The new girl

End

It was as if I was deaf too. I couldn't hear anything during the ceremony. It was as if I was alone inside the church, sitting on one of the chairs as I saw nothing. The lump in my stomach grew together with the aching hole in my chest that was eating on my soul. I clenched my hands, fisting them hardly around the fabric of my dress. I closed my eyes, imagining Jihoon standing in front of me, pulling out his hand towards mine.

A tear left my eye, traveling down my face and landed on the top of my hand. That's when everything came back. All the voices in the church, the priest's voice as he talked about how great Jihoon was. And everyone who tried to hold their crying, but failed.

"Jihoon was a friend, to all of us." The priest's voice could be heard throughout the church.
"A friend who wouldn't let anyone be in trouble." Jihoon's face played over and over in my head.
"He was someone who wanted to help new people who walked into his life." The priest continued with his comments about Jihoon. The only thing I had in mind was his face. The way he used to smile, the way his lips moved as he talked, the way his vocal cords pushed out a beautiful sound as he laughed. Everything, everything about him was too beautiful to die.

A hand took me further away from reality as it was placed on mine. It was warm, but yet cold. When it squeezed around mine I only could cry more. The same. The same as I remembered, his hand. Jihoon's hand. The way it fitted perfectly around mine, how the warmth beamed out from his as he was close. But this time I knew it wasn't real. I knew he wouldn't ever come back again; this was his way of saying 'goodbye'.

"And now, friends and family of Jihoon will be able to have a small speech." Vernon's hand took over the place where Jihoon's had been just a second before.
"I'll help you..." His voice was cracking, revealing that he had been crying too, even if he wanted to hide it.
He walked with me, guiding me to where I was supposed to stand during my speech. I let go of his hand as we were standing still and I held my hand with the other. I bit my lip as I bent down my head.

"Jihoon was more than a friend to me. He was my brother, but also my rival." Vernon started.
"Woozi...Jihoon wasn't someone I could ever have wanted to be a rival with. If there was something he wanted, he got it. Whatever it was, basketball, dancing, fame or Kaisa." I couldn't stop the tears that were slipping down my face.

"Even though we were rivals, we were good friends. He would always make good friends, help people who needed the help, and love those who needed love." I could feel how he looked at me. And as if Jihoon was standing next to me I started to talk, voice cracking a little as I lifted my head up.

"The first day I started in this school, I didn't have anyone next to me. I knew I got off on a wrong foot with my new roommate, Jihoon..." I bit my lip as I snuffled.
"But I wanted to be close to him, since he was my roommate after all. I didn't know I would start to like him the way I did. And I never knew he would like me back..." I lifted my face higher, trying to hold back the tears that was already falling. My body shook, as if I was an earthquake.

"I had never felt love before I met Jihoon, and I probably never will anymore. He showed me the meaning of love and for that I'm beyond grateful for. He saved my life, not just once, but twice." Remembering the night before I went into a coma made me get a headache.

"He never left my side when I was in a coma. He didn't leave me to die in the hands of others. He is my hero, my first love and best friend." I clenched my hands too tight around the other, making it go numb.
"I just wish that the time we had together would be longer, that he didn't have to die." I brushed away some stands of hair behind my ear.

"I wish that he would have a long happy life ahead of him. Seeing him smile together with his friends as he played basketball, or sigh because he was to bored in school..." I felt how my legs went numb, feeling how my body gave in on me.
"It hasn't gone a second since I woke up from the coma... Wishing that I was the one who had gone to lose, that he wouldn't have been...-" I couldn't finish my words as my legs bent and my body followed it to the floor.

The first person who was by my side wasn't anyone who the others could see. He was smiling towards me as his lips moved. Nothing came out from his vocal cords, nothing I could hear. I felt how Vernon lifted me up, carrying me out from the ceremony. I couldn't disagree, I couldn't tell him I wanted to stay or that I was fine, because it wasn't true. I wrapped my arms around his neck, buried my face onto his chest and cried harder than ever.

 My life was like over; I couldn't do anything but to grief. I missed him so. 

My love, my friend, my roommate.

 Gone, forever now.