be again. I don't know why i do. It all seems like a fun game that just gets more and more addicting and is extremely hard to get out of. But it's not a game. And it's very dangerous. So why am I starting to play it again. When i was underweight, i thought i was just average. I kept on loosing more and more weight. My doctor got very concerned and said i had to start gaining weight. She didn't know I'm anorexic. Nobody in my family does. I'm just very good at lying. I made them believe that i didn't have time to eat lunch at school and that i just haven't been that hungry anymore. Now when i say it like that, it doesn't sound very believable. But trust me, the way I told them, it did. I realized something then though, when my doctor said i had to gain weight. I had realized i would be dead before Christmas. That scared me a little. School had just gotten out for the summer. So i slowly started to gain weight but only because my parents had really forced me too. It was hard as shit mentally. But now, since i just moved from Boston, i don't have all those obstacles stopping me from loosing weight again. But will i know when to stop.
I love how it feels when i don't eat and I loose more and more weight. But I know It's so wrong, yet it feels so right.
"I'm fat"
"Let's try to eat under 1000 calories today"
"I'm only going to eat 600 today"
"I must go for a run or else I'll be fat. On the days I don't run I'll gain weight."
"Just drink a bunch of water and ignore the hunger. The hungry feeling will pass soon."
"If i eat this, I'll get fat."
I constantly look at my at my stomach to see how much fat there is. I liked being able to see ribs. And I probably soon will again.
My thoughts are very much messed up. But how do I stop.
"Try to eat barely anything tomorrow. The less, the better."
