Soundtrack Of Our Lifes (A Jacksepticeye Fanfiction)

Help me make it through the night

Song is help me make it through the night.

Enjoy

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I look at him, don't know what to say or to feel. Tears welling up my eyes, running down my cheeks. Sean sighs and pulls me into his arm again.

'I'm so sorry, disappointing you like that. You're so nice to me and every time I kick your good meanings into the mud. I am so worthless of having you here. You have your own problems, you have your own life. You have ten million people counting on you and loving you. And here I am, destroying the most perfect human on the planet. Fuck this!' I try to stand up, but Sean holds me close. And all I want is just fleeing this situation. I try to struggle and free myself but he just holds me closer locked in his embrace. I yell at him, rage as much as I can in my drunken mind, but he is not impressed. He just pins me between the sofa and himself, waiting till I'm done.

'Ya ready now?' He asks, slowly loosening his grip on me, he looks me in my teary eyes.

'You're an asshole, Sean. Why don't you go and leave me?' I lean myself back and swipe the sweat out of my face.

'Can't. Ya know, I'm trying to get you back on track. And I really care about ya. I can't stand seeing ya sad. Or destroying yourself.' He smiles slightly, planting a kiss on my forehead.

'I'll try to be better... for you. Now... how'd you find me?' I ask him, pulling his beany over his eyes, giggling.

'Stop that, ya little monster!' He smiles and throws the beanie into the next corner, destroying my play to do that over and over. 'I was here and ya weren't there. Appearently ya told me that this was your favourite bar. So I drove there and saw ya wrecking yourself through the window. So I waited, I knew ya'd do what ya always say ya do. And there ya came, drunk as fuck.' His eyes turn dark again, his jawline going hard.

'I'm sorry.' I say again. 'Where were you this morning? I missed you.'

'Thought I let ya have space to think. That was what ya wanted. I didn't know ya opinion of thinking is making yourself numb and fuck the first idiot crossing ya way!' He had rage in his voice. I know Sean for almost a year now, I know he had a temper. Seeing him like this makes me feel guilty.

'Hey, greenhead... mind if you stay over tonight? I don't want to be alone and I love to have you here.' I poke into his ribs and he smiled.

'Sure thing. But ya have to be good tonight, means no more alcohol and no drugs. No self - harm for being disappointed in yourself.' He hit it perfectly. He knows I was thinking about that again, for the feeling of turning him down. Borderline personality disorder is a bitch. Let me tell you that. But I want to be good for Sean. I want to keep him out of stress.

'As you wish.' I snuggle myself to him and take a deep breath.

'Can I ask ya one thing?' He asks, his eyes locked on the window.

'Sure. You can ask me anything you want.' I sit myself straight and look an him.

'What is it like? I mean, being in this borderline stuff?' He looks like he is choosing his words carefully.

'Oh.. well, that's a hell of a question. Hm... just let me think a moment.' I really do think about it. It's a really heavy question to answer. Sean locks his eyes on mine, waiting patiently.

'It's not that you feel it all the time. I have good times and bad times. Sometimes the good times last years. Sometimes it's just weeks or days. I am often afraid of things, men, crowds, how other react to me... but mostly of myself. I really have a bad temper. And it just needs little things to breakdown. For example... when I was a teenager my favourite fruit yoghurt wasn't in the refrigerator anymore. I cried like someone died. I couldn't help myself and cried a whole day. It was just another omen that the world hated me. Most people would go to the shop and buy another one. But for me it was hell.
When I am sad... it last longer than it does to people with no 'problems'. It's a chemical reaction in my head, my happy hormones doesn't work right. It takes much longer for my body to get back to a normal level than it takes for yours. I can't control it. That's the most stupid thing ever, you know.

So many people tell you to get over a thing. But you basically can't. You try so hard... and fail. And then you start to hate yourself. You want to harm people... but instead of harming them, you'll harm yourself. Burning, Cutting, pulling your hair out. Some even swallow razors. There are so many things you can do. And none of them makes it better. Sometimes the inner pain is so much that you have to lead it out. You hurt yourself to feel alive.

Then there are those people who hate on you for that you have this mental illness. Most people only see the cuts on your arm and think you seek for attention. But mostly we hide these things.

Next part is.... not knowing who you are. I've searched myself for years. And I'm far from done. Am I romantic or not? Do I want to sew or write a book? Am I sportive or not? Black hair, brown hair, purple? Do I like Latin guys or this nice pale skin that you have? I could go on like that. I don't know what I want, I don't know who I am.'

I rub my head, it hurts. Much. Sean just stares at me, struggling for words. I start to bite my fingernails, looking at him.

'Uhm... I... really hope you're not liking the Latin guys....' he looks at me, speaking the most random shit that I talked about. And it makes me laugh like hell. I totally snap and couldn't stop for minutes. I roll over the sofa under Seans perplexed stare. Eventually I'm done. I am totally sweaty, my face is wet from all the laughing tears. I pull myself together and look into Seans eyes.

'That was.... so gorgeous. Brilliant. Totally perfect! I tell you what a fucked up mental shit I am... and you wonder about me liking Latin guys. Where is your so over the top self esteem, Mr. Septiceye?' I see him blinking at me, naming him like that. He gives me a short smile.

'Maybe ya should sleep now.' He suggests.

'I see what you're trying to do. Tell me why that is your problem, Sean!' I grab his shoulders, shaking him a little bit.

'Because I couldn't stand seeing ya with another man, for Christ's sake!' He throws into my face, leaving me speechless again. And without another warning he grabs my neck, pulling me to him to crash his lips to mine. This time it is not a little kiss like yesterday. This time it is an angry kiss, a desperate one, which I reply. I can't not kiss him back, I have to. But then, my body stiffens again, the fear comes back and I pull myself out of the situation. I try to stand up, but Sean holds me close, not letting go.

'What ya think you're doing? Fleeing again? Why would ya do that. Ya were totally happy about getting laid from that random bar dude. And ya can't even kiss me without running away? Why? Tell me!' Seems like I am not the only one who has problems with the temper. He is really angry, glaring at me. 'Answer me now!'

'Because I have problems with my emotions, not with a quick fuck where I don't feel anything. I feel too much for you, dumbass.' And with that I keep him off guard, he looses his grip, letting me go. But I stay sit and look at him. 'I like you, Sean. A lot. But I don't know if I can handle that.'

Suddenly he smiles widely. He kisses me on my nose. 'I promise you won't regret this.'

'Regret what? What now?' I rub my nose looking at him curious.

'Being my girl. I'll show you how good everything can be. I'll learn you positivity. That's awesome!' He looks totally enthusiastic. Like a child on christmas.

'When exactly did I say that?' I am sure I did not. He looks me dead in the eye and whispers:
'So, tell me you don't want to be my girl then...' His low voice makes me shiver, I have goosebumps instanly. And no word comes out of my mouth. He nods in approval.
'See, so you're official now. Can't wait to tell my subs.'

We spend the rest of the night talking. Neither of us cares that we both have to work in a few hours. He tells me about his youtube career and how great it is. That it is his dream to change the world a bit with it.

Eventually I have to go to work. Sean says he will pick me up after I'm done, this time going to his place.