Hosanna

1 | Dear Lord

First of all, thank You for every wonderful blessing you've put in my life. I know I struggle so much with not doubting You, telling my family how I feel about You, and just all around following You. Sometimes I wish that I could do this better. . .

But then I remember that I didn't come this far in one day; it's taken me two years or longer to really learn how to follow you, Lord. Yet I still don't truly know how to follow You! I try my best with what I know - what You have taught me, and I still question all those things too! As though You never provided me with those opportunities and chances in the first place!

Let me start from the beginning of my thoughts:

For one thing, why am I so different from my family? They say they have never really felt a need for religion, so why am I so set on it? I suppose they do not feel a need for You, but why do I think differently?! I guess this is sort of a dumb question to ask, since I believe in You and feel I need You, but it's breaking my mind apart sometimes. All I can end up concluding is that I must be delusional, or something might be wrong with me! What if there is something wrong with my thinking? What if this is all in my head? I used to not care so much about this particular aspect because I thought You were totally possible and that was as far as I could go - possibility, but now that I've devoted my life to You, I'm having second thoughts. God, I don't know that I want to have second thoughts! I can't decide! Is it good for me to question Your existence and the things You've brought to my attention?! Or at least - I believe You have done these things?

On a side note: I think that I can feel You with me every single day, and sometimes I just don't recognize Your presence. I do think that I can even feel You within me - a living, breathing Spirit. I've felt it for awhile, and just the other day I found it again, and it prompted me to pray.

But what if that's not You? What if it's just me thinking it's You? What if You really don't care about me or my life? What if You aren't even real?! Why have I - ever since I chose to walk with You - fallen into the habit of daily prayer? It was two years ago that I decided to begin this habit, and I've been off and on with it since. Yet I still find it necessary to speak to You everyday at least once (this is, I believe, the third or fourth time since I've been awake, and it is also the first time I've brought many of these issues to You. [Note: Most of the time, I do a sort of habitual prayer [saying grace, sometimes I'll say the Lord's Prayer, sometimes I just simply thank God for something or someone, praying for people, etc. . .] and not always this personal kind]).

I know I should never be afraid to speak to You about these things, as You have taught me to bring everything to You. You have shown me its effects, and they have always been a strengthening of my own faith (and possibly others' around me; Lord, this is what I wish to accomplish from this letter, if it is Your will).

Since the beginning of this year, I have wanted to write a book for you, a story of some sort, something that brings You glory as my brothers and sisters would say, Father. All the while touching the heart of someone out there. I don't know if this book will be it quite yet, but thank You in advance if this is so. Please use this to help someone out there if at all possible. It is very thing I have seen when sharing some of my stories about how I came to You with other people. It's funny too, I am truly embarrassed by my testimony. I find it to be the most ridiculous thing - something to laugh at, yet You have still used it to touch others' hearts. How is this possible? How have You managed to do this? I could never find any good way of going about it! It all was either too much information, not enough information, or some senseless gibberish that didn't really make sense in my head. Is it possible that You have worked Your way into my writing? A very peculiar scene, but if my earlier statements are true, that You are within me, Spirit, then I suppose this could be as well.

I've never really understood why we believed that the Holy Spirit lives within us. Yet I have felt it myself and cannot comprehend its. . .spiritual simplicity and obviousness. I can feel You with me at all times. I have sensed Your guidance through the Spirit, and You have prompted me to do many things in faith. I'm not sure how this is all possible, but when it happens, it's as clear as day to me that it is You!

Now let me go back to my family. Do they not feel You? Can they not sense Your presence? (I suppose these first two may be true since they are not believers.) Do You invite them in, but they refuse to listen? I'd rather not think of my family as "scornful," but possibly "spiritually ignorant" or maybe even - I hate to say this word, Lord, because I don't want it to be true - "blind" to You. My own mother has said that she "sometimes sees [You], but then again not really." Many of them have heard the Gospel before, but call it rubbish. Yet, while I see the points they make about it "probably being a lie, being unrealistic, unfair, etc." I still find that I believe these things anyway in the very slightest. . .probably with "a mustard seed of faith" as Your Son once said.

And there I go again, trading reason for faith. Being unsure of whether I should do such a thing. This is mentally torturous; I am constantly in tension with this. And the reason is simply because I know You have brought me out of various issues before, but I don't know that I should sacrifice logic for faith. It's the battle between how I was raised and how You are raising me! God, please help me get through this, I know You always do, but I'm worried that this time it will knock me out for sure.

I started to cry the other day because I realized that I must be crazy delusional for believing that there's some Being that created an entire universe and yet still finds a reason to guide an insignificant and disobedient little creature of Theirs like myself. Maybe You don't want me to view myself as this way through Your own eyes, but this is actually what I feel You see me as: an insignificant and disobedient creation that You are choosing to call out to - for whatever reason.

I feel so insignificant, I'm a victim of Your plans for me, and the world, and the universe. I can do almost nothing about how Your plans work out, except maybe whether I obey You or disobey You, do what You want me to do -- or don't.

Is this what You want, Father? My family to be a group of people "blind" to You (or almost blind)? I wish I could understand why You want this to happen (why You allow it, rather), but, obviously, I do not understand You. I've heard many times that dying is the price we pay for our sin - unless we go to Jesus, who paid it for us.

The trouble that always pulls on my heartstrings because of this statement worries me so much - regarding my own salvation and the peoples' I love most. I do not know how to respond to this at all, and I wish I did.

I wish I could say this seemed "fair" in the slightest. I have asked You many times to explain how this is a proper solution, and though I may be starting to see Your answers as time goes on, I, at present, still am stumped by this issue.

There's so much doubt written here - I wish I didn't doubt You. . .

Jesus, I still love You, but sometimes I just wish I could begin to understand. Sometimes, I wish I was able to go up to those who needed You and convince them that this is why You have made it this way.

It would be rather helpful with my own doubt, I assume.

Thank You for listening to me. I pray I will start to see Your hand in some way.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

P.S. Please give me the strength to share this with many people, they are about to find out some pretty personal things about my life. Thank You for giving me this opportunity.