Ok so I've been traveling alot this past month so my exercise schedule is off and it's also off because i was having really bad periods of depression. So i gained like 5 pounds out of all of it. Now I'm not over weight or fat or anything, I'm still in my normal weight range. But also I've been growing more lately so me gaining the five pounds has many factors to it. I don't even like admitting that. I can barely tell myself. Why does this make me want to puke and starve myself. I love exercising and now I'm back on my regular schedule but just as I start my regular schedule again, my eating disorder comes back with a new turn. I don't think some people truly understand how hard it can be to exercise but try to get into better shape and yet control yourself. Just as I'm doing good, i now want to starve myself again. And it's like how it all started in the first place. I'm an athlete and i wanted to get into better shape so i started working out more than i already was and loosing some weight. But my mind tricked me into thinking that the more weight i lost, the better shape i was getting into. And when i wanted to eat more i would then think if you eat more, you are restricting yourself from getting into better shape. And then i realized i just couldn't stop loosing weight. It was all just too much fun. And i didn't think i was doing any harm. I still don't in a way. It's in the back of my head but i can't bring myself to admit it to myself. I can say it here typeing but i can't fully embrace it and believe it. And this isn't just a slip. Like the whole eating disorder, the SAME EXACT FEELINGS from the beginning are back. This worries me a little. Yet it excites me. Why do eating disorders fuck up your mind so badly. God damn..... If anyone who knows me is reading this please help me. I can't ask personally. Idk why i can't. I can barely type this shit right here right now. I think the only reason why I'm able to write this shit here is cuz i remember when my eating disorder first started and then i got very underweight, i remember if i didn't stop, i was gonna badly hurt myself or probably die which even worse. So I'm scared. I can't get myself out of this mind space. It's like i have one foot in my regular mindset but the other in my eating disorder mindset and the one that is in the eating disorder mindset is yanking not even pulling anymore, me into the eating disorder mindset. And my other foot is barely keeping it's ground in my regular mindset. And this all just started today, but it's all so real and it comes back so quick. I don't know how it does and i hate that it does honestly. But the whole not eating much and loosing weight part actually excites me and it's hard to explain. God what the fuck. Why do eating disorders do this shit? Why?
