Random

Something missing

There's always something missing with me, like I can never really be happy. I've started noticing this months ago, when things got better but progressively went downhill at the same time.
My mom moved houses, from the basement of my grandparents house to our own house she rents. I live close to friends now, and have more freedom to be where I want to and go places. I even have my own room, my own privacy. But I miss the basement, miss sharing a room with my sister. I miss the closeness. I miss the constant despair, I miss the skype calls and the love I felt with it, I miss how hollow I was, I miss being ignored, I miss the fear, I miss the anxiety at 4 in the morning, I miss the sneaking, I miss the rare moments of giant arguments and the fear that came with.
But with the move went the closeness, the despair, the skype calls and love, the hollowness, the ignoring, the fear, the anxiety, the sneaking, and those rare moments that have become almost constant. They were gone.
Many would see this to be a good thing. But no, not me.
I loved those things.
They made me whole.
They showed me I was real, and could feel all those emotions, that I wasn't insane.
But things got better and so did I. But o hate it. I feel numb all the time. I don't enjoy anything I used to, and stress has become a constant along with existential crisis.
And through that move I lost two things that got me through life. I've become confused, and unsure, questioning everything but one thing. Why I'm not happy.
And the answer is, I won't let myself be happy.
I don't know how to be when I've only had glimpses of what it's like through those skype calls.
But everything's gone and ruined and I'm lost for once in my life.
I want my pain back.